Slogged The Whole Lake!!

Dan and I just slogged the lake!!! We went through the blustery rain, a total of three miles in 45 minutes. A pace of just under 13 min mile. No stops.

I'm enjoying focusing on getting better. I have completely revamped my diet, back to its' normal state, along with restricting my calories by 30-40%. It is widely proven that a carbohydrate and calorically restricted diet helps starve tumors and cancer in general. If you calculate the proportions correctly with enough healthy fats and delicious protein, you have enough energy and tend to be satiated. Inevitably, there will be times when you're hungry, but hunger is not that big of a deal, just put water on to boil. Decaf teas of various flavors become your proverbial box of chocolates. And, they heat you up instantly, unlike the type warmth you get from candies (if you know what I mean).

Tomorrow I find out if I'm able to head to Germany for dendritic cell therapy....I'm so nervous!!

To distract, Dan and I decorated our Charlie Brown tree (that's Dan calls it anyway).

By the way, I still haven't gotten back into email or Facebook. It might be a bit. I'm starting with blogging and I'll continue to integrate slowly. I'm happy though, and very excited about how well things are progressing. I'm sleeping a lot, but that makes sense since I'm pushing myself quite a bit. YAY! I love pushing myself!!

Criminal Charges

Well, today is off to a great start! After playing tag with the Seattle assistant district attorney, she let me know that the city is in fact going to press charges in my attack case!! Apparently, the city receives over 200 new cases a week, and they were very clear from the start that there is no guarantee that charges would be pressed. This case has bounced around a bit, within the system, and I've had to give my statement several times. Each time it was hard, sad, and stirred quite a bit of emotions.

When I heard the news this morning, I thought I would be relieved, happy even, but instead I'm sad. The man who attacked me is married with four children. The oldest is 10 and the youngest is a set of infant twins. I did not intend to hurt his family, but in order to keep others safe I felt compelled to help the city press criminal charges. I know that this man has sexually accosted two other women, and he has become more and more aggressive. To attack a woman in her own home, working as her maintenance man, is incredibly brazen. This man should not be working in people's homes.

Anyway, I'm off to catch the bus for another counseling session. Alison is going to be THRILLED by this morning's news!!

Also, I included three photos from Saturday night. Throughout the night I was reminded of how wonderful our friends are. I am so glad that our buddy Eric got his job at the Blume Company, where he met Meghan who is married to Sean, who he then introduced to Dan, then Dan included me, and now Meghan and Sean have introduced us to all of THEIR friends, and Dan and I now have a huge network of fabulous buddies. There is no limit to the kindness of those around us, we are completely surrounded by love and support. And I know it's not just Seattle, it's Friday Harbor, Wenatchee, Poland, Sweden, and so many other places. Thank you! I am always grateful for all of the hugs and support. Especially with this upcoming clinical trail. I've been battling panic attacks, that's why I hadn't been posting lately. But, that's for another post, I've got to get running for the 358 or I'll be late!

The Pleasure of Being Alive

I'm on hold with Jet Blue, figuring out flights. I still don't know when I'll be able to fly back home, but I'm paying for refundable tickets so it should all work out. I booked different flights for Dan already too, and that makes me really happy :) Dan's taking some time off for the surgery and recovery. It's a huge relief that Dan will be with me. He makes me laugh, nurtures me, and puts me at ease. I don't know if you guys remember, but after the last brain surgery, Dan would scoop me up and put me into a bubble bath. He would gently shave my legs and armpits. He coordinated over 80 pills daily, all of them falling at different intervals, even through the night. Dan did not sleep unless I slept, and even then he was so worried about me that he would be taking care of things around the house like food, or laundry, or just laying there softly cuddling me. I never thought I would be as lucky as I am. I never thought I could love someone this much. He's the most gentle and kind human I have ever met. He's amazing. This whole thing is crazy, but I'm becoming more and more ready, not only with the planning but also emotionally.

