Happiest Girl

First 24 hours

We just made it through the first twenty-four hours since the brain surgery. During this time post-op patients are at their greatest threat for regression and complications. We are still in the ICU but got word from our nurse that we may be moving out within the day, we will see. Jess is still dealing with a tremendous amount of trauma, but is doing quite well in my opinion. This opinion is also backed by Bob, Bonnie and Kaal. We all feel that Jess is doing far and away better then she was at this time after the first surgery. Besides being groggy, and wearing a large hat made of gauze, you would not guess she is so shortly removed from brain surgery. We are happy about her condition and continually amazed by her spirit. I have read her a few of the text messages and blog responses when she is feeling down and they lift her up immensely. Jess is deeply touched by all the love and support everyone has been sending her way. We can't thank you enough.

In the ICU

I'm finally with Jess in the ICU. Besides trying to get the scheduling/dose/type of pain medication down, things are going smoothly. In between spoonfuls of ice chips Jess wanted me to tell everyone "hello from the ICU". We are going to be able to meet with Dr. Liau tomorrow for more details and evaluations. I will post another blog then.

Post-Op Jess

I was just able to see Jess for the first time. It was real quick as I was only needed to sign a consent form for a post operation MRI. The MRI is standard, and it seemed like everything else had gone well up to this point. She should be in the ICU by 6:30ish now, which is much later then first thought. It really doesn't matter as long as Jess is ok. She was doing relatively good, considering the circumstances, and was able to smile while briefly communicating with the nurses and I. There is no telling where she will be when the meds wear off or the swelling ensues, but at this moment she seems to be doing pretty good.

Thank you for all of your support. Jess will be very grateful to have received so many positive messages.

Post-Op Jess

I was just able to see Jess for the first time. It was real quick as I was only needed to sign a consent form for a post operation MRI. The MRI is standard, and it seemed like everything else had gone well up to this point. She should be in the ICU by 6:30ish now, which is much later then first thought. It really doesn't matter as long as Jess is ok. She was doing relatively good, considering the circumstances, and was able to smile while briefly communicating with the nurses and I. There is no telling where she will be when the meds wear off or the swelling ensues, but at this moment she seems to be doing pretty good.

Thank you for all of your support. Jess will be very grateful to have received so many positive messages.

Jess update II

Just spoke with Dr. Liau and Jess is finished with her resection and is currently being closed up. Everything went well and she is going into the recovery room for roughly an hour then transferred to the ICU. Once she is moved to the ICU we will be able to see her.

Update on Jess

Jess wanted me to thank everyone for all the love and support she has received throughout her entire ordeal and especially during the past few days.

Right now Jess is roughly one hour into her surgery. As always, she enjoyed her nurses, anesthesiologists and doctors immensely. As always, they enjoyed her just as much. The entire process from sedation to admission to ICU is suppose to take roughly 7 hours. That means we will be seeing Jess again at roughly 2:30 or 3:00. I will update the blog again soon thereafter.

Thank you,
Dan

Final Note Before Surgery

I check into UCLA's Ronald Regan hospital at 4:45 am. I am the first brain surgery of the day for Dr Linda Liau. I keep calling it my brain tumor nap :) I'm so grateful that I get to sleep through it. I am nervous, still apprehensive about things, which I believe is completely normal. They are going to shave off a running strip across my head from front to back. It should be about three inches wide (imagine a reverse Mohawk). I have really enjoyed my hair, and I am too attached to shave it this time. Instead, since Dr Liau said that I wouldn't have to shave it all, I decided I will try to work around it. My girl friend Meghan cut her hair today (it's her 30th birthday) and is gifting it to me so that a gentleman in Bellevue can create a wig for me (he can do a full wig or a partial). Seriously, you heard me right, Meghan cut her hair, 10 inches to create a wig for me on HER birthday. Wow. That's Meghan for you, always doing things for other people. THANK YOU MEGHAN!!!!!! More details about that amazing situation to come. Also, my childhood buddy Marina came over for breakfast this morning and she started cluing me in on all the amazing things that fake hair can do. Originally, I was just going to use the hair on the sides and back of my head and put it into a ponytail and wear baseball caps for the next several months. Now, it looks like I will have lots of options :) That makes me really happy!

Anyway, I'm absolutely exhausted. Dan arrived last night, and my brother arrived this afternoon. While my parents were driving to get Kaal, Dan and I went to the beach and swam. There has been an incredible heatwave. The temps are in the 90's - scorching. While we were at the beach we were able to watch the dolphins play in the waves. They were having so much fun! They're so playful and sweet, it was amazing. We watched for about a half hour, then decided to join them. I was hoping to inch my way closer and closer but I think I scared them away. They did a final swim through the wave, you could see them as the wave grew and they were gliding with it, when the wave broke they jumped into the air to avoid the froth. It was mesmerizing.

For this surgery they made me remove my toenail polish. Weird.

I'm rambling because I'm so tired. I haven't packed quite yet (we will be moving locations while I'm in the hospital) and I need to wash and blow dry my hair. My plan is to straighten my hair and then pin it back on either side of the current scar exposing it as clearly as possible. Hopefully, once they see how wide my current scar is, they will decide that they don't need to shave much :) You never know.

As for tomorrow, Dan said he will keep the blog updated. I truly hope that everything goes well. Most of all I hope that I don't die. I don't know what is in store for me, what my purpose is on this Earth, but I'm truly excited to find out. I'm hoping that this isn't the end of my story. I hope that I can continue to learn, evolve, fight to get healthy, hug friends, jog in the misty Seattle air, cuddle my kitty, and maybe, hopefully, someday, share my love with Dan by having children. There are so many things that I'm hopeful for. I am very aware that my life is a gift, that each moment is all that I have until the next. All I can do is hope for more, more time, more opportunity to love, more time to laugh and hug and smile and breathe and appreciate the things in this world.

Thank you for the love, for the support, and for the prayers. It would be impossible for me to be faring this well without all of you - Dan, my family, my friends, the blog readers, the friends of friends, the people who stumbled upon the blog. Thank you. I have so much gratitude and love to all of you. I hope to be writing again soon, but until then, even though I don't even know who all of you are, thank you.

All of my love,
Jess

Best Case Scenario :)

Well my friends, you have done some serious praying!!! We have fantastic news!! Thank you for working so hard to pray on my behalf, for all of the love, and positive energy sent our way. I'm going to give you the run down from our appointment with Dr Liau and her assistant Emma who runs the clinical trial.

