Orthoexia? What!

Holy. Cow. I have borderline orthorexia. 

It's an actual thing. 

I was watching the news this morning and a story came on about a girl who went vegan and about a year into it she realized that she would stand in front of the fridge for 20 minutes, overanalyzing her food choices, afraid to make a decision. She was obsessed with picking the healthiest choice (the definition of orthorexia). Hearing her story was like looking into the mirror. The girl became malnourished, having an extreme case of the disorder. I would consider myself more borderline, but the truth is, my obsession with food has lead me to become weak, have more seizures, limited my activities, and has isolated me from social settings. It has been too much. My relationship with food has become unhealthy. 

The tricky part, is that in the case of cancer many people say that their extreme food choices (orthorexia) saved their life. That it stopped their tumor growth, or even healed them. Of course, as with everything, there's a fine line, but I'm realizing for me personally, I've crossed it. Analyzing food has been all encompassing. Food has come to signify life or death. It has become my god and my devil. 

This realization, of orthorexia, comes just several days after making the choice to stop being so restrictive. I have stopped checking macronutrients (even though I can mentally size up grams, and ounces, and calories, and fat content and carb amounts of various foods - vegetables, fruits, meats, dairy items, oils, nuts - by memory) I no longer eliminate things from my diet. I made that decision after observing the fact that my seizures have gotten worse the more I restrict, the more I obsess and remove foods from my diet.

I should say, I can't, nor would I want to, unknow what I know about food. I'm now allowing myself to use my vast knowledge (and part of this is me acknowledging that I am educated enough to make great decisions) to eat the way that I need to for energy, for seizure control, and for tumor-fighting. Every body is unique. Each body has specific needs, and now that I've tried everyone else's protocols, I need to just create my own. I finally feel comfortable enough, after trying every tumor diet I could find, to fly on my own. Now I'm truly off in unchartered territory. My own rules. My own way. I feel empowered, but nervous. My training wheels are off. 

I have always put so much weight on food choices, since I was diagnosed, then progressively so as I researched more and more. Now it's up to me to make the best decisions. To compile all of my reading, my knowledge, and live healthy, to fight my tumor, and eliminate seizures, and have enough energy to get out and enjoy life. I hope I'm making the correct decision. I guess we'll find out in October when I have my next MRI. Perhaps, I just need to have faith in myself. And remind myself that no one diet (vegan, raw, restricted ketogenic, paleo, vegetarian, Budwigs, macrobiotic...etc.) cures cancer. But a percentage of people do well on each one. I need to go back to listening to my body, and quit beating my head against the brick wall of food/diet. 

I leave you with a photo of Charlie, my largest, happiest, cucumber plant. Note to self: I should probably stop naming my plants because it makes it harder to eat them. 

Lemo-eep

Sorry to continue on and on about lemons, but I'm on quite a kick. Although acidic, they are great at balancing out blood sugar levels, purifying your blood and maintaining a healthy ph balance (there's a belief in some circles that an alkaline diet reduces the occurrence of cancer). It's great for brain function (I guess there's a bunch of potassium in the juice), and it boosts your immune system. I'm mostly excited about the fact that it helps cure insomnia. Tonight, I think I'll count lemons instead of sheep.

There is so much information out there about the benefits of lemons and fresh lemon juice, it's pretty astounding, and really exciting. I always love finding new delicious ways to jumpstart or maintain my health. You can even use the juice to zap zits. No joke! And it evens out your skin tone. Just be careful because it also makes your skin more vulnerable to the sun.

It's lemon counting time for me, but before I go, I'll mention Dan's favorite green drink. I use a Vitamix by the way, and would use no other brand - it is THAT fantastic. I don't use protein powders, I haven't found one that didn't have at least one questionable ingredient. Also, I don't need any extra protein, I get lots and lots from my diet. Sorry I can't be of more help on that front.

My quantities are eyeballed, so feel free to tweak things. This is a batch that creates about 2.5 pints. I make this for both Dan and I on Sundays, his day off of the week.

3 c raw spinach
3-4 large leaves of raw kale (remove stem)
2 medium-large ripe bananas
2-3 cups of cold water

The mixture should be runny (if not, slowly add water). Fill two pint glasses, leaving just a little room. Add 1 tablespoon of orange flavored fish oil to each glass. Stir. Drink. Use the rest of the mixture for whoever is the hungriest. Dan said its the best green drink he's ever had, like a green orange julius. He doesn't even know there's fish oil in it :) insert evil laugh here: bwa-ha-ha!

Personally, I prefer the same drink, less one banana, but ill make it however I need to so that he enjoys it, and now that I added the extra banana, he actually wants to drink it. To me that's a huge success!

You can save your green drink, or lemon juice for later in the day if you'd like. I don't because I prefer it fresh, and am able to blend/juice on a whim because I'm always home. I wouldn't go more than a day, though, before drinking it. The sooner you drink it the fewer enzymes and nutrients disappear. Some breakdown and die within 15 minutes. And your green drink will separate, and that's less than appealing, but if you have time issues, or want to take it with you to work, just pop it into a cup with a lid and shake it before you drink it. Even if some of the nutrients and enzymes die, there will still be huge health benefits to drinking the drinks, so don't just give up. It's still, most likely, going to be the healthiest thing you could have while at the office.