This is an amazing opportunity. It's the treatment that I wanted, with the best results. Originally, I was going to fly to Germany and do the same treatment. The only difference is that they were going to try and use my old tumor tissue, the one from 2.5 years ago. The problem is that the tumor tissue can morph. So, to have the best success rate you need the freshest tumor tissue. This clinical trial fell into my lap. It landed via email from my brain tumor fighting buddy Jessica. I had written off the trial because I thought that I had to do chemotherapy or radiation - or both - in order to participate. And now, here I am, I'm included in the trial, with the possibility of the absolute best results (I've read that the German treatment is 20% less successful). This trial does not come without costs. There's the cost of the brain surgery, hospital stay, all the medications, all of the scans (MRI, fMRI & DopaPET), all of the testing (pre-surgery language tests, cognitive tests, & surgery clearance), in fact I can't even think of all the costs at this point. The only thing that is free is the actual dendritic cell shots, of which there will be three. And, above the financials, there's the physical cost. We will not know the true amount until after the brain surgery has commenced. I won't feel comfortable until at least 48 hours after the surgery. Last time, I was fine when I came out of surgery, but within 24 hours I started to deteriorate. That's when my duramater peeled from my skull and a blood clot formed in the tumor cavity, and that's why I had to have a second emergency brain surgery. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I won't have the same complications, or any complications for that matter!

I have to run out the door, literally, to a hair appointment. My final trim and tint before the surgery. I'm opting to keep my hair, although they have to shave it in certain areas. I'm hoping to do a Donald Trump comb over :) We'll see how THAT looks. I might get sick of the crusty blood in my hair and the scab could prove difficult in that birds nest, but it's worth a shot. Yes, hair does grow back but unless you've shaved your head you don't understand what it's like to be bald and to deal with the horrible phases of grow-out. It's something I'd rather not experience again. I probably sound silly, but there are things that you can control, and there are things that you cannot. I like to control my hair. I like having the option of wearing it curly, or straightening it, either way at least it's there :)

Could you guys do me a favor? Could you please, after you read this, choose to go for a walk, or a jog, or do a push up, take the stairs, park further away from your destination, and then take a moment to thank your legs, your feet, and your body. After the brain surgery I will not be able to run for quite awhile. I will not be able to get my heart rate going or it will cause headaches and such. It will take time for me to heal, to ride a bike, to hike a hill, to push myself. Over the past 24 hours I've ran 14.5 miles because I'm so grateful to have the option. I've been jogging around the lake, the neighborhoods, like a complete goober smiling at the dog down the street, and his neighbor the calico cat whom I respectfully named the mayor of Green Lake. I'm breathing deeply, enjoying the pain in my muscles, soaking up life. Please join me by doing something that gets your heart going. Please take a moment to thank your body. Please take a moment to truly enjoy being alive.

Moving Out

Sorry I'm still not back to a regular posting schedule. Last Thursday, the counseling session was fantastic, and it prepared me emotionally for the appointment later in the day with the detective. The therapist helped me put the whole attack in perspective. I cried a good deal, and was able to discuss not only the attack, but also, all of the stress involved with our landlords. Unfortunately, we have to move. It has all been pretty unexpected, but step by step, it has become more and more uncomfortable to live here. All Danny and I want is a safe and happy home where we can focus on being healthy. We are moving out tomorrow. Each step of the way, dealing with our landlords, has been painful and sad. I wish I could say everything horrible that they've done, but I feel like it would be an ugly decision for me to make. There's no need for me to drag their names through the mud. They know what they've done, and how they've acted, and I'm not going to be able to teach them a lesson about kindness, empathy, or anything else. If there's one thing that I feel certain about, it's that you can't teach anyone anything. You can only be yourself, be honest, stand up for yourself, and avoid unnecessary stress/drama whenever possible.

Speaking of stress and drama, we've got only the good kind for the next two days. My parents will be here tonight, and we'll be packing today, then tomorrow we move out and into our new home. I have another counseling session tomorrow night, and I know that it will help me continue to heal. I feel like things are getting better and better. I feel relieved to get the therapy I need, the promise of a safe home with new landlords, time to heal and gain strength so that I can focus on  preparing for the clinical trial.