1. The second possible tumor is in the pineal area. They do not believe that it is tumor, although they will continue to track it and have me do Dopa PET scans at a regular 6 month intervals to monitor the situation. They have seen a similar situation in several other tumor patients and they wonder if it's due to excess stress, or irregular sleep patters. The pineal gland regulates circadian rhythms. Does not look like a second brain tumor!!!

2. After reviewing the fMRI with Liau, it is clear that my speech area is not near the tumor. The tumor, instead has grown into my motor skills, and sensory area. Fortunately, you do not need to be awake for the testing of the motor skill or sensory area. During a regular brain surgery, they can poke certain nerves, or stimulate different brain tissue to check and see if they're dealing with brain tissue or tumor tissue. They can do all the testing they need while I'm fast asleep. No need for a partially awake surgery - just a regular one!!!

3. The regular MRI shows that my tumor is still not taking up the gadolinium dye (which would signify that Herman had progressed to a stage III or IIII), which would mean that I'm still at stage II. This is just a preliminary prognosis, they will know for sure when they get the pathology back after the brain surgery. Sometimes a stage III isn't taking up the dye, even though it has progressed - so no guarantee, but it's a good sign. Looking good for a stable stage II infiltrating astrocytoma!!!

4. I will be the first brain surgery of the day, this Thursday the 18th of October. The procedure should take about 4.5 hours. If all goes well, I should be released from Ronald Regan Hospital sometime Sunday.

5. After I'm released from the hospital I will come back for a suture (staples) removal. Then an appointment to get the pathology of the tumor. Unless there is some unforeseen event, I should be flying home on November 2nd in the evening.

6. Dr Liau believes that this surgery will improve my quality of life. She believes that removing the tumor will allow my body to continue to gain back the language skills that were damaged after the first surgery. They reviewed the results from the cognitive testing from last Friday and they do see deficits, but they believe that with time after this surgery I will continue to improve.

7. If there are complications from this surgery they are anticipating that they would include the inability to feel things on the right side of my body, or difficulty with moving the right side of my body. If that is the case, Dr Liau believes that with dedicated physical therapy I will be able to completely regain any lack of sensation or mobility. She feels confident and (in my opinion) excited for the tumor resection, believing fully that this is going to be a huge improvement in my life and in my future. She is the most humble doctor I've ever met, with a healthy amount excitement and immense curiosity. I wish you all could have been in the appointment. I have complete confidence in her. In fact, I wish we could hang out, I'd love to be friends and hear all about her research and views on life. The woman is interesting in so many ways.

8. If all goes well, I will fly back down 3-4 weeks after the surgery for them to harvest my white blood cells. I will then fly home and come back down to UCLA one week later for my first shot. There is a chance that there will not be enough tumor tissue to give me a personalized vaccine. There are a few other factors where they have to analyze the tumor proteins to make sure that it will work for the vaccine. There are a lot of factors that we will not know about until they have the tissue in their hands and can run a battery of tests. Fingers crossed that I'll be able to get the vaccine. If not, at least they will have the tumor tissue out of my brain. Adios Hermie!!

Here's a photo of mom, dad, and I after the appointment. Mom wanted to celebrate the great news with a group photo :)

 Here's another photo that my mom took as they were about to send me into the fMRI machine yesterday. That was a crazy experience. I was absolutely exhausted after that. Completely spent. I'll tell about it another time.

Destiny Calls

We're headed out the door in a minute to find out if I have a second tumor. If it exists, we should find out it is malignant. We should also find out if Herman is taking in contrast dye which would signify a morph into a stage 3 or 4. We will also find out if I will be able to remain in the clinical trial if I have a second tumor, and if I am able to do the surgery, whether or not I will have a partially awake craniotomy or a regular one. I am bracing myself for all of the information. I wish Dan could be here, but he's working. He'll be flying in tonight and I can't wait. We have so much to discuss, and a lot of hugs to make up for. I have a feeling I'm going to be a monkey crawling all over him at the airport, and for the rest of his time here. Hugging Danny is like charging my battery. I'm hoping for good news this morning....either way I'll keep you posted :) Love to everyone, and thank you for all of the support. Your comments on the blog and Facebook make me feel so good. I really appreciate it!

Zombie

There's a little moth munching in his little garden on our deck

The testing on Friday was no big deal. Instead of doing an entire battery, they pinpointed their biggest concerns and specifically chose several tasks to measure my abilities that have been effected by the tumor. The majority of time spent Friday was actually an interview. The specialists are concerned with the effects after the first brain surgery and how I've been recovering/functioning until this point. Their whole goal is to assess whether or not Dr Linda Liau should perform a partially awake craniotomy or a regular brain surgery. At this point, they are leaning toward another partially awake brain surgery. Damn. Not what I was hoping for. Apparently my tumor is so incredibly near or already integrated into my speech and language processing area that they're afraid if they do a regular surgery too much of my healthy tissue will be removed causing serious defects. They won't make their final decision until they get the results from my regular and functional MRIs on Monday evening. I will find out their decision on Tuesday morning at 8:00 am when I meet with Dr. Liau.

My first partially awake craniotomy back in April of 2010 was exciting. It was crazy to think that they were going to wake me back up after sawing open my skull, that my brain would be exposed and that they would place electrodes around my brain to make sure that they tried to specifically only remove tumor not healthy tissue. It was fascinating. It was the first time I had ever had a surgery. It was my first stay in the hospital. I hadn't even had a cavity before. Everything was new, and exciting, and I saw the surgery as a necessity, not an option.

During the long interview on Friday, after getting the pertinent information of my current "disabilities" I believe was the word the woman used, they were very interested in the attack that happened back in July. I kept telling them that I've come a very long way and that my "disabilities" are, in my opinion, minute, but they're scientists so they like to be precise. They're not so interested in improvement at this point, their whole goal is to make sure that the areas that are in jeopardy will not be compromised. They want my brain preserved in its' best, most healthy, natural state. After that, I explained the deal with the attack and the current resolution, including the details of the criminal investigation, my involvement with the prosecutor's office, my counseling sessions, and then I continued on to explain the panic attacks that have occurred. The panic attacks are a serious concern because people have very odd experiences when they come out of the anesthesia during the surgery. Your brain is exposed, and your body is very confused, you're confused, and it can cause severe panic. Now, although I do not want to do a partially awake craniotomy, if the doctors and specialists believe that it's necessary to be awake again, I will do it. I just hope that I don't freak out during the surgery. The specialists said that if I do end up freaking out when they wake me up from the anesthesia, they will use some code phrases that we come up with together, and if that still doesn't calm me down they will just put me back under and they will cut what they need to cut. Both options sound horrible, but it's definitely in my best interest to remain calm and undergo the partially awake craniotomy to preserve as much healthy tissue as possible.

