Criminal Charges

Well, today is off to a great start! After playing tag with the Seattle assistant district attorney, she let me know that the city is in fact going to press charges in my attack case!! Apparently, the city receives over 200 new cases a week, and they were very clear from the start that there is no guarantee that charges would be pressed. This case has bounced around a bit, within the system, and I've had to give my statement several times. Each time it was hard, sad, and stirred quite a bit of emotions.

When I heard the news this morning, I thought I would be relieved, happy even, but instead I'm sad. The man who attacked me is married with four children. The oldest is 10 and the youngest is a set of infant twins. I did not intend to hurt his family, but in order to keep others safe I felt compelled to help the city press criminal charges. I know that this man has sexually accosted two other women, and he has become more and more aggressive. To attack a woman in her own home, working as her maintenance man, is incredibly brazen. This man should not be working in people's homes.

Anyway, I'm off to catch the bus for another counseling session. Alison is going to be THRILLED by this morning's news!!

Also, I included three photos from Saturday night. Throughout the night I was reminded of how wonderful our friends are. I am so glad that our buddy Eric got his job at the Blume Company, where he met Meghan who is married to Sean, who he then introduced to Dan, then Dan included me, and now Meghan and Sean have introduced us to all of THEIR friends, and Dan and I now have a huge network of fabulous buddies. There is no limit to the kindness of those around us, we are completely surrounded by love and support. And I know it's not just Seattle, it's Friday Harbor, Wenatchee, Poland, Sweden, and so many other places. Thank you! I am always grateful for all of the hugs and support. Especially with this upcoming clinical trail. I've been battling panic attacks, that's why I hadn't been posting lately. But, that's for another post, I've got to get running for the 358 or I'll be late!

Attack Followout

I've been depressed and I'm embarrassed to talk about it. In fact, I've been avoiding the topic, hoping it would just get better - but it isn't getting better. In fact it's getting worse. It's not like every moment of every day is horrible, but I feel trapped. I've become agoraphobic due to the auras and seizure. I'm afraid of getting too hot, becoming too stressed, getting stuck where it's too bright, too noisy, too many people, too intense of questions, of hearing a Romanian accent, the speed of moving vehicles, the list goes on. I know I sound ridiculous, and I'm disgusted with myself, but I'm just completely overwhelmed. I worked my way up to Eric and Laura's wedding, resting the week before, mentally preparing myself. I really, really wanted to go the wedding, and I was nervous, but I made it. Originally, I felt like it might be too much, and I asked Danny to go without me, but he refused. He didn't want to leave me. So, I pushed through to make sure I could make it. I didn't want to be the reason why Dan wasn't able to attend his best friend's wedding. Everything worked out fine, we had a WONDERFUL time, but now, getting back to life with the move and everything, it's tough. 

It's incredibly hard to understand the waves of dizziness, of the overheating and physical dynamics that happen when my body is stressed. It can come in an instant, when you're least expecting.

I'm terrified to leave the house. I've tried getting to the store, or for a walk or two - always with Dan, but I feel unsafe getting very far away from our home. We've had to cut our outings short, or the fear overcomes me as we're just leaving and I stay home while Dan runs errands. I wish I could explain how it feels. It's a combination of getting nauseous, feeling like your body is melting from the inside out, internally combusting. Imagine a wax figure melting down, that's how my body physically feels when I'm having an aura or seizure, or that I'm a robot that has been sprayed with water, that I'm short circuiting. 

I'm working all of these issues with my therapist, and I actually have homework - I'm supposed to get out of the house every day. There's different specific tasks, but it's too much. Even before this attack I still didn't leave the house every single day, I was too tired. The homework alone from counseling is more exhausting that I normally have to deal with. 

I feel trapped, fearful, exhausted, scared, distrustful of my body, and incredibly sad. If you've never had a seizure or an aura, I don't know how to explain it accurately. It's horrible.

At this point, I only leave the house with Dan or someone from my family. I'm afraid to try and get out and then have a seizure out on a random street as I walk. I'm terrified to not be able to call for help. I'm terrified to push it and make things worse. I had no idea that this attack would hurt me so badly, that it could effect me this much. That it would immobilize me, imprison me, and completely ruin my quality of life.

Theoretically, I know I will get better, but my soul and my heart are hurting. Sometimes, this journey is harder than I expect. 