I need to be strong physically, mentally and emotionally. I must feel confident, yet relaxed and ready to conquer the world if I'm going to successfully undergo another brain surgery. For now I'm happy to I have the time to get back to walking the lake, then jogging the lake, focus on eating healthy, trying new recipes, stretching my limbs with yoga, and enjoying each moment of my amazing life. I'm so lucky, and happy to be alive. Even when things are tough, I'm still grateful to be breathing. Over the past few weeks, even at the lowest point, although I was scared, I just hoped and hoped that things would just get better. I day dreamed of jogging the lake, of laughing with friends, of walking to the grocery store and enjoying the little things of my daily life. All of those hopes, all of the wishing, culminated on Saturday night at our friends Laura & Eric's wedding. Finally, Dan and I were able to laugh, dance, visit with friends, enjoy the gorgeous day, the fresh air, the beautiful faces and happiness of their family and friends. It was perfect. Weddings are so much fun, especially when they're for people you love. Over the course of Saturday night I became more and more confident that Dan and I are going to pull through any hard times. I remembered that life isn't about the big things (cancer, the attack, the landlords, etc.), it's about hugs, laughter, stories, dancing, and love.

Message from Dan

Hello everyone, this is Dan

Since Jess was attacked on Tuesday, she has been dealing with a incredible amount of stress inducing situations. She has been dealing with; getting our locks changed, working with police officers and detectives on the pending criminal case of her attacker, scheduling her recently approved tests with UCLA to possibly start her clinical trial, scheduling her travel itinerary to UCLA, all the while going through the process of dealing with her attack.

Due to all this stress Jess had an aura on Thursday, followed by another on Friday. The two Auras happened while shopping for replacement items for the bathroom in an attempt to change the decor. All this has lead to me declaring a technological lock down and putting Jess on 'restriction'. She will not be allowed to blog, text or email until her level of stress has sufficiently decreased. Please do not take her lack of correspondence personally, it is a necessary action to preserve her health.

Jessica is extremely worn down and needs to let her body rejuvenate itself. I will be postponing her appointments at UCLA for one week. Hopefully this will give her enough time to start healing and speak to the detective handling the criminal case of her attacker on Friday.

Thank you for all of your support and sympathy for Jess, she will be back soon. Probably sooner then I wish.

Attack

Yesterday I was attacked in my shower by my maintenance man. I am terrified. The police are involved. I might not blog for a bit. Thank you for understanding.

To Knife or Not To Knife

Yesterday, I walked a couple of loops around Green Lake with my friend Lauren. On the way to meet her (she lives in Green Lake like me so we meet half way), I saw this gorgeous dahlia. I mean, I think it's a dahlia. It was misting, and every plant had mother nature's glitter. It was a beautiful morning, a great day to be alive, to be healthy, to be able to walk and explore and laugh and talk. The possibility of another brain surgery reminds me of all the trials I worked through before. The first two brain surgeries were incredibly hard on me, and the recovery for months and months and months were horribly trying. But, I got through it. At times I didn't know if I'd get better. I didn't know if I would ever get my speech back together, find the words that I wanted to communicate with, my phonetics and word finding were in pieces. I didn't know if I would ever read again, or once I was able to slowly read aloud, like a child just beginning, I didn't know if I would ever be able to understand those words.

Any fears I might have about undergoing another brain surgery are definitely founded, but it still shouldn't hinder me from moving forward with a successful treatment. I used this analogy with a friend yesterday when she was picking up her cherries (thank you!), I want to hit Herman with a firing range. I want an arsenal to beat this tumor, hit him from all angles, give him no reprieve. Technically, according to the research, it's possible to cure my type of tumor in rats with various high dose supplements, and of course, our friends have already stopped theirs. But, I haven't been able to ingest the amounts that are necessary for killing doses like my friends did. We think that we're winning the fight, that the smaller amounts that I take might be holding Hermie at bay, or perhaps even reversing some of his growth, but the MRIs have not been definitive. In fact, my oncologists, and the radiologists, believe that Herman has continued to grow progressively. In order for me to be comfortable, I need to see more serious results.

