Attack Followout

I've been depressed and I'm embarrassed to talk about it. In fact, I've been avoiding the topic, hoping it would just get better - but it isn't getting better. In fact it's getting worse. It's not like every moment of every day is horrible, but I feel trapped. I've become agoraphobic due to the auras and seizure. I'm afraid of getting too hot, becoming too stressed, getting stuck where it's too bright, too noisy, too many people, too intense of questions, of hearing a Romanian accent, the speed of moving vehicles, the list goes on. I know I sound ridiculous, and I'm disgusted with myself, but I'm just completely overwhelmed. I worked my way up to Eric and Laura's wedding, resting the week before, mentally preparing myself. I really, really wanted to go the wedding, and I was nervous, but I made it. Originally, I felt like it might be too much, and I asked Danny to go without me, but he refused. He didn't want to leave me. So, I pushed through to make sure I could make it. I didn't want to be the reason why Dan wasn't able to attend his best friend's wedding. Everything worked out fine, we had a WONDERFUL time, but now, getting back to life with the move and everything, it's tough. 

It's incredibly hard to understand the waves of dizziness, of the overheating and physical dynamics that happen when my body is stressed. It can come in an instant, when you're least expecting.

I'm terrified to leave the house. I've tried getting to the store, or for a walk or two - always with Dan, but I feel unsafe getting very far away from our home. We've had to cut our outings short, or the fear overcomes me as we're just leaving and I stay home while Dan runs errands. I wish I could explain how it feels. It's a combination of getting nauseous, feeling like your body is melting from the inside out, internally combusting. Imagine a wax figure melting down, that's how my body physically feels when I'm having an aura or seizure, or that I'm a robot that has been sprayed with water, that I'm short circuiting. 

I'm working all of these issues with my therapist, and I actually have homework - I'm supposed to get out of the house every day. There's different specific tasks, but it's too much. Even before this attack I still didn't leave the house every single day, I was too tired. The homework alone from counseling is more exhausting that I normally have to deal with. 

I feel trapped, fearful, exhausted, scared, distrustful of my body, and incredibly sad. If you've never had a seizure or an aura, I don't know how to explain it accurately. It's horrible.

At this point, I only leave the house with Dan or someone from my family. I'm afraid to try and get out and then have a seizure out on a random street as I walk. I'm terrified to not be able to call for help. I'm terrified to push it and make things worse. I had no idea that this attack would hurt me so badly, that it could effect me this much. That it would immobilize me, imprison me, and completely ruin my quality of life.

Theoretically, I know I will get better, but my soul and my heart are hurting. Sometimes, this journey is harder than I expect. 

Thank you for the birthday wishes yesterday. I am officially 32. All day I thought about when Dan turned 32. A month later, I was diagnosed with my tumor. Poor guy. He didn't exactly have the best 32nd year. Although mine is getting off to a rocky start, I'm hoping it will just get better and better. 

It was a beautiful day, and I was able to fill it with wonderfully happy things like weeding in our little garden, painting a little mirror, unpacking the bedroom, doing laundry, painting a wall, visiting with Meghan, and watching the Olympics. I did more in a day than I would usually do in a week. It was fabulous, but I'm worn down. Perhaps that's why I feel so sad. That, or the fact that I'm dealing with quite a bit. Hard to say. 

Birthday flowers from Meghan