Please Forgive Me

Sometimes I wonder what the hell I've done over the (almost) five years. What have I even done? Am I even contributing to society? Am I helping enough? What you guys don't see is that I get so tired. I get these brain flu episodes. I can't explain it; I can't anticipate it. When I don't feel well, when I can't get my brain to unfuzz, I don't blog. I don't complain about it, or write about it very often, because I figure it comes with the territory. I have had three brain surgeries, and with that comes damage of the wiring, of my thoughts. I'm missing healthy brain tissue, tissue that I'm sure the little sensors in my body are still searching for. Anyway, I usually give symptoms a period of time before I panic and post, and now it has been about a month of living in silence. I have been having horrible headaches, but they're only on one side of my head, the side with the tumor. It is just as my original brain tumor headache arrived, it started all over my head, then it shifted and it was only on the side of my brain with the tumor. I could (and can) literally feel the barrier of my midline (the halfway point between the two hemispheres in the brain) stopping the progression of pain. To have this type of headache right now is absolutely terrifying. My next MRI is in April, and I do not want to push it up sooner. If the headaches, and confusion, and exhaustion continue then I will revisit. That may seem different than the usual Jess. I'm known for not putting things off, but there's a fine line between putting things off and not being an alarmist. In the meantime I'll focus more on diet, lowering inflammation, and regular exercise, and meditation, and prayer, and rest.

I'm wondering if a portion of it is stress, these issues, or the majority for that matter. Another thing that I don't tend to write about is that I get contacted daily via email, text, phone, by other friends with cancer, and also several times a day new people find me. Right now two of my closest cancer friends just found further metastasizes. And that was just in the past 24 hours. Those two girls, along with another of my closest friends who also has active stage 4 cancer, need me. And I adore them. I love them. Then I get other people that need help and direction, and I'm happy to do so; those emails are a joy. I want to help people survive, but then I get other emails, so so so many of these emails, of people that don't tell their husbands, their parents, their siblings, their children, that they are battling cancers, and tumors, or diseases, and they come to me for camaraderie, and to vent, and to find a source of support. But the thing is that I am only one person, and I am already exhausted, and scared, and trying to remain healthy. Stack on top of that, my friends whom I adore, whom I want to save, whom I want to cure, whom I want to be around for decades and decades. I want them to be around for a lifetime. And I'm virtually helpless. I'm stuck here. I'm just me. I research for them, I brainstorm, but it's not enough. I want to do more. I want to be there. I want to take it away from them. I want to be the superhero that snags the ticking time bomb of cancer and flies it away at supersonic speeds to another galaxy, returning in the nick of time so that we can all be saved. (Sorry neighbor aliens.)

I want to help everyone. I want to give you strength, but each time I give my strength I have to be replenished too. I can not continuously give. I can not be everyone's rock. From the time I was young I have internalized other people's plights. I was one of those kids who would cry for starving children. When I read your emails, when I hear people's fear, I feel it. I can not live removed. So what I have to say right now is that I am asking those of you who reach out (and as you read this please know that there are tens of people daily, this is not singled at any two or three people) and are carrying the burden in the dark to open up to your friends, and family. Not only will you need that strength and love and support, but also, as my dad recently reminded me, it makes them feel better to be a part of the journey. They appreciate being involved. They want to help us. Of course, you don't have to do anything you don't want, but I guess this is my cry to you, I can not carry everyone else's burden. I can carry a few, but this is not normal stresses. This is life and death, and my friends are a high need group, and in order for me to be a good friend, and be able to handle the reality and research and emotional support to help them, I have to focus and know my limits.

I feel horribly guilty that I can't be everyone's friend, that I can't have relationships with everyone who reaches out. I hear the fear in your voices. I feel what you feel. I want to help. I want to fix. I am so sorry that I can't do it all. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Even though I'm writing all of this, I hope that you still feel comfortable reaching out if you have direct questions. I really appreciate it when they're short. It's especially the long emails that get me. It takes so long for me to read and think and analyze - it zaps me. I am incredibly capable, but I have limitations, and I have to be able to triage. I can't be attached to my computer and phone all day, it isn't healthy. And the subject matter is so heavy, so dense, so dark.

I'm sorry that I had to post this message. There is nothing more that I want than to help, but I am only one woman. And I'm not trained for this. I'm not built for this. And my heart, which thankfully is quite large (probably big like my huge noggin), is reeling. It is deeply bruised, and hurting for my two First Descents camp friends who have had such horrible news. Fucking cancer.

I'll leave you with this quick video, it's about angiogenesis and cancer. There aren't any great anti-angiogenesis drugs for brain cancer that will cure, but don't forget that food does matter. We can eat things just because we're hungry, or because it makes us feel temporarily better, or we can make our food serve a purpose, to make it count. There are all these little things that we can read up on and learn about to take charge. I'm not trying to imply that diet is enough. I'm only imploring you to get curious, read up, research, Google stuff, and find what empowers you. There are so many times with cancer when we feel helpless, and scared, but there are actions that can help. Never give up. You are capable just within yourself. In any moment you can make choices to change. It's all in you.

Joining My Herd

My lovely, timid, garden finally produced her first cucumber! (I'm pretty sure it's my fault for under-watering.) There is nothing more delicious than snipping a warmed-by-the-sun cucumber, and taking a big ole bite. The flesh was soft, giving way to a watery crispness. Yum!

I have some pretty exciting news. Remember when I mentioned that this year, my 34th, would be a time of challenges? That I was redefining fear in my life? Well, on Sunday I am flying out to Moab, Utah for a week of rock climbing. It's through a program named First Descents. I applied expecting to hopefully make it into a program for next year, but just a few weeks ago I received an email about a cancellation so I quickly started jumping through hoops. The program I was trying to get into was surfing in Santa Barbara, and I was stoked, but after my physical and final documents made it to their medical team, it was decided that because of my history of seizures I'm not allowed in their water programs; I at least have to be seizure free for a year. (There goes the river kayaking, too!) But, as a very kind gesture, they sneaked me into a rock climbing program instead. I'm so nervous.