At this point I take 29 pills in the morning, 24 pills in the afternoon, 48 pills in the early evening, 8 pills shortly after that, and finally before bed I take 6 pills. Most of them must be taken with whole milk so I'm tethered to a refrigerator. It's exhausting to keep up on the schedule, and I'm sick from swallowing all the pills - not to mention the fact that I feel like a cow. Literally. I find that on most days I don't even leave the house. The supplements may take years to heal me, and I need to keep on them in order to stay in front of Hermie's growth, to hold him back. It's a lot of work. If I go through with this clinical trial I might be able to aide my immune system to fight Hermie on my own. My body might be able to clean up the tumor, and heal itself. I could still take the majority of supplements, or all of them if I so chose, as my immune system also went to work. It would be an arsenal against Mr Herm. What's better than that?!?!

I'm scared to do another brain surgery, I think I've made that blatantly clear, yet I'm excited for the possibility of a personalized tumor vaccine. The freshest tumor has the best chance for success, so the surgery truly is necessary to be the most effective. Bad things can happen during surgery, I'm proof of that, and I'm actually very fortunate because I recovered from most of the ill effects of my brain surgeries. Some are not as lucky. But, this treatment could also heal me. It's a gamble, and we won't know if I'm a winner unless I go through with it and see what happens.

Thank You!

My parents swung by our place at Green Lake a few hours ago, and they were beaming! They were blown away by the generosity. People not only bought cherries, but also donated. Above the money that they raised in West Seattle, they were moved deeply by all of the hugs and kisses they were given. If you haven't met my parents, they're incredibly loving and affectionate. I grew up with hugs and kisses all the time, especially before bed. My parents are loving and kind, ridiculous and funny, thoughtful and generous. I appreciate everyone giving them so much love and for making this fundraiser such a wonderful success! So thank you everyone, not only for purchasing cherries or for the donations, but also for giving them so much love!! Since I'm just their child at the epicenter of the cancer without of the privilege of understanding what it means to be a parent, I can not imagine what they're going through. So, thank you! Thank you so much!! We had no idea how much love we would be given, it's been a beautiful example of love and human kindness. Thank you!

To thank you for buying cherries and donating, AND for hugging my parents and giving them kiss after kiss, I am drinking two pints of my disgusting sprout drink. I figure that, if you guys can support me emotionally and financially, I can give all of my energy to my health, even when it's incredibly tough.

Truthfully, I wish you could smell how horrible this drink is, it's created from benzyl and phenyl sprouts. Misery loves company!



North Seattle Cherry Sales

Thank you Kelly for the awesome idea! New plan...after my parents finish selling cherries at Emma Schmitz Memorial Overlook Park in West Seattle from 11:00 am - 1:00 pm, they will drop off any pre-sold bags to my house in Green Lake for our North Seattle friends. You can pick them up Thursday evening (actually, any time after 3:00 pm), or anytime Friday throughout the day or evening. The cherries are $4.66/lb and the bags are 1.5 lbs each but we rounded up the penny for a final price of $7.00. So, if you're interested, please email me jessoldwyn@hotmail.com and we can set up a time for you to pick up the goodies whenever you're available.

Otherwise, if you're up in the San Juan Islands, you can pick up cherries in front of the Roche Harbor Grocery Store on Friday or Saturday from 11:00 am - 4:00 pm.

On another note, the photo below, and all of the other cherry shots on the blog have been "borrowed" from the internet. Our cherries are just now starting to be picked. Talk about fresh! :)

Hood Canal

I'm so happy to be alive. Literally. I think about it all the time, several times a day. Life is so much fun, there's so much to do and experience. This weekend, Dan and I headed to our buddy Burke's cabin to do some clam digging, oyster shucking and mussel grilling. It was amazing! I'm so fortunate to do so many wonderful things. I might be fighting a serious cancer, but I'm also just a girl that wants to hang with her friends, BBQ seafood, play with her dog, and laugh hysterically. It rained a bit, then the sun came out. It was gorgeous. That's the thing about the northwest, the weather shifts often, and it's all beautiful. I love it here. 

On another note, my parents have been struggling to find a way to help me. Of course, I had no idea how terrified they are, or how helpless they sometimes feel. They're incredibly good at hiding their feelings, sheltering me from the worry. So, anyway, they got to thinking, and they figured that the biggest stressor in my life is money. I'm constantly having to avoid expensive treatments (like extra IVs), and I'm always weighing treatment options by cost. To try and alleviate the stress in my life, my parents are doing a fundraiser. They have purchased a truckload of organic cherries and they're going to be selling them in West Seattle this Thursday morning (the 28th), and then they're headed to the Green Lake area in the afternoon. Next, they'll be headed to Friday Harbor for the weekend.