PS Happy Saint Patty's Day! I made Dan and I our green drinks, and we did lemon shots to celebrate. Not the same shots I used to do, but just as fun!

On The Up & Up

Things are getting better, I just have to get out of my head. I'm not sure if that makes sense. The seizure issue, for me personally, is a mind game. I can easily work myself up into a very fearful state, or I can calmly remind myself that I'm doing fine, that I'm just overheated, maybe it's very sunny, that my heart rate is up because of the conditions, not because I'm about to have a seizure.

I'm getting to the point where I feel "normal" and much more strong physically, and mentally. I still have fear, but Dan and I have been working on pushing my limits. I went for a walk with my friend Lauren the other day, Dan and I made it to PCC and Home Depot (both driving), and Dan and I have even gone running a couple of times. It might sound silly, but each time I'm out of the house is a major success. I'm excited to try and get out of the house on my own. I bet the first time I do anything will be a run around the neighborhood. So far, running has been my rock. It removes anxiety, gives me strength physically, and emotionally. It puts me back to my roots, grounds me, and empowers me. The florescent lights of the real world, the sirens and traffic, all give me (and probably a lot of people) anxiety, but when I'm out breathing fresh air, eying the various plants, birds, random pets, and vibrant people out there, I always end up smiling and feeling human, alive, happy, and grateful. I should clarify, normally, when I don't have seizure activity I am absolutely fine with sounds, bright lights, hectic situations or life in general, but when I'm on overload I have to be really careful.

Thank you for your patience as I've been horrible about emailing people back, and posting on the blog. I've definitely had a lot on my mind, not just with the attack, the landlords, and seizure stuff, I'm also incredibly nervous about the future brain surgery. The first brain surgery was not an option so I felt like I could just accept my fate, and release all (or most) of my fear. This time, this brain surgery, is optional. That is intense! What if something goes horribly wrong? It would be my fault for subjecting myself. Dan emailed Dr. Liau to see if she would prefer that I get on anti-seizure medicine for the surgery. I hated taking it last year, but if it will eliminate a complication, I will do it. I will do anything in my power to eliminate all complications. I want to get in tip-top shape, create a cancer fighting, surgery healing machine. My goal is to be running 3-4 days a week, weight lifting 2-3 days a week, and doing yoga 2-3 times a week for at least a month before surgery. It might sound excessive, but I'm not as intense in the workouts as you might imagine :) It's mostly a stress reliever, and the more you work out the more fun food you can eat :)

I've added delicious food to our diet, lots of legumes, whole grains and of course the usual veggies and lean meats. The difference, is that I'm playing around with new recipes. Tomorrow night I'm making a spinach burrito. It includes sauteed spinach, onion, and bell pepper then of course, a mix between black and pinto beans (seasoned with hot sauce), then long grain black rice (seasoned with cumin & a little turmeric), with chopped green onions, chopped romaine lettuce, and shredded sheep cheese - you wrap it all up in a whole grain tortilla and it's DELICIOUS. And it's much more fun than the typical salad and steamed/grilled veggies that I usually make us. With all of the stress in our lives right now, I'm enjoying the relaxation of food rules. Life, literally, is too short to get crazy about maximizing the nutrient content. Keeping everything in the whole foods, or whole ingredient, category is good enough for me these days. So what if a whole grain tortilla is technically processed. I'm over it. It's still whole grain (of course, you still have to read the ingredients to make sure there's nothing funky), sprouted spelt tortillas are my fav. Some may disagree, but I do believe that there are some processed foods that aren't that bad for you.

Photo of the day taken last Friday...I have a new buddy, and I keep feeding him which is strengthening our bond....

Grumpy Girl

When I'm in a bad mood, I figure it's a great time to get out for a run. Today was no exception. We were a perfect pair, Mother Nature and I, both cranky. The wind slapped my face over and over again like a cold fish. The rain drops soaked me through every article of clothing, all the way down to the toes.

I'm not sure why I'm in such a bad mood. I guess I'm caught up in the seriousness of having cancer. This can happen when I'm on strict mode with my diet. It's wonderful to eat supremely (why does that word make me think of pizza) healthy, but I hate the fact that my food sins literally are punishable by death. It would be nice if my food sins were just punishable by fat. At times, it's an overwhelming feeling.

It's weird that almost two years ago I was diagnosed with my brain tumor. And almost unimaginable that I have been living in three month spans ever since. My life is completely dictated by my three month MRIs, scheduled just to watch my cancer grow (Except for the last MRI. Phew!). Oddly, I find that I've been appreciating life, the daily gifts, but the big picture is lost. It's wonderful living in the moment, but there's something about having long term goals. I realize that life changes for everyone, that it's difficult to plan, but it's different when your survival is literally up in the air, and constantly shoved in your face. It's a lot.

Tuesday Night's Dinner

Tonight's Dinner