On The Up & Up

Things are getting better, I just have to get out of my head. I'm not sure if that makes sense. The seizure issue, for me personally, is a mind game. I can easily work myself up into a very fearful state, or I can calmly remind myself that I'm doing fine, that I'm just overheated, maybe it's very sunny, that my heart rate is up because of the conditions, not because I'm about to have a seizure.

I'm getting to the point where I feel "normal" and much more strong physically, and mentally. I still have fear, but Dan and I have been working on pushing my limits. I went for a walk with my friend Lauren the other day, Dan and I made it to PCC and Home Depot (both driving), and Dan and I have even gone running a couple of times. It might sound silly, but each time I'm out of the house is a major success. I'm excited to try and get out of the house on my own. I bet the first time I do anything will be a run around the neighborhood. So far, running has been my rock. It removes anxiety, gives me strength physically, and emotionally. It puts me back to my roots, grounds me, and empowers me. The florescent lights of the real world, the sirens and traffic, all give me (and probably a lot of people) anxiety, but when I'm out breathing fresh air, eying the various plants, birds, random pets, and vibrant people out there, I always end up smiling and feeling human, alive, happy, and grateful. I should clarify, normally, when I don't have seizure activity I am absolutely fine with sounds, bright lights, hectic situations or life in general, but when I'm on overload I have to be really careful.

Thank you for your patience as I've been horrible about emailing people back, and posting on the blog. I've definitely had a lot on my mind, not just with the attack, the landlords, and seizure stuff, I'm also incredibly nervous about the future brain surgery. The first brain surgery was not an option so I felt like I could just accept my fate, and release all (or most) of my fear. This time, this brain surgery, is optional. That is intense! What if something goes horribly wrong? It would be my fault for subjecting myself. Dan emailed Dr. Liau to see if she would prefer that I get on anti-seizure medicine for the surgery. I hated taking it last year, but if it will eliminate a complication, I will do it. I will do anything in my power to eliminate all complications. I want to get in tip-top shape, create a cancer fighting, surgery healing machine. My goal is to be running 3-4 days a week, weight lifting 2-3 days a week, and doing yoga 2-3 times a week for at least a month before surgery. It might sound excessive, but I'm not as intense in the workouts as you might imagine :) It's mostly a stress reliever, and the more you work out the more fun food you can eat :)

I've added delicious food to our diet, lots of legumes, whole grains and of course the usual veggies and lean meats. The difference, is that I'm playing around with new recipes. Tomorrow night I'm making a spinach burrito. It includes sauteed spinach, onion, and bell pepper then of course, a mix between black and pinto beans (seasoned with hot sauce), then long grain black rice (seasoned with cumin & a little turmeric), with chopped green onions, chopped romaine lettuce, and shredded sheep cheese - you wrap it all up in a whole grain tortilla and it's DELICIOUS. And it's much more fun than the typical salad and steamed/grilled veggies that I usually make us. With all of the stress in our lives right now, I'm enjoying the relaxation of food rules. Life, literally, is too short to get crazy about maximizing the nutrient content. Keeping everything in the whole foods, or whole ingredient, category is good enough for me these days. So what if a whole grain tortilla is technically processed. I'm over it. It's still whole grain (of course, you still have to read the ingredients to make sure there's nothing funky), sprouted spelt tortillas are my fav. Some may disagree, but I do believe that there are some processed foods that aren't that bad for you.

Photo of the day taken last Friday...I have a new buddy, and I keep feeding him which is strengthening our bond....

Too Much Yoga

I over did it. Too much yoga. I am so sore I can hardly toss my legs off the bed, or get up from the couch. I need a hot tub, or even a bath tub. For now I'm just going to be grateful for a hot shower and a space heater in the bathroom.

I'm realizing that I have to fight my nature to over do it. I'm too tired to even think. I just want to do it all.

Catching Endorphins

 Danny just cooked me my favorite dish, steamed broccoli. I was going to do it myself, but Danny panicked when he saw me cutting towards myself.  I should remember that trick in the future when I don't want to cook...ha ha ha!

Today, I made it to the 10:15am yoga class, and it was so much fun that I went back and did the 6:45pm class too! Just like cookies, you can't have just one. When Danny and I were driving toward the gym (both times today) I was really dreading the class, but I made it through the front door. I don't know why I was so nervous the second time, already knew what to expect because the same instructor teaches both classes and she was awesome! And, at the night class I had friends to join me - Megan and Sarah. Yet, still, I was slouching down in my seat as I neared the turnoff. I'm serious, I honestly almost sent a text to the girls to tell them that I wasn't going to make it, but then it seemed like a real jerk move, like breaking up with someone over text, or on a message machine, so I plugged through and put one foot in front of the other and made it into the gym door. By the end of the class I was back to being bubbly and full of energy! But good grief I am out of shape!! I may be paying for the double workout tomorrow, but it feels so good, like I'm coming out of hibernation.

I love the gym. There's all different levels of fitness, all different types of hard bodies, and soft bodies, but we're all working toward the same goal of taking care of our bodies and minds. Today at the gym, I received more eye contact, and more smiles from strangers than any other place in public this whole time (although I guess technically the gym is private since you have to be a member - but you know what I mean). Once you put on your gym shoes and walk through that front door, you're just another person trying to catch a few endorphins. Simple as that. It's a community within a community.

Bunny Happy Hour

I'm embarrassed. I've been cranky and negative. The worst part is that I've been feeling sorry for myself. That's embarrassing! It's not about the tumor, it's about how the tumor has effected my life. I miss running, I miss being active, I miss driving, I miss having hair, I miss my pants fitting, blah blah blah. I've been mourning my life, and now I'm fed up of my own whining.

Soooooo, I wrote down all the yoga classes at my gym and I'm going to start doing yoga. Yay! I'm waiting to get cleared for some more active exercising, but at least this has to start somewhere. I'm not going to lie, it's hard to hold back because I miss getting the runner's high, but I have to start doing something or I'll start kicking puppies.

By the way, I have some very good news. Danny and I sat on the patio at the warehouse apartment and watched stars two nights ago. Apparently, happy hour for bunnies is just after dusk. It is a cotton tail paradise all over our back parking area, big bunnies, little bunnies, bunnies doing indos and stoppies (like a little motorcycle that pops up on its front tire), the bunnies were going CRAZY! I knew there was something going on when I realized my plants were mysteriously losing their leaves. The Stewie clan is alive and well! To celebrate, I'm going to hit the plant store to buy a few of their favorite flavors!