I don't have all of the information, in fact, I don't even know what type of organic cherries they're selling, but I'll get all of the information and create a post soon. One thing that I DO know is that they're selling them for $4.99 a pound which is much cheaper than PCC (they sell them for $6.99/lb). It's a great deal, and it would be helping me fund my medical bills - including possible dendritic cell therapy - if we raise the money, I would have no reason not to get this amazing treatment. Anyway, just wanted to throw the basics out there. I'll put more information again soon. Hope you all had a wonderful weekend!

One more thing...how amazing are my parents? Pretty flipping amazing.

Green Lake Gump

Great news. It looks like my oncologist's nurse is going to send over the necessary medical records to UCLA next week for application into the clinical trial. Wooo hoo! Somehow I feel like I'll need to follow up on that, but that's fine. As long as it gets done.

On another note, I would like to share an amazing herb that fights malignant gliomas (and ulcerative colitis, inflammatory bowel disease, asthma, arthritic, crohn's disease, breast cancer, and leukemia). I probably sound like a crazy advertisement, but I love sharing things that help! It's incredibly exciting because it's non-toxic, even in crazy high doses like 1,000 mg/kg. I've even found a study where rats were implanted with gliomas, then they fed them the boswellic acid at 120 mg/kg three times a day at eight hour increments. By day 14 the glioma had shrunk by 60%. SERIOUSLY. This boswellic acid lowers inflammation which is the environment that cancers thrive in. It's amazing! I'm very hopeful that I can get the same results. Here are a few links for my brain tumor fighters...

Boswellic acids and malignant glioma: induction of apoptosis but no modulation of drug sensitivity.

Boswellic acids inhibit glioma growth: a new treatment option?





The best part about the whole thing is that the company that makes the best quality is just a mile and a half from my house. I just jogged over there to pick up another bottle. AWESOME. This little Green Lake Gump runs all over her neighborhood to literally run her errands. It's so much fun. Choosing to avoid driving (by now it's legal for me to drive again after my seizure) has forced me to get out, get sweaty, get stinky, and gain perspective. I feel empowered.

Innately Healthy

I saw the most random sight today, my happy little turtles were hanging out with a heron. Pretty cute! I'm lucky to have such an amazing wildlife refuge right here in the city. It keeps me connected to the freshness of nature.

I took today off of my IV treatments. It's just so much money, and it exhausts me. So, instead, I started doing laundry, and fiddled around the house. I even went for a jog along green lake, stopping at a bench to rest and enjoy the outdoors. That's a first. Usually, I run from doorstep to doorstep. I always enjoy the view, but I never take the time to just sit. Just breathe. Just live.

I've been wondering lately, if maybe I'm in denial. Although I do a crazy amount of research, take a lot of pills, and focus so much on treating myself, I have to admit that in my heart of hearts I don't feel sick. I feel alive, and believe that my exhaustion is due to my treatments, not from my innate body.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm already cured. Is that weird? Is there a way that I'm supposed to handle a situation like this? How do you handle a silent monster growing in your brain?

Navigating, Always Navigating

On Friday, I was walking between doctor appointments and passed a bush of wild-ish roses. The smell was intoxicating. I find that since I don't drive, I notice so many beautiful things each day, things that I wouldn't have noticed if I was whizzing by in my car. It's a much slower pace of life, and it's a gift. 

I'm completely overwhelmed lately. I have a wonderful new primary care doctor, and a fabulous naturopath, but I'm still reeling from all of the information and reality of my new treatments. Suddenly, my cancer seems painfully undeniable. I've been galevanting around Green Lake, taking care of myself with the low doses of artemisinin and diet, and I thought that I was really fighting Herman, but compared to the other cancer patients that I'm meeting, there's so much more that I could do. That I have to do, and, all of a sudden I feel catipulted into the cancer world. Before, I realize, I had one foot in and one foot out.

