14 Years Later

 

I was told I would never live this long, that I would be lucky to see 4.5 years. Today, 14 years ago, I was diagnosed with a honker of a brain tumor, and four brain surgeries later, I'm still here.

It's an endless saga of treatments, research, medicine, fear, bloodwork, MRI's, seizures, new opinions, old drugs, new drugs. Living the brain tumor lifestyle, rather than fighting against it, has given me so much more insight into what might be possible.

I remember thinking, "As soon as I get rid of this tumor, I can go back to living a normal life." But somewhere along the way, I realized, I couldn't have both. I couldn't go back to living a life not centric to cancer. That in order to thrive, I had to completely evolve my thinking and actions. 

My health is paramount, my research and ever evolving wellness is a gift that I give myself.

I don't have social media, but I will post updates here, from time to time. Thank you for the love and support. 

I can't believe I'm still alive, playing here on Camp Earth. It's fucking awesome!! 

Past The Meridian

There's something about the middle of the night, that awakens my soul. It happens every night, almost always around 1:27 am, when I arouse as if morning. Astutely alert. It's become a time of prayer and meditation, and deep reflection. 

I'm down in LA early, focusing on healing my body, my mind, and my soul/energy from the stressors and factors that I believe threw my body out of alignment which has facilitated the accelerated tumor growth. Which, ideally, should help me prepare for the March 3rd brain surgery, which lands on Dan's birthday. 

I arrived, on my own, extremely late Saturday night, and by Sunday, early evening, I found myself huddled in a ball on the bathroom floor riddled with food poising. I had asked my father for a few days by myself before he arrived, to give the illusion of independence - knowing that long periods of solitude in high stress/fatigue ridden periods, lead to seizures, and that my ultimate solitude would be a burden on Dan and my family/friends because they would worry - so I had ended up asking him to join me as a guardian. Anyway, Tuesday afternoon, my dad arrived, and by that point I was long past the ability to hold down water. I was delirious, and weak, so he ended up taking me to the hospital. Between the care I received there, and some amazing care from my friends here in LA, and some badass tinctures, within 24 hours, I was back to feeling human. I'm still on a broth diet, but last night we were able to add sautéed vegetables and tempeh, so that was a pretty awesome success.

I'm here to work on evolving my mindset, and removing negative factors. I've learned recently that in life, and relationships, I have taken on the role of a screen/filter. So when people come to me and unburden themselves with the negative/emotional things that go on in their lives, I process that information, and although, often, people feel better releasing their heavy buildup, I end up getting stuck with the sediment. No one does it purposefully. No one wants to hurt me. I just can't seem to take those things in stride. They weigh down my soul.

When your soul is weighed down, it effects your hormones, especially your stress hormones. Recently, a doctor told me that she believes that my explosive tumor growth (3 tumors, one enhancing), is because of the amount of emotional stress in my life, and that tumors actually secrete growth hormones, strengthening the cancer. She mentioned some sort of tumor growth factor - I can't remember the exact term though, perhaps one of you awesome blog readers know what I'm talking about. I'm not going to research it though, because I don't want it to stress me out. I don't want to focus on the negative. I don't really need specific proof -  I can viscerally feel that it's the truth.

Anyway, I recognize that my environment is paramount to my success in achieving true health, and that means protecting myself from negative influences. Even perceived negative influences - whether or not they mean me harm. I am the only person who can make the decision to put my health first. To make the hard choices to separate myself from situations and people and energy that will not serve my healing. It's incredibly hard to pull back and analyze these things, and focus, truly, on what I need to evolve and grow. 

So for now I have pulled back from almost everyone in my life, because I need a true period of time for reflection, and reconnection with my intuition. To truly understand what will serve me, and what kind of social load I can realistically maintain.

Yesterday afternoon, I had an epiphany. I felt like my whole life, including this cancer journey had lead up to this moment, but that I had crossed a meridian, and was now a tiny speck on a new journey, with immeasurable growth to attain. A Universe full of insight and development, full of lessons, if I so chose to embark, to listen, and to absorb. And I do! It feels so right, so true for me. It's one of the most natural things I've ever felt, to finally find what "healing" means to Me. 

I believe I needed those days huddled in a ball, guts cemented in torture, to bring my body, my mind, and my soul, back to a rebirth. A new kind of evolution. That everything in my life brought me to that bathroom floor, in a loving ground level apartment in Marina Del Rey, full of the sounds of birds, and fresh breezes, carrying the scent of jasmine from the front door. Less than two weeks from a brain surgery, at a time when I would typically be overextending myself, I found myself forcibly aware of the necessity to really recognize my role in my own healing. That if I couldn't start to pull away from the demands of this world, which was creating a proliferation of cancer, and put myself first, I was going to aide in killing myself. 

Healing myself is a choice, and I have many wonderful guides and teachers, both western trained, and others, and with the combination, I am finally finding my stride, my raw self. Once you're cut down to your most vulnerable self, you can build a new sturdy foundation, and that, my friends, is exactly what I plan to do.

Thank you for being patient with me while I revel this process. If I don't respond to your text messages, or emails, or communication on any level, it is not personal, it is not about you or anything you have done or not done. This is about me, and about me allowing myself the privilege to work on my own healing. I'm not sure if I will post another blog before surgery. And in the same vein I might write many. I'm going to feel things out and be true to my inner voice and do what feels best. 

