Orthoexia? What!

Holy. Cow. I have borderline orthorexia. 

It's an actual thing. 

I was watching the news this morning and a story came on about a girl who went vegan and about a year into it she realized that she would stand in front of the fridge for 20 minutes, overanalyzing her food choices, afraid to make a decision. She was obsessed with picking the healthiest choice (the definition of orthorexia). Hearing her story was like looking into the mirror. The girl became malnourished, having an extreme case of the disorder. I would consider myself more borderline, but the truth is, my obsession with food has lead me to become weak, have more seizures, limited my activities, and has isolated me from social settings. It has been too much. My relationship with food has become unhealthy. 

The tricky part, is that in the case of cancer many people say that their extreme food choices (orthorexia) saved their life. That it stopped their tumor growth, or even healed them. Of course, as with everything, there's a fine line, but I'm realizing for me personally, I've crossed it. Analyzing food has been all encompassing. Food has come to signify life or death. It has become my god and my devil. 

This realization, of orthorexia, comes just several days after making the choice to stop being so restrictive. I have stopped checking macronutrients (even though I can mentally size up grams, and ounces, and calories, and fat content and carb amounts of various foods - vegetables, fruits, meats, dairy items, oils, nuts - by memory) I no longer eliminate things from my diet. I made that decision after observing the fact that my seizures have gotten worse the more I restrict, the more I obsess and remove foods from my diet.

I should say, I can't, nor would I want to, unknow what I know about food. I'm now allowing myself to use my vast knowledge (and part of this is me acknowledging that I am educated enough to make great decisions) to eat the way that I need to for energy, for seizure control, and for tumor-fighting. Every body is unique. Each body has specific needs, and now that I've tried everyone else's protocols, I need to just create my own. I finally feel comfortable enough, after trying every tumor diet I could find, to fly on my own. Now I'm truly off in unchartered territory. My own rules. My own way. I feel empowered, but nervous. My training wheels are off. 

I have always put so much weight on food choices, since I was diagnosed, then progressively so as I researched more and more. Now it's up to me to make the best decisions. To compile all of my reading, my knowledge, and live healthy, to fight my tumor, and eliminate seizures, and have enough energy to get out and enjoy life. I hope I'm making the correct decision. I guess we'll find out in October when I have my next MRI. Perhaps, I just need to have faith in myself. And remind myself that no one diet (vegan, raw, restricted ketogenic, paleo, vegetarian, Budwigs, macrobiotic...etc.) cures cancer. But a percentage of people do well on each one. I need to go back to listening to my body, and quit beating my head against the brick wall of food/diet. 

I leave you with a photo of Charlie, my largest, happiest, cucumber plant. Note to self: I should probably stop naming my plants because it makes it harder to eat them. 

Slogged The Whole Lake!!

Dan and I just slogged the lake!!! We went through the blustery rain, a total of three miles in 45 minutes. A pace of just under 13 min mile. No stops.

I'm enjoying focusing on getting better. I have completely revamped my diet, back to its' normal state, along with restricting my calories by 30-40%. It is widely proven that a carbohydrate and calorically restricted diet helps starve tumors and cancer in general. If you calculate the proportions correctly with enough healthy fats and delicious protein, you have enough energy and tend to be satiated. Inevitably, there will be times when you're hungry, but hunger is not that big of a deal, just put water on to boil. Decaf teas of various flavors become your proverbial box of chocolates. And, they heat you up instantly, unlike the type warmth you get from candies (if you know what I mean).

Tomorrow I find out if I'm able to head to Germany for dendritic cell therapy....I'm so nervous!!

To distract, Dan and I decorated our Charlie Brown tree (that's Dan calls it anyway).

By the way, I still haven't gotten back into email or Facebook. It might be a bit. I'm starting with blogging and I'll continue to integrate slowly. I'm happy though, and very excited about how well things are progressing. I'm sleeping a lot, but that makes sense since I'm pushing myself quite a bit. YAY! I love pushing myself!!

Bad Beet Grit

Help. I can't seem to clean my beets properly. The juice was delicious, but the grit was disgusting. I still managed to drink the whole pitcher - I just pretended I was camping. The flavor was wonderful, truly.

Beet Juice

2 Large Beets (greens, stems, roots, everything)

7 Carrots

1 Granny Smith Apple

1 Inch of Fresh Ginger

Any suggestions on how to clean the beets? I noticed that even the leaves are littered with dirt. The beets really add a wonderful flavor to the juice, and beets are known to increase the body's production of glutathione levels which help fight cancer, especially tumors, so I can't just omit the red buggers. Somehow, the body uses glutathione as a master detoxifier, and the body uses it in the cleansing of each and every cell in the body. Research shows that cancer patients are massively deficient in glutathione. There are supplements to help boost your body's levels, but the problem is that glutathione is synthasized in the body by combining three specific amino acids. Therefore, supplements don't really work. You need to use food as your supplements to truly be effective. I think that's why all of the medicine, and supplements, in the world don't seem to make you healthy if you have a poor diet. It's fine to eat bad food every once in a while, but we need to nourish our bodies daily so that we have the building blocks to fight cancers, disease, fatigue, etc. 