There are so many treatment options, and I need to exhaust them all, all at the same time. In about an hour I'll jog to a bus stop. By jogging a couple of miles, I'll avoid having to take two more busses. I'll head to my naturopath's office to start the first high dose vitamin C IV. On Friday they had to draw blood to make sure that my body could handle all the things that they'll be injecting. I'm currently downing an intense sprout smoothie which should work synergistically with the IV treatment. It's all about timing and combining, so I'm adding various things to increase the effectiveness. It's enough to make a person crazy.

I've just finished ordering some various equipment to create our amazing chemo drink, and now I'm just trying to figure out what to do next. We have to start growing a sprout farm, literally, in our house because it takes several trays to create just one morning drink, and I'm supposed to drink it every day. And that's just the sprout drink, in the evening it's time for the chemo drink. Between those two creations, I'll be going back and fourth with the IVs (curcumin, vitamin C, resveratrol), supplements, and possibly the artemisinin (it should be synergistic according to my naturopath). Oh ya, and the fun part, I need to get a port surgically implanted into my chest for all of the IV treatments.

I'm trying to be cool, but I don't even know how to organize all of my treatments, the growing of the sprouts, the ordering of pills, the busses to treatments, the management of our household, aaaaaaaahhhhh, I'm going to spontaneously combust before I've even begun. 

Success!

Team E&J conquered two laps around Green Lake without walking. Woop woop!! Hermie still didn't listen very well, he's very obstinate, but I don't like whiners so he might just push all the wrong buttons and regret it.

Goin' for "Stable"

In the picture below, you'll notice more of Larry's fresh garlic. It's delicious, but my breath is ATROCIOUS. Luckily it's just Emma and I today, and bad breath is her favorite.

This morning, I woke up rested. I had the chance to debrief with Meghan over the phone last night. We laughed, and I cried a little bit, told her my fears, and if I heard correctly, I think she might have dropped a tear or two as well.

All in all, I feel like this is going to work; the low doses make me feel so good. Also, this protocol is great - absolutely doable. I enjoy having my last meal at 4:30 pm, then cleansing my body with only water until pill time at 8:30 pm. It takes a serious amount of discipline, but I enjoy the challenge. Oddly, it makes me feel strong. I like routine, things that I can count on. I like knowing that antioxidants are for breakfast and lunch, that every day is the same. There's no guessing, no worries, just the basics, every single day.

I'm scared to see growth, albeit minimal. I worry that somehow I won't beat this. I fear that I will continuously decline, and that this tumor will invade and take over my brain until I am no longer functioning. Those are my fears. And, if I look at the majority of cases, it's exactly what happens. BUT, I have stopped Herman's growth before, so I know that I can do this. I know that it can happen. AND, we did shrink the other areas of tumor. SO, who knows. We just have to stop Herman's growth. I'm happy - not thrilled, like I probably should be - that the other areas are smaller, but as long as Herman is growing, he's a major threat and that rains on my parade.

Herman needs to be taken seriously; he's a formidable adversary. So, here we go again, another three month period to conquer this challenge. Herman feels angry, like I've been trying to keep him down, and he's pissed. I just have to keep the low doses of artemisinin coming each night, tucking little Hermie to bed with my own version of a bedtime story.

It's weird to live like this. To be a functioning young-ish adult living with cancer. My life would not be as easy if I would have followed standard of care and done radiation, so I can be grateful for that. I can't imagine all the effects I would be dealing with. Yuck. At the doctor appointment, my mom asked when they would stop pushing for radiation, and the response was: I need to get two more MRIs with minimal growth to be considered "stable." At that point, hypothetically, I would have an entire year of minimal growth which would put the radiation discussion off the table. They would continue to monitor but not push for radiation. So there you go, that's our next goal. We not only want to stop growth, and have it shrink, we want the doctors to stop pushing radiation.

But, I'm getting ahead of myself. For now, I just need to go run green lake. My goal today is to jog two laps at once (without stopping), that adds up to be approximately 6 miles. I have never accomplished that feat before, but I need to challenge myself. Hermie and I need to have a run and a long talk. It's going to be wet, but I think Herms has pretty good hearing and can decipher my words through the wind and rain drops. He's already getting pouty. He knows he's in trouble.

Turtles Are Back!