During the surgery, my mom has offered to do updates on the blog to share information as they receive it in the waiting room. I'm sure, though, someone will post the surgery time the night before (which is when they will notify us), we'll post that info for those who may be moved to pray or send healing thoughts to my surgical team, and to me, and the family. For me, I ask you to unburden my family during that time. If you could please turn to the blog for information, instead of hitting up my family's cell phones, it would mean a lot to me. I want them to have the least amount of stress as possible. There are so many of you amazingly wonderful people that care so much about us, and we are all very grateful, but if they're on their phones during the whole surgery, then they won't get the chance to be in the moment, to take care of each other, to support and love one another. I hope for them to have some semblance of calm, and know that I am being healed. These are special moments when we get to come together, and focus on what's right in front of us.

I really do appreciate your support, your kindness, and your understanding for what we're all going through. I hope to write more again before surgery, but if not, truly know that your love and positive energy is tangible in my life, especially in these days while we're dealing with so much. I have such a huge amount of gratitude to all of you. Thank you for sharing your prayers, and for entering me into your prayer circles, and for sharing my journey with your friends, because I can feel their love and prayers too.

I recently finished a fascinating book on Hado, specifically, The Secret Life of Water, by Dr Masaru Emoto. He analyzed water crystals forming in different environments (during specific music, or words, or emotions, etc.), and what he found is that the crystals formed beautiful, symmetrical shapes during [many] times but specifically of prayer. My prayer, and my hope, is that all of your beautiful prayers, and love, and my deep gratitude, may bring my body and spirit beautiful symmetry, beautiful wholeness, as well. May I be blessed with your Hado (Baha'i, Catholic, Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, agnostic....etc.) healing. I'm very very grateful for your kindness, and your love.

Sent this to Dan the morning after I arrived. Wearing his shirt so that I could feel close.
The calm before I fell ill.
I'm wearing it every single night. Should probably wash the funk out, but in my mind,
I still smell his scent.

Thank you, as always, for reading.

Love,

Jess

Three Day Water-Only Fast

I'm 21 hours into a 72 hour fast. This is why...



You can also read the article HERE.
If you're more interested in the research study, instead of an article click HERE.

There are all types of fasts out there; juice fasts, fruit fasts, broth fasts, minimal calorie fasts, you name it, there's probably a fast out there. They're a divisive topic with fervent stances on both sides. Some say they're great for cleansing, fabulous for your health, and others say they damage your metabolism, that they mess up the delicate homeostasis of the body. As for me, I don't know what I think. It seems like there's both benefits and concerns. But this new research study that's been splashing around the internet showing that fasting for 2-4 days can completely regenerate the cells in your immune system, got my attention and drew me in.

To keep myself sane, I have been drinking pint after pint of water, and a smattering of herbal teas (which I chose because they're are usually caffeine free and calorie free). This afternoon I felt well enough to walk the lake with Emma, but I'll be surprised if I'm able to do it again tomorrow, let alone Friday. I'm just trying to take it easy and get through this. I have a friend who's done a seven day water-only fast, so I keep reminding myself that three days should be easy. I mean, jeez, I'm almost a third of the way to the finish line.

I'm definitely feeling hazy, but the growls in my stomach are oddly refreshing. It reminds me that I'm strong, and dedicated. Too bad my subconscious didn't get the memo; I took a late afternoon nap and dreamed of juicy, chilled green grapes.

On my walk today I glimpsed this chalk message. How fitting. Maybe the penman was on a fast too....know what I'm sayin'? Ha.

Catching Endorphins

 Danny just cooked me my favorite dish, steamed broccoli. I was going to do it myself, but Danny panicked when he saw me cutting towards myself.  I should remember that trick in the future when I don't want to cook...ha ha ha!

Today, I made it to the 10:15am yoga class, and it was so much fun that I went back and did the 6:45pm class too! Just like cookies, you can't have just one. When Danny and I were driving toward the gym (both times today) I was really dreading the class, but I made it through the front door. I don't know why I was so nervous the second time, already knew what to expect because the same instructor teaches both classes and she was awesome! And, at the night class I had friends to join me - Megan and Sarah. Yet, still, I was slouching down in my seat as I neared the turnoff. I'm serious, I honestly almost sent a text to the girls to tell them that I wasn't going to make it, but then it seemed like a real jerk move, like breaking up with someone over text, or on a message machine, so I plugged through and put one foot in front of the other and made it into the gym door. By the end of the class I was back to being bubbly and full of energy! But good grief I am out of shape!! I may be paying for the double workout tomorrow, but it feels so good, like I'm coming out of hibernation.

I love the gym. There's all different levels of fitness, all different types of hard bodies, and soft bodies, but we're all working toward the same goal of taking care of our bodies and minds. Today at the gym, I received more eye contact, and more smiles from strangers than any other place in public this whole time (although I guess technically the gym is private since you have to be a member - but you know what I mean). Once you put on your gym shoes and walk through that front door, you're just another person trying to catch a few endorphins. Simple as that. It's a community within a community.