Partially Back

Hi Friends! I'm on limited technology. And I have to say that Dan is truly amazing. He can read me so well. In my downtime I've been able to focus on resting. I started a new routine in the mornings, I wake up and pick up the house, make the bed, do any random dishes from Dan's breakfast and I've even been doing small loads of laundry. I do chores for one hour, then put the kettle on and I start stretching. I make a tea, as it cools I continue to stretch and do floor exercises.

I've been able to paint two large canvases for my niece and nephew, which is VERY exciting! I lay in bed every day from 1-3, sometimes napping, other times just laying with my eyes closed (usually pinned by my cat). Dan has been joining me on evening walks. For the first time in weeks Danny had Saturday off, so yesterday morning Dan and I walked, and jogged from our house down and around the lake, then home. The entire trip was about 4 miles. I slogged a total of 1 mile (not consistently).

This morning Dan took me to the gym for the first time since the surgery. We spent a little under an hour, which is fantastic! Heading to the gym is a very big deal because the noise of the loud music, voices, weights clanging - the smells of cleaners, the bleach and vibrations of the cardio machines can be overwhelming at times, triggering auras. I have always been able to get out of the gym before it has turned into a seizure but it's still very scary. Today though, it was a complete success! We worked out on the cardio machine, we did weights and I even went into the woman's locker room to weigh myself without Dan's supervision (I can be overwhelmed at times doing things alone without Dan or someone in case of a seizure).

I feel like I'm focusing on resting, and utilizing my energy for physical activity which is integral for my improvement. I appreciate your patience with emails, texts, phone calls and Facebook stuff. I'm still not back, and at this point in emails alone I have over 75+ legitimate emails that I have yet to respond to. I love all of my friends and family so much, and I'm sorry I'm not a good friend these days. I don't know how long it's going to take me to get caught up, and I'm sorry for that! It's probably going to take a very long time. I probably also won't be up for social stuff, even walks or runs for a bit. It's amazing how tired I am after a normal day, for now I just need to remember that I'm healing and I need to get into a normal routine, take it easy, and as soon as I'm able to get my life semi-back to the way it was, I can start getting social :) I think, initially, I jumped out of the gate running and it was a mistake. I'm fixing it though :)

I love you all, so much. I'm sorry to those of you who I have yet email back, etc. I appreciate the patience.

Tuesday afternoon I have a phone call with my NYC doctor. He will review my surgery notes, my blood work, and my overall health to see if I'm a viable candidate for dendritic cell therapy in Germany. I'm excited, and nervous. My stomach is full of butterflies. Not much rest for the weary :)

This therapy could help clean up residual tumor (the invisible cells) and teach my body to recognize tumor cells as the enemy for the future. To train my body to seek out and rid my body of cancer cells would be AWESOME!! Fingers crossed that the appointment goes well. I'm also grateful that I'm able to discuss my situation over the phone with my doctor, that I don't have to travel. Lots to be thankful about.

On The Up & Up

Things are getting better, I just have to get out of my head. I'm not sure if that makes sense. The seizure issue, for me personally, is a mind game. I can easily work myself up into a very fearful state, or I can calmly remind myself that I'm doing fine, that I'm just overheated, maybe it's very sunny, that my heart rate is up because of the conditions, not because I'm about to have a seizure.

I'm getting to the point where I feel "normal" and much more strong physically, and mentally. I still have fear, but Dan and I have been working on pushing my limits. I went for a walk with my friend Lauren the other day, Dan and I made it to PCC and Home Depot (both driving), and Dan and I have even gone running a couple of times. It might sound silly, but each time I'm out of the house is a major success. I'm excited to try and get out of the house on my own. I bet the first time I do anything will be a run around the neighborhood. So far, running has been my rock. It removes anxiety, gives me strength physically, and emotionally. It puts me back to my roots, grounds me, and empowers me. The florescent lights of the real world, the sirens and traffic, all give me (and probably a lot of people) anxiety, but when I'm out breathing fresh air, eying the various plants, birds, random pets, and vibrant people out there, I always end up smiling and feeling human, alive, happy, and grateful. I should clarify, normally, when I don't have seizure activity I am absolutely fine with sounds, bright lights, hectic situations or life in general, but when I'm on overload I have to be really careful.

Thank you for your patience as I've been horrible about emailing people back, and posting on the blog. I've definitely had a lot on my mind, not just with the attack, the landlords, and seizure stuff, I'm also incredibly nervous about the future brain surgery. The first brain surgery was not an option so I felt like I could just accept my fate, and release all (or most) of my fear. This time, this brain surgery, is optional. That is intense! What if something goes horribly wrong? It would be my fault for subjecting myself. Dan emailed Dr. Liau to see if she would prefer that I get on anti-seizure medicine for the surgery. I hated taking it last year, but if it will eliminate a complication, I will do it. I will do anything in my power to eliminate all complications. I want to get in tip-top shape, create a cancer fighting, surgery healing machine. My goal is to be running 3-4 days a week, weight lifting 2-3 days a week, and doing yoga 2-3 times a week for at least a month before surgery. It might sound excessive, but I'm not as intense in the workouts as you might imagine :) It's mostly a stress reliever, and the more you work out the more fun food you can eat :)

I've added delicious food to our diet, lots of legumes, whole grains and of course the usual veggies and lean meats. The difference, is that I'm playing around with new recipes. Tomorrow night I'm making a spinach burrito. It includes sauteed spinach, onion, and bell pepper then of course, a mix between black and pinto beans (seasoned with hot sauce), then long grain black rice (seasoned with cumin & a little turmeric), with chopped green onions, chopped romaine lettuce, and shredded sheep cheese - you wrap it all up in a whole grain tortilla and it's DELICIOUS. And it's much more fun than the typical salad and steamed/grilled veggies that I usually make us. With all of the stress in our lives right now, I'm enjoying the relaxation of food rules. Life, literally, is too short to get crazy about maximizing the nutrient content. Keeping everything in the whole foods, or whole ingredient, category is good enough for me these days. So what if a whole grain tortilla is technically processed. I'm over it. It's still whole grain (of course, you still have to read the ingredients to make sure there's nothing funky), sprouted spelt tortillas are my fav. Some may disagree, but I do believe that there are some processed foods that aren't that bad for you.

Photo of the day taken last Friday...I have a new buddy, and I keep feeding him which is strengthening our bond....