I'm so stressed about everything, the possible second malignant tumor, the possibility of another awake craniotomy, the possible issue of blood clots or other complications and the vivid memory of the pain that comes hand in hand with a brain surgery, that I can't seem to sleep. In the past three nights I've had a cumulative amount of 18-19 hours of fitful sleep and no naps. I truly can not describe how excited I am to have Danny arrive Tuesday night. We always seem to diffuse any difficult situation by finding the laughter in life. He's the most amazing man in the world. In fact, I told him that if I have to do another partially awake craniotomy, and that if I freak out and they can't calm me down, that they will just put me back under and just remove the tumor, his response - immediately - was, "Ask Dr. Liau and the specialist in Tuesday's appointment if they can scrub me in. I'm always able to put you at ease." My heart literally melted and I asked him if he could handle seeing my exposed brain, and he said gently, "I could do anything if it meant helping you." Wow. I can not believe how lucky I am. He is the strongest man I know, emotionally, physically, spiritually...in every way. I can't imagine going through this without him. I think it's harder on him than it is on me. Of course, he doesn't show it, just another way he protects me. I can't imagine if I was in his shoes. Horrible. He is amazing.

2nd Malignancy?

What if the second area is malignant. Will that revoke my acceptance into the clinical trial?

Wow. Lots to think about in these coming days. Tomorrow, I have up to 6-8 hours of testing, all cognitive stuff. It's like back to back to back SATS.

As I digested my new information, my dad called me upstairs to check out a stunning rainbow. Does that signify that everything will be alright?

2nd Tumor Resection Is On

Bad news. The report showed that the tumor has grown. It used to be 10 mm x 16 mm x 9 mm and now it is 1.2 cm x 2 cm x 2 cm. Bummer. Apparently, all of my insane supplements have not done what I was hoping. Also, I have not been as diligent about my diet as in previous times so I'm sure that played a part. The only true diet to starve a tumor is the ketogenic diet which is incredibly hard to follow. If you remember back maybe a year or so ago I tried it, but it was so limiting that I couldn't keep it up. I was miserable. Anyway, now the tumor has grown, and unfortunately there is a second area of concern. Another area of dopa uptake. They will know for sure if it is malignant after Monday's two MRIs.

Wow. Bummer. Huge bummer. I guess I'm going under the knife again. I'm scared because now that my tumor has doubled in size they have to cut out more of my brain. Also, the area that grew was toward my speech center which may imply the necessity of an awake craniotomy which as you know raises serious concerns for complications. Damn. The doctors should know by the end of the day Monday, perhaps Tuesday, the type of surgery necessary to preserve the most brain tissue. The most shocking blow, beyond the growth is the possible second tumor. A calcification that took up the radioactive dopamine. If it's malignant I honestly do not know what I will do. What I will think. How I will handle it. Jeez. I honestly didn't see that one coming.

Ugh. I'm sick to my stomach. I wish UCLA was in Seattle so I could be in Danny's arms. He should be here a day and a half before the surgery. Until then I'm going to have to be strong.

Still Waiting

Good morning. Unfortunately, I only got 7 hours of sleep. This isn't going to bode well for my lingering cold, but I'm all amped up. Even as I write it I know I sound like a brat. Lots of people would love to get 7 hours of sleep, and here I am complaining. Sorry. Just ignore that :)

Thoughts keep running through my brain, I even imagine the synapses firing as I think. I'm highly tuned up. On my disk of the Dopa PET scan there are several images, and series of images. On the Dopa PET scan UNCORR it shows a bright white area which is not exactly located in the tumor area, but near. That's terrifying. Is it a new tumor area? On the Dopa CT the whole brain is black and grey and I can see the tumor resection area but I can't definitively see Herman. Herman, according to some Google research, should show as black, unfortunately, the tumor resection area is black as well. I'm sure the technicians have special tools to analyze my brain, but on our laptop we're just laymen trying to make sense of some advanced technology. One of the images on the disk is a side view showing either a plate in my brain spanning the entire left side of my skull or perhaps the synthetic dura mater, and the five screws that are attaching my skull together. If that's not nauseating I don't know what is. One of the screws which is located at my left temple makes a lot of sense, it's an area that has pain sometimes and is still raised, and always tender. Of course, I'm just mumbling. A raised area or a little tenderness is nothing compared to another brain surgery.

This morning, I woke up and grabbed a glass of water. When I went to get back in bed I racked my skull on the headboard. It hurt, but all I could think of is that I'm going to need to be much more careful because if I get the brain surgery, bonking my head will be astronomically worse. I'm so grateful that I've been able to go 2.5 years without another brain surgery.

I'm nervous for the report from the Dopa PET, and anxious, but at the same time it's wonderful to be floating in limbo. In this moment, I still have the possibility of no discernible tumor. Without the definitive answer, I still have hope, still the possibility of a miracle, of having been healed. I'm a very lucky to girl to have so much support. I've had help working on my supplements, figuring out new things to attack gliomas, I've had prayers from people from my hometown, my country, the world. I have had the support of friends, acquaintances, strangers, even the lady at Seattle City Light who asked why I was headed out of town - I gave her a brief synopsis and she said, "Oh sweetie, you just remember that Lynn said you're going to be just fine. I can just feel it." We laughed for a little bit and I thanked her. I get support from literally every avenue of my life, and I appreciate it SO MUCH.

On another note, I was talking to my dad about the independent review of my MRI's (I wrote about it a few posts back), and I need to clear up a couple of mistakes. Apparently, the gentleman who reviewed all of my MRI's did know my type of tumor, and he didn't say that the tumor was exactly the same he said something like, "There is no clearly discernible change in growth." Anyway, I just want to report things accurately. It doesn't change the message from my post, or the meat of the issue. It still looks very odd that UW was pushing me to do radiation. So much so that they were calling me at home to clarify any questions that I might have, or fears. They wanted me to come in and get a face mask fitted so that I could see that it isn't that scary to do radiation. I felt like they were trying to get me in with any trick up their sleeve. Crazy. Why would they still be pushing me when the tumor was stable? Why not wait?

