Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Attack Followout

I've been depressed and I'm embarrassed to talk about it. In fact, I've been avoiding the topic, hoping it would just get better - but it isn't getting better. In fact it's getting worse. It's not like every moment of every day is horrible, but I feel trapped. I've become agoraphobic due to the auras and seizure. I'm afraid of getting too hot, becoming too stressed, getting stuck where it's too bright, too noisy, too many people, too intense of questions, of hearing a Romanian accent, the speed of moving vehicles, the list goes on. I know I sound ridiculous, and I'm disgusted with myself, but I'm just completely overwhelmed. I worked my way up to Eric and Laura's wedding, resting the week before, mentally preparing myself. I really, really wanted to go the wedding, and I was nervous, but I made it. Originally, I felt like it might be too much, and I asked Danny to go without me, but he refused. He didn't want to leave me. So, I pushed through to make sure I could make it. I didn't want to be the reason why Dan wasn't able to attend his best friend's wedding. Everything worked out fine, we had a WONDERFUL time, but now, getting back to life with the move and everything, it's tough. 

It's incredibly hard to understand the waves of dizziness, of the overheating and physical dynamics that happen when my body is stressed. It can come in an instant, when you're least expecting.

I'm terrified to leave the house. I've tried getting to the store, or for a walk or two - always with Dan, but I feel unsafe getting very far away from our home. We've had to cut our outings short, or the fear overcomes me as we're just leaving and I stay home while Dan runs errands. I wish I could explain how it feels. It's a combination of getting nauseous, feeling like your body is melting from the inside out, internally combusting. Imagine a wax figure melting down, that's how my body physically feels when I'm having an aura or seizure, or that I'm a robot that has been sprayed with water, that I'm short circuiting. 

I'm working all of these issues with my therapist, and I actually have homework - I'm supposed to get out of the house every day. There's different specific tasks, but it's too much. Even before this attack I still didn't leave the house every single day, I was too tired. The homework alone from counseling is more exhausting that I normally have to deal with. 

I feel trapped, fearful, exhausted, scared, distrustful of my body, and incredibly sad. If you've never had a seizure or an aura, I don't know how to explain it accurately. It's horrible.

At this point, I only leave the house with Dan or someone from my family. I'm afraid to try and get out and then have a seizure out on a random street as I walk. I'm terrified to not be able to call for help. I'm terrified to push it and make things worse. I had no idea that this attack would hurt me so badly, that it could effect me this much. That it would immobilize me, imprison me, and completely ruin my quality of life.

Theoretically, I know I will get better, but my soul and my heart are hurting. Sometimes, this journey is harder than I expect. 

Thank you for the birthday wishes yesterday. I am officially 32. All day I thought about when Dan turned 32. A month later, I was diagnosed with my tumor. Poor guy. He didn't exactly have the best 32nd year. Although mine is getting off to a rocky start, I'm hoping it will just get better and better. 

It was a beautiful day, and I was able to fill it with wonderfully happy things like weeding in our little garden, painting a little mirror, unpacking the bedroom, doing laundry, painting a wall, visiting with Meghan, and watching the Olympics. I did more in a day than I would usually do in a week. It was fabulous, but I'm worn down. Perhaps that's why I feel so sad. That, or the fact that I'm dealing with quite a bit. Hard to say. 

Birthday flowers from Meghan


  1. You do not sound ridiculous, nor should you feel disgusted with yourself. You have gone through an extremely traumatic experience, and I would be worried if you WEREN'T having difficulty dealing with it!! Don't put so much pressure on yourself to be okay and "normal". It's amazing how the things that happen to us in life affect our wellbeing. As weird as this may sound, I think your reaction is the right way to be feeling. I am thinking of you and would love to stop by and keep you company if you want it! <3

  2. Happy belated bday. Praying for your renewed strength.

  3. I've been reading your blog for awhile now but this is the first time I've posted a comment. I too was attacked while I was in my home. I never saw his face and therefore he was never caught. It was a long time ago but I remember the fear I felt afterward. Going out of the house was the worst. I remember being afraid that every male I saw was the guy and he was coming for me again. I also changed the way I dressed, which was totally stupid since I was a pretty conserative dresser in the first place, but I started wearing a lot of turtlenecks. You hear it from many assault victims but I felt dirty and that it was somehow my fault. I know it wasn't and that I did nothing to cause that sick guy to do what he did. You will get back to your old self Jess! Just give yourself time. Writing helped me and once I finally started telling my friends, talking about it helped too! Keep writing, even if it's not your blog, just write and keep talking about all the feelings you are having. You can't let it fester inside! You are always in my prayers!

  4. Just stumbled across your blog. I can't imagine what you are going through. Sending lots of hope and strength your way!

  5. Dear Jesus only you fully know the full impact of how Jess is feeling, only you can give her the strength she needs to get through a day,only you can take a way her pain,sadness,and fear! Jesus Jess needs you to be her personal friend in times of trouble,she needs you to save her from herself! You set captives free! Jess doesn't need to be a prisoner in her own body,She needs you,to comfort her,refresh her,restore her,Jess needs you Jesus in her life so at any time when she feels alone, afraid,she can count on you to be her refuge and strength,she can hide in you and not from any one for fear of attack.Lord Jesus would you be Jess's comforter today,would you help Jess to see you are trustworthy,faithful,that you have already helped her through many trying days,and you will be faithful to help her through many more!I Pray Father Jess will acknowledge you in that your love for her is amazing love,and your a God who waits patiently,with much grace and mercy.Father would you help Jess's seizures not to be to overwhelming to her that she feels entrapped by them,Lord God Bless Jess today, thank you for giving her another day,today is all we've been given,I pray Jess will enjoy today,with no fear,no anxiety,no worry,"none of these can "add a day" to Jess"s life",I Pray Jesus for your peace,rest,Joy,contentment,to flood Jess today. In Jesus Precious Compassionate Name.
    Jess it sounds like you have a very incredible Husband,I Pray you can focus on enjoy looking forward to him coming home today.

  6. Oh Jessica, you must know we all would like to wrap you up in a soft cocoon and protect you. You will get better, it takes time. Your stress symptoms sound similar to labor pains. I was not prepared for those at all - they grip you and, to use your words, overheat and change the physical dynamics of your body. And the best way to handle them is with special breathing. I don't remember the exact methods anymore - my baby is 24 - but just trying to think of something that might help. You are one strong woman. Take care. Debbie

  7. Thinking of you and wishing you more and more moments of peace in your days!!

  8. &quot;So Cal&quot; PattiAugust 10, 2012 at 12:31 AM

    Always sending loving and peaceful thoughts your way!!!

  9. Jessica,
    I think it is fair to say that you already have recovered from a serious physical injury/disease, and I think you should just use the same approach to an emotional one. You will get better, you know you will. The most excruciating thing in dealing with all of this is to force yourself to be patient, and let your body heal in it's own way, I am definitely amazed by your resiliency.

    Just like brain tumors, seizures should be looked right in the eye, and dealt with. I would also reccomend finding a doctor who focuses on seizures called an epileptologist. Neurologists are good for diagnosing causes, but not always great at managing medications to control seizures.

    Things will get better. You will get better.
    It may take a bit of time, but before you know it, you will be back to your old self.

    In the mean time, I will say a prayer for you.


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