Warning: Graphic

Well. I did it. I went in for the "little" procedure to remove the rest of my naughty mole that wanted to turn into cancer. I kept my chin up and tried my best to joke with the DR & the assistant, telling them how bummed I am that they're working on my smaller breast. They laughed with me, and kept the mood light. I made it through the numbing (which they warned me would cause my heart rate to increase), it took three shots of numbing stuff, and soon, we were on our way. As soon as they started cutting, I could feel tugging, and snipping. All of a sudden, as I was trying my best to power through, my hands got really sweaty, and a wave of nausea came over me and I knew I was having an aura.

I tried to keep calm, knowing that freaking out makes the seizures come on faster, exactly what you're trying to avoid in that moment. My parents were out in the waiting room with my purse where I keep my pre-seizure pills which efficiently stop the auras from turning into a full blown grand mal. I quickly said, "Guys, can you stop. I'm having an aura, I need water now - cold water - and I have a pre-seizure pill in my purse in the waiting room. I need it. Please go get it. RUN." It was so scary. The assistant ran to the waiting room and grabbed my purse from my mom. In the meantime, the DR soothed me, helping me drink the cool water. When the assistant arrived back in the room, he took out two pills and I placed them under my tongue, waiting for them to dissolve. In the meantime, I practiced deep breathing, and the boys calmed me down by discussing puppies. They were serious heros, so kind.

I made it through the rest of the procedure which lasted about 45 more minutes of cutting, tugging, and then two different strands of stitches, both inside and out. They separated the skin from the tissue and pulled them together, yanking, and that might have been the worst part. That or the cauterizing - one of the places they cauterized I felt a deep burn. Ouch. I honestly had no idea what I was getting into. I thought this was going to be more routine. I've learned that I can not handle awake procedures. Next time I'm going to have to tell the DR that they need to put me asleep or something.

Even yesterday, and this morning, I'm feeling completely nauseous, and ill. I feel very vulnerable for seizures right now. I can't explain it. It's just a feeling that I get. That's why I didn't blog yesterday. I'm trying to take it easy.

It will be one week before I can get my heart rate up, so I guess it'll be easy to keep things light and simple. I'm dying to run through. That always makes me feel better. When I get to the seventh day, I think I'll be like a race horse just bursting through the gates.

I emailed back and forth with a friend recently and she told me to just listen to my heart and that I'll know when it's right for me to start driving. It is painfully obvious that I should not drive for a long time. I shouldn't even think about it. Although we had been clear for the past 5.5 months of little to no auras, this one was very severe. It is a miracle that we were able to stop the seizure. What a relief. I just need to focus on being healthy, exercising, eating right, sleeping well, and worry about things like driving later. I will not put other people in danger just because I want to go to Costco to save on Dave's Bread. Gotta keep things in perspective. I'm just grateful that I can walk to PCC. A few extra bucks to avoid running someone over is quite a deal!

Here's a few photos of my little missing mole. Sorry, it's totally gross, and pretty graphic, but this is a blog to share about my journey. Hope you aren't offended:

I Always Bounce Back

I woke up smiling! YESSSSSSSSS. I'm back!!! Happy Jess is here again. I think it's because I had a nice cry last night. As we were going to sleep, Danny wrapped me in his arms. I felt engulfed in warmth and love. It's so important to feel safe, and loved. Both Danny and I are surprised by how the doctors effected me. I knew they would want to put me back on seizure medicine, and that they would probably try and strong-arm me into radiation, but what I didn't anticipate was their hostility. I just don't think there's a need to treat people that way. Almost everything in the world can be discussed in a nice way. That's what I think anyway. Not that I don't get sassy sometimes, but all in all I try to be kind, and think about the other person's position. Egh. Oh well. It's all good - I woke up smiling, and that's what I needed! You can fake a good day, often when you do fake it you turn out being happy anyway, but when you wake up with a smile on your face that is the best!

I'm so glad that I'm feeling happy deep in my soul because today is going to be a bit of a trial. Today is the day that the doctors are going to remove that moderate/severe precancerous mole that they weren't able to completely remove. Here we go, they're going to take a big old chunk of tissue, complete with stitches. I was telling Danny last night that I feel really bad being such a baby, but I'm so done with pain. I'm sick of it, and it's been so long since the surgeries. All I really have to deal with is the contrast dye IV, and that fall while running the other day...ooops. That was embarrassing. Oh well, I'm going through with the procedure, even though I've canceled it before. My body obviously cannot fight cancer very well - or it used to not be able to fight it, the past three months look pretty promising. Anyway, better safe than sorry. Other than the fear of pain, I'm also very upset that they're removing a massive chunk from my smaller breast. Most women (maybe even men) have one breast a little smaller than the other. Of course, my bad mole is on my baby breast. Damn!

You know what, they can chop a chunk of my breast, they can go digging in my brain for tumor, they can boss me around, and that's ok. They won't break me. They never do. They can't break my spirit, and they can't take away my inner happiness. Even if I have a bad day, I always bounce back. No one can take that away from me. That's a consoling thought.