Repenting

I was a very bad girl. I walked to PCC yesterday in the mist with Emma, we were on a hunt for healthy snacks, and a few regular groceries to keep the house running smoothly. As I was walking up and down the isle, I spotted a deal on LÄRABARS...my favorite plant based sweet treat. (I think the main ingredient is prunes.) Do you remember me mentioning my weakness for delicious things? That I have no self control? Well, I've been so good lately, and I really thought I could handle it, so I bought six bars for Dan's lunches. Dan has a sweet tooth like me, so I was trying to tempt him toward a healthy snack and away from peanut butter cups. Anyway, Emma and I walked home happily, as I sipped on MY treat, multi-green kombucha (I swear it's delicious).

When I made my way to the kitchen and unpacked the bags, I put the bars into Dan's snack area, but within a few hours I could hear Lara, telling me how delicious her bars are. I ATE THREE OF THEM. Back to back. In my defense, they're small. But still! That's what I mean about not being trustworthy. It's embarrassing. When Dan got home from class I had to tell him what I did, and beg him to put the rest of the bars in his lunch bag. I can not be trusted. I have no self control. God they were good though :) Yummy!

I repented with a fresh kale juice this morning though. I guess that's something :)
(I would include the recipe, but it should never be repeated. I drank it though. Because I was a bad girl.)

By the way, how did I not remember that kale is from the brassica family? So great to fight brain cancer! I'm slacking. I was Googling the benefits of kale juice and was reminded (I usually add it to my smoothies in the morning too). Anyway, all in all, I'm not freaking out about the coconut cream pie, chocolate chip cookie dough, or chocolate coconut chew it was so delicious, soooooo good. That's the worst thing I've eaten in two weeks. Not bad. But still, I am reminded, I can't have it in the house. I'll be relishing the flavor of those three bars for awhile though. Fond memories :)

Roasted Chicken Recipe

I've been nesting these past few days, cooking up a storm and ferociously cleaning. It's no surprise, really, the sun has been poking out lately and the sun is rising at 6:00 am - for me, the amount of sunlight during the day is directly related to energy levels :) The good thing about Seattle, is that we see the sun and immediately get to doing something. The sun is like an 'on' button. It's also driving me crazy, causing a deep itch to plant my dahlia tubers - I won't, I know it's waaaay too soon, but man, this is a serious challenge in patience.

I have another fun recipe, it's my take on a roasted chicken. It's crazy easy, too. Only five ingredients.

I need to mention, although I don't state it each time (although I probably should) we only purchase grass fed free range organic meat (everything - beef, chicken, lamb, etc.), buying from farms/butchers that we know of and trust. We can't control every piece of meat that we put in our mouths, like eating at a friend's house or something, but as for our household, I figure the price is worth the value. Animals are naturally supposed to eat grass, not corn. Animals that eat grass are much higher in omega-3 fats instead of the corn fed which are high in omega-6. It's just a personal preference, not only for the nutritional properties, but also for humane reasons. I've mentioned this before, but I want to eat happy, healthy animals that have had fun in the fields before they came to my kitchen. Maybe it's morbid, but I like to think that it's supportive to their lifestyle. As far as livestock, those guys are the lucky ones. I guess I didn't really need to mention the whole thing, but if it makes even one person consider a switch, I'd be pretty excited. :)

So, onto the recipe......

Jess's Lemon Garlic Pesto Roasted Chicken

Ingredients:
1 whole chicken
1 large lemon
3 tbsp fresh ground dried garlic (pure is best - no salt)
2 tbsp fresh ground pepper
4 tbsp pesto

1. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Remove the innards of the chicken. (Some people cook them up for their dog. I didn't. I didn't want to risk any 'accidents' if you know what I mean.) Rinse the whole chicken, and cut any loose hanging skin around the hole (I don't know what to call that area). Cut the lemon in half. Mix the garlic powder and ground pepper in a small dish.

2. Place the two halves of the lemon inside the, um, 'cavity'? I wanted to say bum, but cavity is probably more appropriate ;)

3. Take a tablespoon of pesto and spread it under the skin of one breast, then do the same thing to the other breast. Use the remaining two tablespoons of pesto and spread it all over the chicken (top, and legs - don't get too low on the sides or it will just drip off while cooking).