Thank you for the birthday wishes yesterday. I am officially 32. All day I thought about when Dan turned 32. A month later, I was diagnosed with my tumor. Poor guy. He didn't exactly have the best 32nd year. Although mine is getting off to a rocky start, I'm hoping it will just get better and better. 

It was a beautiful day, and I was able to fill it with wonderfully happy things like weeding in our little garden, painting a little mirror, unpacking the bedroom, doing laundry, painting a wall, visiting with Meghan, and watching the Olympics. I did more in a day than I would usually do in a week. It was fabulous, but I'm worn down. Perhaps that's why I feel so sad. That, or the fact that I'm dealing with quite a bit. Hard to say. 

Birthday flowers from Meghan

Moving Out

Sorry I'm still not back to a regular posting schedule. Last Thursday, the counseling session was fantastic, and it prepared me emotionally for the appointment later in the day with the detective. The therapist helped me put the whole attack in perspective. I cried a good deal, and was able to discuss not only the attack, but also, all of the stress involved with our landlords. Unfortunately, we have to move. It has all been pretty unexpected, but step by step, it has become more and more uncomfortable to live here. All Danny and I want is a safe and happy home where we can focus on being healthy. We are moving out tomorrow. Each step of the way, dealing with our landlords, has been painful and sad. I wish I could say everything horrible that they've done, but I feel like it would be an ugly decision for me to make. There's no need for me to drag their names through the mud. They know what they've done, and how they've acted, and I'm not going to be able to teach them a lesson about kindness, empathy, or anything else. If there's one thing that I feel certain about, it's that you can't teach anyone anything. You can only be yourself, be honest, stand up for yourself, and avoid unnecessary stress/drama whenever possible.

Speaking of stress and drama, we've got only the good kind for the next two days. My parents will be here tonight, and we'll be packing today, then tomorrow we move out and into our new home. I have another counseling session tomorrow night, and I know that it will help me continue to heal. I feel like things are getting better and better. I feel relieved to get the therapy I need, the promise of a safe home with new landlords, time to heal and gain strength so that I can focus on  preparing for the clinical trial.

I need to be strong physically, mentally and emotionally. I must feel confident, yet relaxed and ready to conquer the world if I'm going to successfully undergo another brain surgery. For now I'm happy to I have the time to get back to walking the lake, then jogging the lake, focus on eating healthy, trying new recipes, stretching my limbs with yoga, and enjoying each moment of my amazing life. I'm so lucky, and happy to be alive. Even when things are tough, I'm still grateful to be breathing. Over the past few weeks, even at the lowest point, although I was scared, I just hoped and hoped that things would just get better. I day dreamed of jogging the lake, of laughing with friends, of walking to the grocery store and enjoying the little things of my daily life. All of those hopes, all of the wishing, culminated on Saturday night at our friends Laura & Eric's wedding. Finally, Dan and I were able to laugh, dance, visit with friends, enjoy the gorgeous day, the fresh air, the beautiful faces and happiness of their family and friends. It was perfect. Weddings are so much fun, especially when they're for people you love. Over the course of Saturday night I became more and more confident that Dan and I are going to pull through any hard times. I remembered that life isn't about the big things (cancer, the attack, the landlords, etc.), it's about hugs, laughter, stories, dancing, and love.

Message from Dan

Hello everyone, this is Dan

Since Jess was attacked on Tuesday, she has been dealing with a incredible amount of stress inducing situations. She has been dealing with; getting our locks changed, working with police officers and detectives on the pending criminal case of her attacker, scheduling her recently approved tests with UCLA to possibly start her clinical trial, scheduling her travel itinerary to UCLA, all the while going through the process of dealing with her attack.

Due to all this stress Jess had an aura on Thursday, followed by another on Friday. The two Auras happened while shopping for replacement items for the bathroom in an attempt to change the decor. All this has lead to me declaring a technological lock down and putting Jess on 'restriction'. She will not be allowed to blog, text or email until her level of stress has sufficiently decreased. Please do not take her lack of correspondence personally, it is a necessary action to preserve her health.

Jessica is extremely worn down and needs to let her body rejuvenate itself. I will be postponing her appointments at UCLA for one week. Hopefully this will give her enough time to start healing and speak to the detective handling the criminal case of her attacker on Friday.

Thank you for all of your support and sympathy for Jess, she will be back soon. Probably sooner then I wish.

Attack

Yesterday I was attacked in my shower by my maintenance man. I am terrified. The police are involved. I might not blog for a bit. Thank you for understanding.