Oh ya, did I mention that all the attendees are cancer fighters and survivors?!? That's the part I'm most excited about. I've written about my isolation before, about how hard it can be when you're fighting tumors or cancer, that you can't relate on the same level with your friends, or even your family.

"First Descents offers young adult cancer fighters and survivors a free outdoor adventure experience designed to empower them to climb, paddle and surf beyond their diagnosis, defy their cancer, reclaim their lives and connect with others doing the same."

I can't wait to join my herd. (Does that make me a cow?) I can't wait to make friends. I can't wait to laugh! I can't wait to freak out from the heights. I can't wait to kick some rock ass. I can't wait to sweat. I can't wait for the challenge. I can't wait to earn my fear. I am so sick of shooting up out of bed from nightmares. I'm sick of nightsweats. I am sick of sensing tingles, and changes in my tumor cavity, always wondering, Is that the tumor? Am I feeling angiogenesis, a new blood vessel feeding Hermie, helping him grow? I'm sick of fearing brain tumors. I'm sick of fearing fear. It's not that I want to change how fear plays a role in my life, it's that I am changing how fear plays a role in my life. I am taking control now.

I feel guilty taking a week long vacation while Dan works. I feel guilty taking time off of my life, my research, my job helping my friends fight their cancers. There won't be an internet, or I've been told it's spotty, so I'll literally be gone. I feel guilty and lucky that I get to go on this free trip, and get this amazing experience. I feel like this will be a game changer. That it will be a catalyst, empowering me, humbling me, recharging me. In my life, at each turn, I just keep getting gift after gift. Who gets to live like this? This girl. And she's damn grateful.

Smart Bomb

Good Morning! I just finished making my breakfast drink. Guess what came in the post yesterday......three guesses.....just kidding! It's my Vitamix!! I made a smoothie yesterday with two bushels of upland cress, and a banana. It was pretty freaking spicy, but upland cress, even in dietary amounts helps stop angiogenesis to tumors. Angiogenesis is the generation of new blood vessels, and blood is what carries the food to the tumors. No blood - no food - no tumor. It's the PEITC in upland cress that does the magic. If you can eat foods high in PEITC, your body will love you!

Just a little bit ago, I made a new smoothie - it's so much fun playing with this new toy. The Vitamix came with two cook books (Ani's Raw Food Essentials, and Live Fresh) - both vegan & raw. The recipes look amazing, and I'm so excited to walk over to PCC to pick up ingredients for my first recipe! This morning, though, I figured I'd just make due with what's in my fridge and cabinets. So here's what I did:

One banana
Three large leaves of purple kale (deveined)
Half the blender full of baby spinach
Two to three cups of water (depending on the thickness you desire)

1 Tablespoon of chia seeds, soaked overnight

An overflowing tablespoon of Barlean's Greens

My favorite smoothie glass is Dan's Guinness cup :)
The blending of this machine is unreal.
My old blender would leave chunks of banana, it was so dull.
Not this guy, the drink was so smooth - DELICIOUS. 

For my taste, this smoothie was a bit too sweet. Barlean's Greens is very sweet, and earthy. I should have omitted the spinach and just filled the blender with kale, that would have made it more bitter and balanced it out, I think. Still good though - I'm just not used to super sweet stuff.

While I was blending, I couldn't help but dance with Bingie. Life is so great! That article on www.mygreenlake.com was so wonderful, and fun. I'm so lucky to live in Green Lake, and I'm so grateful for the fact that the brain tumor has not grown in the past three months. I truly believe, that if I work hard, and take this seriously, along with my artemisinin, I can heal my body, and say good-bye to Herman. People still don't totally know the most effective dosing, or how often to administer, but researchers are getting closer and closer. Artemisinin is a natural chemotherapeutic that doesn't have side effects (unless you take an absurdly crazy accidental dosage). There are so many stories of artemisinin healing cancers - all cancers. I was forwarded a video from YouTube overnight from our buddy, and it confirms and summarizes exactly what I've been reading with research. It's so inspiring! I'm pasting it below so you can watch it if you choose.

I realize that what I'm doing to try and heal my body is considered "alternative." It's outside mainstream western medicine, and often in our society seen as "quack". The standard of care is surgery, radiation, chemo, another surgery, etc.. But, in my situation I have nothing to lose. I've done the surgery, and radiation wasn't going to extend my life so I don't see why I would fry my brain just in the hopes to slow the onset of symptoms. I've talked to my doctors, both my radiation oncologist, his nurse, a neuro oncologist, his nurse, and even a few residents, but no one seems to be able to come up with a good argument to sell me on this whole radiation thing. I'm not saying I'll never do it (it's dangerous to say never), but at this point it doesn't make sense.

For now I'm going to focus on eating healthy, healing myself cell by cell, happy thought by happy thought, run by run, laugh by laugh, hug by hug, smoothie by smoothie. If you have cancer and you're reading this blog, please know that you're worth the fight. People want you to live. Don't listen to the people that say you're going to die. Don't listen to yourself when you think you'll die. Learn from others who have outlived their diagnosis - they're holding keys that can unlock your survival. Don't give up!

Here's a photo of the lake from yesterday. It was stunningly gorgeous outside, a crisp 50 degrees with a little breeze. I walked and walked and walked, which felt amazing since I can't run yet. The fresh air, and happy faces made me smile. I've decided my favorite thing to see is people walking hand in hand. What a simple and beautiful act. It reminds me how connected we are.