4. Shake/sprinkle/spread the garlic and pepper seasoning all over the chicken. Cover the chicken with aluminum, making a tent so that the two don't touch. I move the oven rack down one wrung, so it's just below the middle, then place the little bird into the heated oven. Cook it covered in the 375 degree heat for 80 minutes. Then remove the aluminum foil and put the chicken back in the oven for 20 more minutes - that makes the skin crunchy.

5. Eat. Yummy!!!

I'm not great at cleaning the meat off of bones, but for the first time I don't have to feel bad about it because I'm making my own broth with the bones and drippings. We'll see how it goes :) I'm excited to have a homemade broth to keep in the freezer for an easy dinner in a pinch - just toss in some veggies at the last minute. My own broth? Who am I turning into? An adult? Jeez.

One more thing. You might notice that I didn't include any butter, olive oil, or salt. I promise, you won't even notice. If you have fresh ground garlic (We're lucky because we have a huge organic bulk section at PCC.), the flavor is so delicious and flavorful, you won't miss the salt.

On The Up & Up

Things are getting better, I just have to get out of my head. I'm not sure if that makes sense. The seizure issue, for me personally, is a mind game. I can easily work myself up into a very fearful state, or I can calmly remind myself that I'm doing fine, that I'm just overheated, maybe it's very sunny, that my heart rate is up because of the conditions, not because I'm about to have a seizure.

I'm getting to the point where I feel "normal" and much more strong physically, and mentally. I still have fear, but Dan and I have been working on pushing my limits. I went for a walk with my friend Lauren the other day, Dan and I made it to PCC and Home Depot (both driving), and Dan and I have even gone running a couple of times. It might sound silly, but each time I'm out of the house is a major success. I'm excited to try and get out of the house on my own. I bet the first time I do anything will be a run around the neighborhood. So far, running has been my rock. It removes anxiety, gives me strength physically, and emotionally. It puts me back to my roots, grounds me, and empowers me. The florescent lights of the real world, the sirens and traffic, all give me (and probably a lot of people) anxiety, but when I'm out breathing fresh air, eying the various plants, birds, random pets, and vibrant people out there, I always end up smiling and feeling human, alive, happy, and grateful. I should clarify, normally, when I don't have seizure activity I am absolutely fine with sounds, bright lights, hectic situations or life in general, but when I'm on overload I have to be really careful.

Thank you for your patience as I've been horrible about emailing people back, and posting on the blog. I've definitely had a lot on my mind, not just with the attack, the landlords, and seizure stuff, I'm also incredibly nervous about the future brain surgery. The first brain surgery was not an option so I felt like I could just accept my fate, and release all (or most) of my fear. This time, this brain surgery, is optional. That is intense! What if something goes horribly wrong? It would be my fault for subjecting myself. Dan emailed Dr. Liau to see if she would prefer that I get on anti-seizure medicine for the surgery. I hated taking it last year, but if it will eliminate a complication, I will do it. I will do anything in my power to eliminate all complications. I want to get in tip-top shape, create a cancer fighting, surgery healing machine. My goal is to be running 3-4 days a week, weight lifting 2-3 days a week, and doing yoga 2-3 times a week for at least a month before surgery. It might sound excessive, but I'm not as intense in the workouts as you might imagine :) It's mostly a stress reliever, and the more you work out the more fun food you can eat :)

I've added delicious food to our diet, lots of legumes, whole grains and of course the usual veggies and lean meats. The difference, is that I'm playing around with new recipes. Tomorrow night I'm making a spinach burrito. It includes sauteed spinach, onion, and bell pepper then of course, a mix between black and pinto beans (seasoned with hot sauce), then long grain black rice (seasoned with cumin & a little turmeric), with chopped green onions, chopped romaine lettuce, and shredded sheep cheese - you wrap it all up in a whole grain tortilla and it's DELICIOUS. And it's much more fun than the typical salad and steamed/grilled veggies that I usually make us. With all of the stress in our lives right now, I'm enjoying the relaxation of food rules. Life, literally, is too short to get crazy about maximizing the nutrient content. Keeping everything in the whole foods, or whole ingredient, category is good enough for me these days. So what if a whole grain tortilla is technically processed. I'm over it. It's still whole grain (of course, you still have to read the ingredients to make sure there's nothing funky), sprouted spelt tortillas are my fav. Some may disagree, but I do believe that there are some processed foods that aren't that bad for you.

Photo of the day taken last Friday...I have a new buddy, and I keep feeding him which is strengthening our bond....