Anyway, no need to beat a dead horse. Thank you again for all of the continued support, I truly appreciate it very, very much. Fingers crossed for a miracle, or as my dad likes to say, "It wouldn't necessarily be a complete miracle, you've worked very hard, so it would be a mix of both." I'll take that compliment :)

Waiting

We're still waiting for a final green light that we're headed toward brain surgery. I'm still, deep in my heart, hoping for a complete miracle. That perhaps I'm reading the scan incorrectly and the area of the tumor that we're looking at is some sort of unexplainable abnormality but not tumor. Until I hear from Dr Liau that it's for sure tumor, I'm just going to keep calm, continue to heal from my cold and enjoy each moment. Both nights, Dad and I have gone for walks along the beach. It's just the two of us for now, mom's back in Wenatchee working and Dan's back in Seattle working as well. So it's a father daughter team holding down the fort. Waiting, waiting, waiting.....laughing, debating. I'm trying to convince my father to share a few of my more socially liberal views. It's not really working, but he respects me for trying :)

I promise to let you all know as soon as I get the results. I asked the receptionist at the Dopa PET scan check-in if I could get the results sent to me. She gave me a form and I should have the read-out in my email either tomorrow or Friday. I'm always looking for the answers as soon as possible, even if it isn't want I'm wanting to hear. We will hit this head on, no pun intended :) for now we're on pins and needles.

First UCLA Appointments

I am exhausted. I was increasingly sick until I woke from my nap yesterday. The travel day was horrible, but who cares, I'm getting better and better!

Today I had my Dopa PET scan. Unfortunately, we blew out my vein on the first try so some of the radioactive liquid started burning horribly. The gentleman stopped and had to run back to the back room, the radioactive stuff can't be left out or it goes bad, so he had to switch it out, hurry back, poke my other arm, inject the new radioactive stuff and we were good to go. After the injection they had me lay down for 10 minutes while the dye moved through my body. Once in the scan, unfortunately, I had three coughing fits. It was uncontrollable, there was absolutely nothing I could do. Typically a cough will ruin the scan, but after reviewing the slides they said it was fine, which was FANTASTIC. I did not want to have to do another round of radioactive dye, or scan.

After the Dopa PET I had to literally run to another building because I was late for my pre-op physical. Every doctor, every technician, each receptionist and nurse - they were all incredibly kind, fun to be around, and they made my stressful, action packed day, as nice as it could be. The doctor checked me off and I'm good to go for a brain surgery. My general physician actually does rounds in the neurosurgery ICU on Fridays and he was excited to be able to check on me after my surgery he said with a sweet smile, "I will be doing rounds, and I'll come check on you. Of course, that is, IF you end up having to do the surgery." He knew that we were waiting on the Dopa PET scan results.

After the physical I went down several floors to the lab to get blood work done, the third needle of the day....rats. A little pee in a cup and I was off to another building for a lung x-ray - a formality. After that Dad and I went down to the film department to get copies of my Dopa PET. Within 20 minutes we had three copies of my scan. We have already reviewed it, and although we really don't know what we're doing, it's nice to see what the doctors are looking at.

There are several different scans of my brain, one does not light up ANYWHERE. There is another one that does, right in Hermie's house. I'm not going to make any snap judgements, but it looks like there is active tumor. At this point we are expecting to go through with the brain surgery. Bummer. We'll wait for an official nod from Dr Liau, but I'm mentally preparing myself for the knife.

Tomorrow Dad and I have to run to the hospital to get more medical records, and contact UW to send more medical records to UCLA. The details are never ending, you have to be on top of your game. You have to schedule so much of your own appointments, and you have to get all of the medical records, this is a very interactive situation. I wish I could just show up to appointments and have it all figured out, but oh well.

Off to bed.

If you look closely at the pen you can see a person laying on a bed, and when you turn the pen, the bed floats into the machine. Just a little gift from the Dopa PET scan department. A parting gift for subjecting yourself to radioactive fluid? :)

Possible Exclusion

When I can't sleep, I read about the success of my chosen treatments. Whether it's the results of the current dendritic cell therapy trials at UCLA (around the US, or even the globe), or the supplements and how they selectively induce apoptosis in glioma cells. When I'm afraid, I read. Last night, while trying to get more information, I stumbled upon the Exclusion Criteria for my clinical trial and right up there, first on the list, #1.......Subjects with an active infection.

AAAAAH!!!

My temperature is gone, my throat still hurts but it's getting better. I have been sitting on my bum or sleeping. This is so frustrating! The whole point of this trial is to train your immune system to attack the tumor. If my immune system is down the vaccine will not be as effective, perhaps not effective at all. I understand the exclusion, and that means I have to get my act together. Looks like I'll be laying low. I even asked Dan to pick me up a face mask for my flight. Yep, I'm going to be one of those weirdos that will be wearing a sickie mask, the bird flu kind, it's ridiculous. Oh well. Gotta do what you gotta do.

I'm sorry if I'm not returning very many texts, emails or phone calls. It's not that I don't think about all of my amazing friends - I do! All the time. It's one of the things that keeps me going, remembering all of the laughter, and fabulous ridiculousness of my life. But, it's true what they say, when you're fighting a beast like cancer you have to focus your priorities, and although I wish it wasn't the case, I have to focus all of my energy on resting and preparing for my trip. I'd rather be running the lake, going to dinner, or having a glass of wine with my girlfriends. Actually, I'd probably rather be doing ANYTHING other than preparing for another brain surgery. I can't think of much I would like to do less than a brain surgery. I only have so much energy at a given time, especially when a treatment is around the corner. I imagine it's like being a mother of young children. Your children have immediate needs and they can't take care of themselves. That's like cancer. All of a sudden, at times, everything else in your life falls by the wayside. I'm sorry that I'm not a very good friend right now. I hope that you can forgive me. I read all of my emails, text messages, etc., and I appreciate them so much, I just might not be able to respond.

On Tuesday, I got a copy of the only photo we have of Dan and I at Dallas & Kelley's wedding in Chicago. I think I'm so nervous to see what I actually look like in full shots that I've stopped taking them. I need to get over myself. It probably sounds weird, but I feel happy and healthy and I don't want to be analyzing my appearance, which I tend to do. Sorry it's a little bit blurry, Jen's daughter Kai took it :) I find it absurd that I can get caught up in such trivial things when deep in my soul I know I have a serious issue. I'm a contradiction of survival and vanity. It's confusing and embarrassing at the same time. How can a girl who has her life on the line be concerned about her looks, about material things, surface stuff, or image. I'm an anomaly to myself. I guess, in the midst of all the craziness, I still want to be a woman who's attractive and put together. To look as good as I feel.