As you can see in the photo attached, my favorite neighbors, the Green Lake turtles, are back. There's a specific log where they love to sunbathe. Each time I run the lake, I always look for signs of my green buddies. It's been months and months since they've shown their adorable faces. What a great omen! I've heard before that turtles symbolize longevity.

As Dan and I jogged the lake in the beautiful sunshine, we laughed and watched everyone stop, and pull out their phones to take photos of the turtles. We hugged and reminded ourselves how lucky we are. Life is truly good! Even though we can't help but be nervous about the MRI, we still recognize how healthy I am and what a wonderful life we live.

I remind myself, often, that this stage in my life is definitely going to be the easiest. My only problem in life is brain cancer. Someday I'll have the stress of working, parenting, and everything that comes with adulthood. For now, I just need to be healthy, find happiness in things around me, enjoy laughter with loved ones, and breathe deeply, inhaling the beauty of life. It's all so simple. Someday, soon hopefully, life won't be all about me and my needs and my survival. I can't wait to worry about the pitter-patter of little feet, or a career. That will be fun!

Pure Exhaustion

Good morning...eer, afternoon. I just woke up from my second nap of the day. I feel like I'm sleeping my life away. I'm just so exhausted all the time. Somehow, I feel like I've been sleeping for the past two weeks. Yesterday, Dan and I forced ourselves to jog Green Lake, then I went in for a shower and a nap. I'm recovering nicely from the over dosing of artemisinin, my only complaint is the lack of energy. Hopefully there's a nice cleanup crew working overtime on my brain cancer cells. Sometimes I picture a bunch of little teeny tiny happy, yet serious, bubbles with little scrubbing brushes rubbing each cancer cell until they're so shiny that they pop and two other little cleaning fellas sweep the rubbish into dust pans.

Man. I'm so sleepy. You'd think that after sleeping 10 hours last night, then a three hour nap this morning, and then a four and a half hour nap this afternoon, I'd be revving to go. No such luck. I'm going to pull my running pants up over my feet, toss a shirt over my head, grab Dan and jog Green Lake again. It's the only thing that makes me feel alive these days. That, and when Danny makes me laugh. I'm grateful for him. He always makes me feel happy.

Here's a random picture of my favorite tree around Green Lake. It lives on Winona, on the way to PCC. It's beautiful, and I'm pretty sure that I'm not the only one who's in love with it.

Life Is Precious

Sorry for the grainy photos. Dan and I were just walking, and passed a horrible, horrible accident on Green Lake Dr. It looks like they had to cut the person out of the car, through the roof. Man. That vision will sober you up quickly. Life is so precious. Those poor people were probably just headed home after a long day, after a long week, exhausted, probably excited to do something fun this weekend, maybe including some green - either a hike or a run or green beverages, who knows. Life is precious, and we never know what lays ahead.

The truck in the photo above was part of the accident. Lesson: Big vehicles are safer. Some people complain about gas guzzling trucks and SUVs, and yes, there's no argument that they aren't as good for the environment, but hey, when it comes to your life....

If you pray, please pray for them. How scary, and shocking for them. I wish things like this didn't happen.

Not Mutually Exclusive

Good morning world. I'm feeling wonderful after two consecutive days of napping. Yesterday I even napped twice. Today, apparently, I was still pretty pooped, I slept in until 10:00 am. That is a straight up miracle since I had been waking up in the six o'clock hour all week.

Danny and I have been hitting the weights pretty hard, keeping up with the running, and it's causing a delicious exhaustion of my body. It's a great feeling. It makes me feel so alive! Last Wednesday I did 90 squats with the weight bar bearing 5 lbs on each side. I don't know exactly how heavy that is, but it felt punishing. I probably sound weird, but it's thrilling to push my body. While exercising, I often flash back to the days in the ICU, and then the weeks, and months when I couldn't run or lift weights.

At the time when you're unable to push yourself for fears of seizures, or just flat out pressure on your brain, you feel like you may never get better, that you might not recover. Each time I get to push myself, each time I sprint in the final strides around Green Lake, I end up panting with deep breaths, elated, almost giddy at my abilities. I tell myself, as I wind down into a slow walk, "You just kicked ass!" There's something about really pushing your limits, and I think it's okay to fluff you own feathers. When you get off your butt and challenge your body, you should be proud! There's no shame in that.