Hood Canal

I'm so happy to be alive. Literally. I think about it all the time, several times a day. Life is so much fun, there's so much to do and experience. This weekend, Dan and I headed to our buddy Burke's cabin to do some clam digging, oyster shucking and mussel grilling. It was amazing! I'm so fortunate to do so many wonderful things. I might be fighting a serious cancer, but I'm also just a girl that wants to hang with her friends, BBQ seafood, play with her dog, and laugh hysterically. It rained a bit, then the sun came out. It was gorgeous. That's the thing about the northwest, the weather shifts often, and it's all beautiful. I love it here. 

On another note, my parents have been struggling to find a way to help me. Of course, I had no idea how terrified they are, or how helpless they sometimes feel. They're incredibly good at hiding their feelings, sheltering me from the worry. So, anyway, they got to thinking, and they figured that the biggest stressor in my life is money. I'm constantly having to avoid expensive treatments (like extra IVs), and I'm always weighing treatment options by cost. To try and alleviate the stress in my life, my parents are doing a fundraiser. They have purchased a truckload of organic cherries and they're going to be selling them in West Seattle this Thursday morning (the 28th), and then they're headed to the Green Lake area in the afternoon. Next, they'll be headed to Friday Harbor for the weekend.

I don't have all of the information, in fact, I don't even know what type of organic cherries they're selling, but I'll get all of the information and create a post soon. One thing that I DO know is that they're selling them for $4.99 a pound which is much cheaper than PCC (they sell them for $6.99/lb). It's a great deal, and it would be helping me fund my medical bills - including possible dendritic cell therapy - if we raise the money, I would have no reason not to get this amazing treatment. Anyway, just wanted to throw the basics out there. I'll put more information again soon. Hope you all had a wonderful weekend!

One more thing...how amazing are my parents? Pretty flipping amazing.

Pure Exhaustion

Good morning...eer, afternoon. I just woke up from my second nap of the day. I feel like I'm sleeping my life away. I'm just so exhausted all the time. Somehow, I feel like I've been sleeping for the past two weeks. Yesterday, Dan and I forced ourselves to jog Green Lake, then I went in for a shower and a nap. I'm recovering nicely from the over dosing of artemisinin, my only complaint is the lack of energy. Hopefully there's a nice cleanup crew working overtime on my brain cancer cells. Sometimes I picture a bunch of little teeny tiny happy, yet serious, bubbles with little scrubbing brushes rubbing each cancer cell until they're so shiny that they pop and two other little cleaning fellas sweep the rubbish into dust pans.

Man. I'm so sleepy. You'd think that after sleeping 10 hours last night, then a three hour nap this morning, and then a four and a half hour nap this afternoon, I'd be revving to go. No such luck. I'm going to pull my running pants up over my feet, toss a shirt over my head, grab Dan and jog Green Lake again. It's the only thing that makes me feel alive these days. That, and when Danny makes me laugh. I'm grateful for him. He always makes me feel happy.

Here's a random picture of my favorite tree around Green Lake. It lives on Winona, on the way to PCC. It's beautiful, and I'm pretty sure that I'm not the only one who's in love with it.

Baptized by Nature

Where has the day gone?! Oh well.

I am so happy! I just had enough energy to run around the lake and swing by PCC to get essentials to finish today's treatment. Good lord that felt amazing. It's misting outside, and as I ran, the rain on my face felt like I was being baptized by nature. It was beautiful. For a moment, it cleansed me of my fears, and absolved me. It was glorious.

Now it's time to do what I've been putting off.....the curcumin & piperine, followed by the sulforphane drink. Here's the first step....yummy....

Warning: Graphic

Well. I did it. I went in for the "little" procedure to remove the rest of my naughty mole that wanted to turn into cancer. I kept my chin up and tried my best to joke with the DR & the assistant, telling them how bummed I am that they're working on my smaller breast. They laughed with me, and kept the mood light. I made it through the numbing (which they warned me would cause my heart rate to increase), it took three shots of numbing stuff, and soon, we were on our way. As soon as they started cutting, I could feel tugging, and snipping. All of a sudden, as I was trying my best to power through, my hands got really sweaty, and a wave of nausea came over me and I knew I was having an aura.