I'm juggling a lot of things emotionally, physically, even spiritually. It's weird to ride the waves of cancer. One fabulous note that I realized I haven't shared, is that after April's MRI, my parents sent a copy of every single MRI to an independent radiology reading center. They did not get any extra information. They did not get my pathology or diagnosis. They didn't know the names of my doctors, or the treatment that they were recommending. My parents did it behind my back and just recently told me the result. The specialist who reviewed all of my MRIs said that my tumor has not grown.

I'm not sure what the deal is with the University of Washington and their radiology department. Do you remember when I talked to my doctor about how my radiology reports from the MRI readers stated that the tumor had not grown, yet my doctor and the nurse were trying to prove to me by measuring the tumor at my appointment to convince me to do radiation? What the heck?!? Or what the HELL is more appropriate. Please beware of my story. I have the top radiation oncologist at the UW who also teaches at the college and works at Seattle Cancer Care Alliance. I have no idea why there would be a discrepancy between those who read my MRIs and my doctor, but something is very fishy. I'm just grateful that I did not listen to my doctor. My brain would have been long fried and who knows how badly that would have turned out. I'm not necessarily against doing radiation but I would want to do it as a last resort. If my protocol is working, why beat a sleeping monster with a sledgehammer. Just tranquilize it.

So far, from October to April I was able to stop the growth of the tumor. I skipped the MRI in July due to the attack, so six months will have passed when I have my MRI on 10/15/12. Hopefully, I've been able to continue the trend, maybe even reversed it some. Anyway, I just wanted to share that information about the MRI readings. It is so important to analyze the information. It is imperative to get copies of all of your reports and look at them yourself. And if something doesn't sit right, pay the extra money and get an independent review. The worst case scenario is that you might be wrong. That you should do what your doctor is telling you. That you might be back at step one and out a little bit of money. But so what. At least you'll know that you checked your bases. Be strong, and follow your gut. Take whatever little energy you have and put it toward advocating for yourself. Don't just follow the cattle chute. You are the only one who can find the best cure for your body. There are so many successful treatments and there is no doctor in the world versed in all of the options. Be your own general manager, please don't be afraid of taking charge, and sometimes that means giving leniency to those on your team. Back in April I told my parents that they could solicit reviews of my case from other sources, I just didn't know that they were going to go through with it :) 

Thanks mom & dad for doing that review behind my back. If you have someone who can take the hits for you, double check things, etc. it's nice to not have to field the blows all the time. If the news was bad I would never have to know, but since it was positive it ended up being a gift. They knew that I wasn't going to do radiation anyway at this point so they felt no need to stress me out or fire me up right away. They waited for the right moment, once my mom had a martini in her :) She and I are open books that way. So there you go. A huge blog today, I guess I had a lot on my plate and it feels good to get it out. I fly out on Monday, and on Tuesday morning I have my Dopa PET scan to make sure that I actually have tumor tissue not just scar tissue. Let hope for a miracle! I probably won't know the results until the 16th. Of course, I'll let you know as soon as I can. Love to you all!

The 1%

Last night I was thinking that I'm in the 1%. Not the 1% financially. Not necessarily the 1% of survival rates for brain cancer (it's what I want but not my point). I'm 1% of the 7 billion, the luckiest percent in the world. I feel like I have one of the best lives. An amazing husband, great family, wonderful friends, amazing support, a warm comfy bed, clean delicious water filtered or not from the faucet, a wide variety of healthy foods at my fingertips, a safe home, a friendly community, gorgeous Seattle weather with no real annual natural disasters, free speech, the right to vote....I mean, really, I've got it made. Here I am with medical care, terrified of a possibly life saving treatment and I've been missing the whole point. People die from trivial ailments, and I'm getting the most advanced therapy in the United States for brain cancer. I'm lucky in life. I am the 1%. And this 1% has a temperature of 101. I'm going back to bed. But I'm going back to bed with a smile :) and some serious gratitude. I think my warrior is getting her game face on.

Beautiful Scars

Yesterday evening I went for a walk around the lake, of course, the second my feet hit the gravel along the outer loop my footsteps quickened. I'm a wonderful walker with friends, but alone I need more speed. I ran around the lake, sprinting at times, purging my emotions. It felt therapeutic. It felt cleansing.

I'm embarrassed by my last post. I have a wonderful life, and I truly have nothing to complain about. My troubles are not more important than everyone else's. In fact, if there's about 7 billion people on earth I can confidently say that there are hundreds of millions of people - possibly even billions - with problems much more serious than mine.
 
I just finished reading an amazing book titled, Little Bee by Chris Cleave. There are several powerful quotes and I want to share them.

“We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means, I survived.” 

“If I could not smile, I think my situation would be even more serious.” 

“I was carrying two cargoes. Yes, one of them was horror, but the other one was hope.”

“They say that in the hour before an earthquake the clouds hang leaden in the sky, the winds slows to a hot breath, and the birds fall quiet in the trees of the town square. Yes but these are the same portents that precede lunchtime, frankly.” 

“At some point you just have to turn around and face your life head on.”

“People wonder how they are ever going to change their lives, but really it is frighteningly easy.” 

“We cannot choose where to start and stop. Our stories are the tellers of us.”

My Inner Coward

My favorite photo of Chicago. Matt and my gummy bear race in his, Miriam and Nate's room. It's fun to laugh with friends that we've known since we were little. Matt & Nate lived next door since the time I was in middle school. I remember, from time to time - when I was lucky - getting rides home from school from the neighbor boys, saving me from the one mile walk along the dirt road. The Wight brothers. They were always down for a little basketball at their place, or mine, you would hear a ball bouncing and it was on. I have so many amazing memories in Friday Harbor. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and relive it all over again. Back to a time when my biggest concern was earning my driver's license.

I'm writing another post because I can't sleep. I feel like I have adrenaline bursting through my veins and nausea, along with dread, fear, and some sadness. I am one of those girls that is walking with the weight of the world on her shoulders. One of my favorite TV shows is called Parenthood. Dan can't stand it because it seems too realistic, but for me that's exactly what draws me in. One of my favorite things in life is watching human dynamics, and relationships, ebb and evolve. I'm in a vulnerable place right now, inching toward the knife, again attending appointment after appointment, MRI after MRI, reality into reality, deeper I go. In my show one of the characters has been diagnosed with breast cancer and the storyline stirs up so many emotions. It makes me confused, and reminds me of so many things. I find myself watching with tears running down my face. It feels cathartic and yet masochistic.