So.....although the beet juice was a success (minus the grit), last night's dinner drink was pretty rough. I followed a recipe called, "Immune Builder." I've been nervous about Dan since he's been doing night work. He leaves for work at about 10:15 pm, arriving home in the morning at 8:00 am. They're doing taxing work, ripping out old escalators at the airport. He loves his job, but I worry about the irregular hours, and his exhaustion. As we speak (...or as I write...), Danny is curled up in bed with the curtains drawn. He'll remain there until late afternoon or hopefully into early evening. I have my little MP3 player on, quietly blogging, and running laundry in the basement. Anyway, I digress, my point is that I thought I'd find a good juice to boost our immune systems. Obviously, I'm always in need of some extra help, and although Dan seems to conquer any bug that swims into his airstream, I figured it couldn't hurt. 

Immune Builder (you'd better like garlic - Larry, this one's for you!) - serves 2

8 Carrots

4 Garlic Cloves

4 Stalks of Celery 

1 English Cucumber

1 Granny Smith Apple

The immune builder is definitely a breath buster, but least we were stinky together. In the future, I think I'll keep the garlic in our foods, not in the beverages. It's too confusing. I wanted to chew it. If anyone has any specific juicing suggestions, I'd love to try them out!

Misery Loves Company

Beautiful blooming tree in front of the Green Lake library

It's gorgeous in Green Lake today. It's sunny and the air is crisp. I just jogged the lake with Emma, stopping by the library to pick up a book that I had on hold.

Things have been great, just chugging right along with the protocol. I've made some changes and decided to allow antioxidants to my Monday-Wednesday routine. Those are the high dose days of artemether, and I'm supposed to limit my antioxidant intake because antioxidants clean up free radicals in your body. The free radicals are what are needed for the artemether to arrive into the cancer cells. Anyway, it's a long story and I don't completely understand it, but what I do understand is that my body needs an apple or a hot tea here or there - and some raw garlic.

I'm hoping that allowing my body to have antioxidants on the high dose artemether days won't hurt the progress. Guess we'll just have to find out in April at the MRI. I just can't live off of bland, boring, nutrient sparse foods. I crave tea more than I crave wine. Is that crazy or what?!? It's true though. Never thought I'd say it.

Other changes in my life include the removal of my copper IUD. I had no idea that copper causes angiogenisis (the development of new blood vessels), which is "a fundamental step in the transition of tumors from a dormant state to a malignant one," according to Wikipedia. Ooops. Thank you to my brain tumor friend Jessica for pointing that one out. Jeez. Seriously, I am so glad that I post so much personal information on this blog because ya'll keep helping me get healthier and healthier.

There are so many things out there to know, and things that can combat (or encourage) cancer. It's impossible to have all of the information, and that's why I love you all so much. I appreciate all of the help!

In about an hour my girlfriend Jess, who is currently living in Abu Dhabi with her husband Andre (awesome guy), will be arriving for a week. For those who don't know her, she's the friend who flew across the world to be with me when I was diagnosed and shaved her head in solidarity. I'm so excited to see her!! I also can't wait for Thursday when I take my chemo drink. She's one of those girls that will totally try it - I can't wait to see her gag and then laugh hysterically. Friends like her are priceless. I don't know why, exactly, I'm so excited to disgust her with my chemo drink. It's probably because misery loves company? Or, maybe it's that I'm a sucker for a good laugh. Regardless, I'm excited.

Smart Bomb

Good Morning! I just finished making my breakfast drink. Guess what came in the post yesterday......three guesses.....just kidding! It's my Vitamix!! I made a smoothie yesterday with two bushels of upland cress, and a banana. It was pretty freaking spicy, but upland cress, even in dietary amounts helps stop angiogenesis to tumors. Angiogenesis is the generation of new blood vessels, and blood is what carries the food to the tumors. No blood - no food - no tumor. It's the PEITC in upland cress that does the magic. If you can eat foods high in PEITC, your body will love you!

Just a little bit ago, I made a new smoothie - it's so much fun playing with this new toy. The Vitamix came with two cook books (Ani's Raw Food Essentials, and Live Fresh) - both vegan & raw. The recipes look amazing, and I'm so excited to walk over to PCC to pick up ingredients for my first recipe! This morning, though, I figured I'd just make due with what's in my fridge and cabinets. So here's what I did:

One banana
Three large leaves of purple kale (deveined)
Half the blender full of baby spinach
Two to three cups of water (depending on the thickness you desire)

1 Tablespoon of chia seeds, soaked overnight

An overflowing tablespoon of Barlean's Greens

My favorite smoothie glass is Dan's Guinness cup :)
The blending of this machine is unreal.
My old blender would leave chunks of banana, it was so dull.
Not this guy, the drink was so smooth - DELICIOUS. 

For my taste, this smoothie was a bit too sweet. Barlean's Greens is very sweet, and earthy. I should have omitted the spinach and just filled the blender with kale, that would have made it more bitter and balanced it out, I think. Still good though - I'm just not used to super sweet stuff.