It's Monday, so I'm back on my high doses of pills. Today, I thought I'd share exactly the brands that I use, and exactly the what the doses look like. It's 4 pills from each bottle, taken with a cup of whole organic milk. It's important to take the pills with whole milk because the pills are fat soluble.

I am writing this blog to share my experiences throughout my brain cancer journey, including my various treatments. My hope is to have step by step information to share with others who may find themselves in a similar position. I hope my new friend won't mind, but I'm very excited to share that I was contacted by the brother of a gentleman fighting a glioblastoma. He found my blog while trying to exhaust alternative treatments as he has already endured a brain surgery, radiation, chemotherapy, a second brain surgery and the placement of chemo wafers in the tumor cavity. His brother is a total badass cancer fighter. I shared with him more information about the past several months and what I've been doing. I realize that my blog isn't exactly easy to navigate, so I was ecstatic that he emailed with questions! I am so hopeful that my information might be helpful. This is my dream, to be contacted and help share what I've learned. It's FANTASTIC. I truly believe that we can beat these cancers, it's just a matter of varying the doses as we find what works best, and each body is different.

This treatment directly targets cancer cells while leaving healthy cells intact and unharmed. It's amazing! It's everything we've ever looked for, it's everything we've been dreaming of. To anyone out there, please, never hesitate to contact me with questions. I want to help. I want to share everything that I know. Yes, diet is very important, as is with exercise, and reducing stress. But, diet and life changes alone will not cure you of brain cancer. That's what I believe anyway, and statistics seem to concur. We have to be proactive in our treatment. I mean, think about it, if this treatment of mine doesn't cause any damage to healthy cells, why not try it? What do you have to lose? We've already shown that it worked from Oct - Jan between my MRI scans. No. New. Growth. None. Zero. On slides from the two MRI scans, comparing the exact slices, little Hermie appears to maybe even have shrunk just a tid. He definitely lessened in intensity. It's scary to go outside the bounds of our doctor's advice, but it's already been stated by the same doctors that they can't cure brain cancer. So, essentially, they don't have a solution for me. I'm on my own, except for my teammates in the artemisinin cancer fighting world. Thank God for them. I've always been a sucker for answers, and I have never been good at following statements like, "Because I said so." That just doesn't work for me. Sorry, doctors, you'll have to give me a better reason not to try other options.

I realize the doctors are just trying to be cautious and they don't want me to have any other complications, but when there are so few (effectively none) treatments that cure brain cancer, I would be a fool to follow their advice and avoid alternative options. Just because there isn't a clinical trial proving the validity of artemisinin, doesn't mean it isn't effective. The two are not mutually exclusive.

Macular Degeneration

Sorry the above photo is so grainy, but I didn't want to disturb the sleeping birdies so I zoomed in. If you look closely the female has her eye open and she's watching me, probably deciding if I was a threat. I wish I could swivel my head and tuck my face into my feathery back. It seems very comforting, hiding from the world. I think I would like being a duck at Green Lake. As far as I've been able to tell, it seems like a pretty awesome life. 

That picture was taken on my walk to the retirement home this morning. Tuesdays are my favorite! Today, along with my usual Margaret, I got the chance to paint Lucy's nails. She's 89, and such a sweet and interesting woman. She moved to Seattle in 1946, migrating from her small Minnesota hometown of 2,300 people. She reminded me of two of my favorite people Rich & Andre who moved from Minnesota. Unlike Lucy, they still have their awesome accents, well, at least Rich does :) Lucy moved to Seattle to do bookkeeping for Boeing during the war. I love Lucy and Margaret. I also had the chance to go to Ruth's room and touch up a couple of her nails. Ruth didn't have the energy to walk to our usual meeting place so I knelt down while she relaxed in her rocking lazy chair. She was looking classic in white slacks and an American flag sweater. These women always look so handsome.  

The highlight of my day, though, was when Lucy asked if I was attending high school. I started laughing and told the ladies that I'm 31. They couldn't believe it! They kept going on and on about how young I look, until Lucy finally fessed up and admitted she has macular degeneration. Then we all busted out with uncontrollable laughter. Oh lord, these women are so funny! Seriously. They're such a treat!