I am terrified of undergoing another brain surgery. I am scared for my head, all my little happily rebellious hair follicles, the scalp, the skin, the scar, the skull, the dura mater, the meninges, my brain tissue, oh wow, my poor body. Last time I went under the knife it was not an option. This time, I worry that I might regret walking into this. It could cure me but it could also kill me. That is a heavy burden and it's mine to bear. There are craniotomies performed all the time, hundreds perhaps thousands, I'm sure, most days of the week all over the country. I love hearing success stories, but unfortunately, I hear mostly those of horror. And with my history of complications, I feel as if I have plenty of reason to be concerned. I feel as if I am in my weakest point, that my warrior spirit is at an all time low. I'm still happy and enjoying my life, I'm laughing a lot, but deep in my soul it's stormy.

I don't need anyone to fluff me up and build my confidence if it isn't genuine, but if you could be strong for me, I would greatly appreciate it. I am unable to bear more than my load, and I'm sorry for that. I wish I could be stronger.

Chicago

Hello Friends! Dan and I just got back from our childhood buddy Dal's wedding in Chicago. It was gorgeous out there, perfect weather, tons of friendly faces, and we are both exhausted. If there is such a thing as too much fun, we had it :) Islanders took Chicago by storm. I'm so grateful that we were able to join in on the fun before I head to LA on next Monday. I have one week to rest up, to get back on track, to walk and run and exercise my body. I can't believe that it's already time for the clinical trial. I feel like I'm getting ready for the SATs, to head to college, to run a half marathon, for graduation, for another half marathon, my first solo intercontinental flight, my move from Fort Worth to Wenatchee, for the first brain surgery, and every little challenge in my recovery, wrapped into one. Here are a few photos from our trip, I'm off to take a nap :)

The Wenatchee fires

Criminal Charges

Well, today is off to a great start! After playing tag with the Seattle assistant district attorney, she let me know that the city is in fact going to press charges in my attack case!! Apparently, the city receives over 200 new cases a week, and they were very clear from the start that there is no guarantee that charges would be pressed. This case has bounced around a bit, within the system, and I've had to give my statement several times. Each time it was hard, sad, and stirred quite a bit of emotions.

When I heard the news this morning, I thought I would be relieved, happy even, but instead I'm sad. The man who attacked me is married with four children. The oldest is 10 and the youngest is a set of infant twins. I did not intend to hurt his family, but in order to keep others safe I felt compelled to help the city press criminal charges. I know that this man has sexually accosted two other women, and he has become more and more aggressive. To attack a woman in her own home, working as her maintenance man, is incredibly brazen. This man should not be working in people's homes.

Anyway, I'm off to catch the bus for another counseling session. Alison is going to be THRILLED by this morning's news!!

Also, I included three photos from Saturday night. Throughout the night I was reminded of how wonderful our friends are. I am so glad that our buddy Eric got his job at the Blume Company, where he met Meghan who is married to Sean, who he then introduced to Dan, then Dan included me, and now Meghan and Sean have introduced us to all of THEIR friends, and Dan and I now have a huge network of fabulous buddies. There is no limit to the kindness of those around us, we are completely surrounded by love and support. And I know it's not just Seattle, it's Friday Harbor, Wenatchee, Poland, Sweden, and so many other places. Thank you! I am always grateful for all of the hugs and support. Especially with this upcoming clinical trail. I've been battling panic attacks, that's why I hadn't been posting lately. But, that's for another post, I've got to get running for the 358 or I'll be late!

What's Bright & Has Dots All Over...

This is my second year donating a piece of art for my friend Meghan's philanthropy's art auction. The photo below is just a portion of the 30 inch x 30 inch canvas, which took over 60+ hours to create. I hope that it raises gobs of money for their fundraiser!!! I'm off to shower, and then off to the auction!!! Hope everyone has a wonderful evening!

Community



"Humans, like this piece, are full of color. They are constantly changing, shifting, growing, reaching. Even at our darkest points, we're never far from connection, laughter, euphoria. Each person, each color, is stunning alone, but when they come together, when WE come together, each unique shade, hue, and tint become more vivid. We are all more beautiful, more alive, as a part of our community, our human family."

New Supplement Recommendations

Sorry it has taken me so long to give the update on the supplements that Dr Chang recommended. I'm going to break them down below:

Lactoferrin (250mg 2xd) - Immune booster (read more here)
EGCG (250mg 2xd) - Amazing antioxidant (read more here)
Cloud Mushroom Extract (1500 mg 2xd) - Immune booster/cancer suppressor (read more here)
Thymus (4 sprays 2xd) - Immune booster (read more here)

Banerji Protocol 
Calc Phos 9X (3 pills dissolved under tongue @ 10:00am, 4:00pm & 10:00pm) - (read more here)
Ruta 6C (3 pills dissolved under tongue @ 7:00am, 1:00pm & 7:00pm) - (read more here)

I recommend researching all the different supplements on your own if you're interested in taking them. If you are concerned about quality, please check out Dr Chang's website, all of them are available there, and I trust him.

The Pleasure of Being Alive

I'm on hold with Jet Blue, figuring out flights. I still don't know when I'll be able to fly back home, but I'm paying for refundable tickets so it should all work out. I booked different flights for Dan already too, and that makes me really happy :) Dan's taking some time off for the surgery and recovery. It's a huge relief that Dan will be with me. He makes me laugh, nurtures me, and puts me at ease. I don't know if you guys remember, but after the last brain surgery, Dan would scoop me up and put me into a bubble bath. He would gently shave my legs and armpits. He coordinated over 80 pills daily, all of them falling at different intervals, even through the night. Dan did not sleep unless I slept, and even then he was so worried about me that he would be taking care of things around the house like food, or laundry, or just laying there softly cuddling me. I never thought I would be as lucky as I am. I never thought I could love someone this much. He's the most gentle and kind human I have ever met. He's amazing. This whole thing is crazy, but I'm becoming more and more ready, not only with the planning but also emotionally.