While I was blending, I couldn't help but dance with Bingie. Life is so great! That article on www.mygreenlake.com was so wonderful, and fun. I'm so lucky to live in Green Lake, and I'm so grateful for the fact that the brain tumor has not grown in the past three months. I truly believe, that if I work hard, and take this seriously, along with my artemisinin, I can heal my body, and say good-bye to Herman. People still don't totally know the most effective dosing, or how often to administer, but researchers are getting closer and closer. Artemisinin is a natural chemotherapeutic that doesn't have side effects (unless you take an absurdly crazy accidental dosage). There are so many stories of artemisinin healing cancers - all cancers. I was forwarded a video from YouTube overnight from our buddy, and it confirms and summarizes exactly what I've been reading with research. It's so inspiring! I'm pasting it below so you can watch it if you choose.

I realize that what I'm doing to try and heal my body is considered "alternative." It's outside mainstream western medicine, and often in our society seen as "quack". The standard of care is surgery, radiation, chemo, another surgery, etc.. But, in my situation I have nothing to lose. I've done the surgery, and radiation wasn't going to extend my life so I don't see why I would fry my brain just in the hopes to slow the onset of symptoms. I've talked to my doctors, both my radiation oncologist, his nurse, a neuro oncologist, his nurse, and even a few residents, but no one seems to be able to come up with a good argument to sell me on this whole radiation thing. I'm not saying I'll never do it (it's dangerous to say never), but at this point it doesn't make sense.

For now I'm going to focus on eating healthy, healing myself cell by cell, happy thought by happy thought, run by run, laugh by laugh, hug by hug, smoothie by smoothie. If you have cancer and you're reading this blog, please know that you're worth the fight. People want you to live. Don't listen to the people that say you're going to die. Don't listen to yourself when you think you'll die. Learn from others who have outlived their diagnosis - they're holding keys that can unlock your survival. Don't give up!

Here's a photo of the lake from yesterday. It was stunningly gorgeous outside, a crisp 50 degrees with a little breeze. I walked and walked and walked, which felt amazing since I can't run yet. The fresh air, and happy faces made me smile. I've decided my favorite thing to see is people walking hand in hand. What a simple and beautiful act. It reminds me how connected we are.

Prayers For Dee Dee

I received a very sad email this morning. You may remember Dee Dee Pearce from the comments on my blog. Dee Dee has always shared kind words of inspiration, always lifting me up. When I started my struggle, she was dealing with some abnormal breathing issues. The doctors ended up finding a large tumor behind her lungs (which they believed was benign) and as things progressed, it turned out it was lymphoma. (I'm simplifying her journey here - it is long and arduous, although you wouldn't know it by her attitude.) I'm very, very sad to share that her condition has greatly diminished. For islanders, you may also remember her as Diane Pearce. She gave many children (including myself) piano lessons. Here is the email, please read it below and send your love, your positive thoughts and prayers her direction.

Hello all – It has been quite a while since Dee Dee’s last update, so I will fill in with a current status report. A little over three weeks ago, Dee Dee’s health started into a steep decline. Her strength has eroded daily, her appetite has diminished, and now she sleeps most of the time. A hospital bed was brought in for two weeks ago which has made her far more comfortable. She is frustrated because she has lost her ability to speak, for the most part. A few of Dee Dee’s closest friends and I are providing 24/7 care. Dee Dee enjoyed several home concerts provided by our musical friends. These were a real joy for her. Though she is too tired now to receive visitors, I know she cherishes the memories of those visits as well as the many notes, calls, and cards from you. Thank you very much for your support during this time. 

Walt

It breaks my heart to think about Dee Dee in pain, unable to do the things that she loves so dearly. She loves her horses and music; her joy is in the beauty of nature and those around her. Dee Dee has been a rock in my support system, and I am so grateful for her. Please help me send love waves her direction so that she can have a full warm heart, no pain, and more energy so that she can visit with her husband and friends.

On another disappointing note today, my cat is very sick. The vet thinks it's bone cancer. I know it sounds crazy to love a cat so much, but I've been crying all day. I pictured her, Stella the Pretty Pretty Princess (a nickname that I always took seriously, but everyone thought was a joke because she used to attack people), on my lap until the end. In fact, I was more worried that Danny might get stuck with too many pets if I die. It didn't occur to me that she might die first. How selfish of me. So, in the meantime, by the recommendation of the vet, we're going to pump Stella full of oral pain killers, vitamins, steroids and antibiotics, hoping that it makes her better. It's not lost on me that I'm doing to my cat what I won't even do to myself. At least I have a few weeks before I have to make a decision about Stella. I can't even think about it without sobbing.

The bright side of this tough day, has been the decrease of my medicine. Instead of just becoming despondent with all the bad news, I took a 2 hour nap then got back up. I did a load of laundry and started a new batch of sprouts. Just but cutting back to one 500mg pill a day of the Divalproex gives me more energy. The energy helps me conquer more, and put things in perspective. It helps me keep a positive spin. Although I've been crying off and on all day, I'm still functioning. That's big news for me. It makes me feel strong and capable. Capable of anything, even kicking this tumor's butt. I'm just sad that we can't all kick cancer's ass together.