I tried to keep calm, knowing that freaking out makes the seizures come on faster, exactly what you're trying to avoid in that moment. My parents were out in the waiting room with my purse where I keep my pre-seizure pills which efficiently stop the auras from turning into a full blown grand mal. I quickly said, "Guys, can you stop. I'm having an aura, I need water now - cold water - and I have a pre-seizure pill in my purse in the waiting room. I need it. Please go get it. RUN." It was so scary. The assistant ran to the waiting room and grabbed my purse from my mom. In the meantime, the DR soothed me, helping me drink the cool water. When the assistant arrived back in the room, he took out two pills and I placed them under my tongue, waiting for them to dissolve. In the meantime, I practiced deep breathing, and the boys calmed me down by discussing puppies. They were serious heros, so kind.

I made it through the rest of the procedure which lasted about 45 more minutes of cutting, tugging, and then two different strands of stitches, both inside and out. They separated the skin from the tissue and pulled them together, yanking, and that might have been the worst part. That or the cauterizing - one of the places they cauterized I felt a deep burn. Ouch. I honestly had no idea what I was getting into. I thought this was going to be more routine. I've learned that I can not handle awake procedures. Next time I'm going to have to tell the DR that they need to put me asleep or something.

Even yesterday, and this morning, I'm feeling completely nauseous, and ill. I feel very vulnerable for seizures right now. I can't explain it. It's just a feeling that I get. That's why I didn't blog yesterday. I'm trying to take it easy.

It will be one week before I can get my heart rate up, so I guess it'll be easy to keep things light and simple. I'm dying to run through. That always makes me feel better. When I get to the seventh day, I think I'll be like a race horse just bursting through the gates.

I emailed back and forth with a friend recently and she told me to just listen to my heart and that I'll know when it's right for me to start driving. It is painfully obvious that I should not drive for a long time. I shouldn't even think about it. Although we had been clear for the past 5.5 months of little to no auras, this one was very severe. It is a miracle that we were able to stop the seizure. What a relief. I just need to focus on being healthy, exercising, eating right, sleeping well, and worry about things like driving later. I will not put other people in danger just because I want to go to Costco to save on Dave's Bread. Gotta keep things in perspective. I'm just grateful that I can walk to PCC. A few extra bucks to avoid running someone over is quite a deal!

Here's a few photos of my little missing mole. Sorry, it's totally gross, and pretty graphic, but this is a blog to share about my journey. Hope you aren't offended:

Hungry Girl

Good Morning World! I just walked into the kitchen, and passed by the flowers Dan sent me on our anniversary on the 20th. I've trimmed down the bunch and pulled out the fallen soldiers, and still, this little bunch powers through. These precious flowers have lasted 15 days. That seems like some sort of miracle, and each day, several times, I smile.

So, last night, Danny and I, after dinner decided that we're going to start a 36 hour fast. We figured it would be a great way to jump start the final days before the MRI. I have to tell on myself, we definitely ate some fun foods this past weekend, and drank some fun drinks. But, now we're back on track and working for ketosis. The fast was recommended by a friend through the blog, and we figured, "Why not!?" I hope Danny's functioning at work okay. I feel like it's harder for him to skip meals than it is for me. I'm hungry though, and that should be a sign that Dan's body must think he's dying :) 

Each morning, when I wake up, I turn on my phone and there is always a text from Dan. It can be something as simple as XOXOXO. Today, this is what it said, "Morning sweetness!!! Have a good day. I hope you don't get too hungry today :). My stomach is nervous, "Where's my morning snack?", "What's going on here?" I hope Danny doesn't mind that I shared his text (outing the world to his soft side), but I just thought it was so funny! What a great man that he optioned to join me on my fast. He's such a wonderful partner in crime!

I have to admit, I'm relieved to not have to plan for dinner. We are scarily low on veggies, I think we have a head of broccoli and that's it. Well, that and some garlic. Maybe I'll walk over to PCC and stock up, but I'm nervous. We all know what happens when a hungry girl goes to the grocery store. 

That reminds me, if any of you have recipes that follow the following guidelines, I always love suggestions!

Restrictions:

No dairy

No meat

No salt 

No flour

No sugar (not even natural sweeteners, only fruit is allowed)

No white potatoes

.....I hope I'm remembering all the do-not-eat foods.

Points For (in no particular order):

Mushrooms (double points for maitake & shiitake)

Onions 

Shallots

Garlic

Broccoli

Cauliflower 

Bok choy

Watercress

Kale

Spinach

Thanks for the help!