This is an amazing opportunity. It's the treatment that I wanted, with the best results. Originally, I was going to fly to Germany and do the same treatment. The only difference is that they were going to try and use my old tumor tissue, the one from 2.5 years ago. The problem is that the tumor tissue can morph. So, to have the best success rate you need the freshest tumor tissue. This clinical trial fell into my lap. It landed via email from my brain tumor fighting buddy Jessica. I had written off the trial because I thought that I had to do chemotherapy or radiation - or both - in order to participate. And now, here I am, I'm included in the trial, with the possibility of the absolute best results (I've read that the German treatment is 20% less successful). This trial does not come without costs. There's the cost of the brain surgery, hospital stay, all the medications, all of the scans (MRI, fMRI & DopaPET), all of the testing (pre-surgery language tests, cognitive tests, & surgery clearance), in fact I can't even think of all the costs at this point. The only thing that is free is the actual dendritic cell shots, of which there will be three. And, above the financials, there's the physical cost. We will not know the true amount until after the brain surgery has commenced. I won't feel comfortable until at least 48 hours after the surgery. Last time, I was fine when I came out of surgery, but within 24 hours I started to deteriorate. That's when my duramater peeled from my skull and a blood clot formed in the tumor cavity, and that's why I had to have a second emergency brain surgery. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I won't have the same complications, or any complications for that matter!

I have to run out the door, literally, to a hair appointment. My final trim and tint before the surgery. I'm opting to keep my hair, although they have to shave it in certain areas. I'm hoping to do a Donald Trump comb over :) We'll see how THAT looks. I might get sick of the crusty blood in my hair and the scab could prove difficult in that birds nest, but it's worth a shot. Yes, hair does grow back but unless you've shaved your head you don't understand what it's like to be bald and to deal with the horrible phases of grow-out. It's something I'd rather not experience again. I probably sound silly, but there are things that you can control, and there are things that you cannot. I like to control my hair. I like having the option of wearing it curly, or straightening it, either way at least it's there :)

Could you guys do me a favor? Could you please, after you read this, choose to go for a walk, or a jog, or do a push up, take the stairs, park further away from your destination, and then take a moment to thank your legs, your feet, and your body. After the brain surgery I will not be able to run for quite awhile. I will not be able to get my heart rate going or it will cause headaches and such. It will take time for me to heal, to ride a bike, to hike a hill, to push myself. Over the past 24 hours I've ran 14.5 miles because I'm so grateful to have the option. I've been jogging around the lake, the neighborhoods, like a complete goober smiling at the dog down the street, and his neighbor the calico cat whom I respectfully named the mayor of Green Lake. I'm breathing deeply, enjoying the pain in my muscles, soaking up life. Please join me by doing something that gets your heart going. Please take a moment to thank your body. Please take a moment to truly enjoy being alive.

Scalpel, Skin, Saw, Skull

I've been mentally running around like a crazy person trying to plan this trip to UCLA. I have six different appointments already scheduled. I just got off the phone a little bit ago where the gentleman said that they won't schedule my post surgery pathology appointment because they will need to review the results and decide if they're going to recommend further treatment, like chemotherapy or radiation. Once they have their recommendation (hopefully NOTHING), they will decide if I need an appointment with Dr Liau or a specialist. Fingers crossed for just Dr Liau! Of course, I can always opt out of those treatments, but it's still a scary concept to acknowledge that the DNA of my tumor could have morphed into a higher grade. That's a very scary thought, one that only swims around the periphery of my mind, a possibility but not my current reality. It's important for me to not get caught up in the "what ifs." And anyway, I feel great! So there.

Can you believe I'm doing another brain surgery? It's almost exactly 2.5 years after the first one. That seems very quick, and yet, an entire lifetime. They're going to cut through my beautiful, unknowing, innocent little skull. They will use scalpels, a saw, and other tools. They will peal back my skin, pull off a portion of my skull. They will cut small nerves. They will dig around, separating the brain tissue and tumor. They will do all kinds of things, moving and removing things in the most intimate part of my body. They will be working on the area where my most inner thoughts and feelings, my genius and my ignorance are dancing. I speak of a brain surgery the way that most people discuss their grocery list, but here I am, getting quite serious. I guess it's time. After the last brain surgery, I never wanted to have to do another one ever again - and yet here I am CHOOSING do it. Crazy stuff.

I feel better than I have even from before the surgery, before the diagnosis. I hope that I don't have a major regression from the surgery, any type of set back - like death, or blood clot like last time - because I'm feeling fantastic, incredibly healthy, superhuman even :) I'm just so grateful for this opportunity, yet afraid as well. I mean, seriously, they're venturing into my brain. Yes. It's a big deal. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens. Gotta take risks in life in order to have success, and I do believe that this is an educated risk that very well might be the biggest success of my life. Why not believe that I can beat this? Why not believe that we can beat anything?

One of my favorite trees along Green Lake. I'm soaking up all of the beauty around the neighborhood, storing the images in my memory bank to fill me up while I'm gone in LA.

I love the flower memorial that has been continuously updated since they chopped down this sick tree along the lake. However, I'm quite confused because they're killing flowers in the process to recognize the death of the tree, doesn't that seem hilariously ironic?

Post NYC Report

My college roommate Jess. It had been 10 years!! So much has changed, yet she's still the sweet, sassy girl that I have so many incredible memories with. Aaaah, the ridiculousness of college. We shared a lifetime of laughter :)

Mom getting the hang of things

The appointment went incredibly well. I highly respect Dr NYC. He seems to be the perfect fit. He reviewed my entire case, and was able to recommend a few more supplements (printing out research proving the effectiveness against gliomas/astrocytomas). I shared my plan with Dr NYC, and we discussed pros and cons of my options. Ultimately, we mutually decided that the best course of action is for me to do the clinical trial, and continue on all of my supplements. Dr NYC and I will be in contact, and I will end up heading to see him again after the brain surgery, once I am healthy enough to travel.

After my appointment with Dr NYC, I immediately emailed Dr Liau to see if we could schedule the brain surgery. She responded within a couple of hours, and I now have the surgery on the books. My brain surgery will happen on October 18th, at UCLA. I'll need to travel little over a week in advance in order to complete all of the necessary testing, and I'll need to stay in LA for two weeks after the brain surgery to make sure that I'm healthy enough to travel. All-in-all it looks like I will be in Los Angeles for a month. Thank you to everyone who helped with the cherry fundraiser, for all of the donations, and the Crystal Seas Kayaking fundraiser. The money is going to be incredibly helpful! We're looking for a rental in LA close to UCLA so that my parents can stay there, then I can recover for a few weeks. Dan will be flying in every weekend to be with me....eeek....this is really happening!!!

As a final note, the most influential statement from Dr NYC was that he recommended the clinical trial since the results are so remarkable. He says that there's a chance that if I do the clinical trial, I may never need any further treatment ever again. It's not probable, but it's possible! The trial is still pending, and we won't know the results for years, but that's the point, patients are exponentially outlasting their "termination dates" - my words not his. There is a very good chance that even if it doesn't cure me, I wouldn't need treatment for years, and years, and years. This could be HUGE.

I'm terrified, and excited, and exhaaaaausted. So I think I will go nap. Love to you all! And thank you for always supporting me. Life changes so quickly around these parts, but one constant is the love from my friends, and my family. Thank you.

Kayaking

My first bus ride since the attack. I'm on a roll!!

Wandering around lower Queen Anne on my way to a girls only kayak trip

Hunting for harbor seals

Just after a paddle whack to Julia's face. It was an accident, I swear!

J & J conquer Lake Union

I'm so glad I'm stubborn! I just have to get my frustration level high enough to get moving. Yesterday, I hopped on a bus, meandered down through lower Queen Anne, and met my buddy Jules down at Lake Union for some kayaking. I have become sick of living in fear of seizures or panic attacks. Now that I've gotten myself running again, and can easily hit the grocery store by myself, I have become much more confident and I'm pushing boundaries that I haven't pushed in months. I've decided to get out and have as much fun as I can before the brain surgery. Jules and I even made a mental summer bucket list of fun activities to do. I'm so happy to be out doing things, conquering my fears, and laughing, enjoying the world around me. Life just keeps getting better and better!! :)

To Do (in no particular order):
Hike Mount Si
Rent bikes and explore the Burke Gilman Trail
Stand up paddle board around Lake Union
Rent one of the electric boats on Lake Union with a group of friends to watch the sunset

We'd better get to work! :)

Dr NYC

Ok. Mom & I are flying to New York for a doctor appointment on Tuesday. It'll be a quick trip, just two days, then back home and I'm really excited! This is an exploratory appointment, and if it goes well, I might be going back on multiple occasions. This is exactly why my parents did the cherry fundraiser, so that I can go to the best doctors and get the most up-to-date treatment information. The doctor, Dr NYC, is all over the cancer community, pushing the boundaries of treatments. He's a genius who is deeply respected in the cancer world (he also specializes in fertility for those who might be interested), and is on the cutting edge of cancer research. Not to mention the fact that he "currently directs the world's largest database project on anti-cancer herbs," according to the clinic website. According to my research, and my girlfriend who is a patient, he is incredibly open minded about alternative treatments, and at the same time he has the western medicine knowledge and experience so that he combines the best of both worlds. This is so great!!

I have wanted to fly to New York to meet this man, and learn from him, but I haven't had a great sense of direction. It's always tough to make the final decisions in life, but luckily for me, this morning I received a sign! My girlfriend who is battling metastatic breast cancer mentioned Dr NYC, and I remembered us discussing how pleased she has been under his care. She was literally singing his praises when she found out I was curious about his reputation. This girl, or woman I should say, although I usually just call myself a girl - we're the same age (more or less), is one of the most well researched cancer patients, or humans for that matter! She's incredibly interesting and witty, curious, and out-of-the-box in her myriad of cancer therapies, most of which she has researched and discovered on her own (it seems). She's hands-on, and although we are an ocean apart, I feel like we're going into battle, side by side, with full armor. Hopefully L won't mind that I'm sharing our friendship, but it's important for me to include the catalyst for my new appointment.

Sometimes when I'm not blogging, actually quite often, I'm researching. This astro-hermie is never off my mind, or out of my mind for that matter :) I'm constantly planning my next plan of attack, and I've got a pretty sweet one figured out! The problem is that I can't explain it until I have all of the information from my multitude of doctors (it will take several conversations since there are so many). So, for now, please trust that I have quite the bunny up my sleeve. Things are looking better and better, and as I am able to give more information, I promise I will let you know. It could take months for me to be able to discuss, but like the youngest child that I am, I am HORRIBLE about secrets - especially my own.

I guess the biggest take-away from this post is that we are on a serious upswing, and I have a master plan. The best and most elaborate plan I've had since I was diagnosed. Fingers crossed that it will all work out!

Last night Dan and I took our nephew Casey to the preseason Seahawks game.

Holding hands as we walked through the crowd. Highlight of my night :)

I'm headed to New York!! More on that to come.....

My Fitness Pal

MyFitnessPal

From being so sedentary the past month and a half, I've gained a few pounds. It falls somewhere between the seven to ten pound mark of pure lard. No big deal though, I found the coolest FREE app, MyFitnessPal, that counts my calories, even showing the breakdown of carbs, protein & fat, and calculates the calories that I burn. It even shows the breakdown of the vitamins and nutrients that I've eaten that day. I can check any deficiencies - it's so cool! The whole thing has turned into a game. I sound like an advertisement, but I promise you it's amazing! I use it on my phone and it's fun to add in any new food, or exercise. I thought it would be depressing, tracking every single piece of food that goes in my mouth, but instead it has been uplifting. If I eat a big meal and I feel fat, I can check my app and so far it has shown that I'm still within my range, or I realize that I need to get out for a quick walk or jog. Instead of figuring that I've already ruined my calorie count, and going for more food later, I realize that I am still in the game. I'm not sure if that makes sense, hopefully it does. I've already lost 5 lbs. I even ate homemade margarita pizza last night, and STILL lost weight.

If I keep up with my program (my goal is to lose 10 lbs), I should be at my goal weight 145 by Oct 1st. That's exciting!! At the rate I'm going, I only have 5 pounds more to go. I've always had a problem eating small amounts, especially when the food is delicious, but it was fun creating a healthy-ish meal like my homemade pizza, and still losing weight. I can literally track everything, and I know exactly how to be successful. The best part is that I can see when I've gone "negative" and I need to get out to burn some calories to stay on track. No more guessing. No more giving up. I'm probably annoyingly excited, but hey, weight is tricky and anything that helps keep me healthy is a good thing. Let me know if anyone decides to create a program - you can visit with your friends and share info. Some people like to do things on their own, but I'm more of a group kinda girl.

It feels so good to be successful. One of the worst feelings in the world is when you feel fat. It's demoralizing.

If you don't have an IPhone you can do this program on your computer at www.myfitnesspal.com

On another note, I successfully lifted weights at the gym last night with Dan. It was the first time in two months - the first time since the attack. I am on a roll! :)