Partially Back

Hi Friends! I'm on limited technology. And I have to say that Dan is truly amazing. He can read me so well. In my downtime I've been able to focus on resting. I started a new routine in the mornings, I wake up and pick up the house, make the bed, do any random dishes from Dan's breakfast and I've even been doing small loads of laundry. I do chores for one hour, then put the kettle on and I start stretching. I make a tea, as it cools I continue to stretch and do floor exercises.

I've been able to paint two large canvases for my niece and nephew, which is VERY exciting! I lay in bed every day from 1-3, sometimes napping, other times just laying with my eyes closed (usually pinned by my cat). Dan has been joining me on evening walks. For the first time in weeks Danny had Saturday off, so yesterday morning Dan and I walked, and jogged from our house down and around the lake, then home. The entire trip was about 4 miles. I slogged a total of 1 mile (not consistently).

This morning Dan took me to the gym for the first time since the surgery. We spent a little under an hour, which is fantastic! Heading to the gym is a very big deal because the noise of the loud music, voices, weights clanging - the smells of cleaners, the bleach and vibrations of the cardio machines can be overwhelming at times, triggering auras. I have always been able to get out of the gym before it has turned into a seizure but it's still very scary. Today though, it was a complete success! We worked out on the cardio machine, we did weights and I even went into the woman's locker room to weigh myself without Dan's supervision (I can be overwhelmed at times doing things alone without Dan or someone in case of a seizure).

I feel like I'm focusing on resting, and utilizing my energy for physical activity which is integral for my improvement. I appreciate your patience with emails, texts, phone calls and Facebook stuff. I'm still not back, and at this point in emails alone I have over 75+ legitimate emails that I have yet to respond to. I love all of my friends and family so much, and I'm sorry I'm not a good friend these days. I don't know how long it's going to take me to get caught up, and I'm sorry for that! It's probably going to take a very long time. I probably also won't be up for social stuff, even walks or runs for a bit. It's amazing how tired I am after a normal day, for now I just need to remember that I'm healing and I need to get into a normal routine, take it easy, and as soon as I'm able to get my life semi-back to the way it was, I can start getting social :) I think, initially, I jumped out of the gate running and it was a mistake. I'm fixing it though :)

I love you all, so much. I'm sorry to those of you who I have yet email back, etc. I appreciate the patience.

Tuesday afternoon I have a phone call with my NYC doctor. He will review my surgery notes, my blood work, and my overall health to see if I'm a viable candidate for dendritic cell therapy in Germany. I'm excited, and nervous. My stomach is full of butterflies. Not much rest for the weary :)

This therapy could help clean up residual tumor (the invisible cells) and teach my body to recognize tumor cells as the enemy for the future. To train my body to seek out and rid my body of cancer cells would be AWESOME!! Fingers crossed that the appointment goes well. I'm also grateful that I'm able to discuss my situation over the phone with my doctor, that I don't have to travel. Lots to be thankful about.

That First Mile

I have an embarrassing story. In fact, I may have mentioned it before, but I'm going to tell it again.

I just finished jogging around Green Lake, and although when I started it was misting, while I was halfway around the lake it started dumping rain. Rain drops were cascading down my face, down my neck, I was soaking wet. When I first moved to Seattle I was worried about the weather, I was afraid I would hate the rain. Now that I've lived here for three months, I can safely say that the rain is soothing. I love it. Even when I run, the drops have a way of cleansing you from the outside in.

Rain Outside Our Living Room Window

As I ran, and the rain continued to pour, I thought about how different my life has become. I flashed back to 2006 when I was stifled in a poorly mated marriage. I stopped running for a period of time, a few years, and I didn't focus much on the food I was eating - I ate all kinds of crap, anything that sounded delicious. That year, I topped off at a yearly doctor's exam at 183 lbs. I am 5'6 and 3/4" (I always have to add that almost inch). That doctor's appointment was a changing moment for me. I decided that I was being stupid, that just because my husband wasn't in love with me, didn't mean I couldn't love myself. So, I started jogging. At first, I could only go about a block. My lungs would burn, and I'd be wheezing up a storm. I hated the fact that when I ran I could feel all of the extra fat on my body bounce, and I was frustrated that I didn't fit in any comfortable workout clothes. I was disgusted with myself. I was in a love/hate relationship with my own body, and struggling with my self worth.

Once I was able to jog one mile, I decided to set a goal. A big goal. I signed up for a half marathon. I didn't care how long it took me to do finish, my only stipulation was that I was not going to walk - no matter what. It took about half a year to train for the 13.1 miles, but I did it. During the race, in the final couple of miles, as I trudged through, I was neck-in-neck with two speed walkers, it was hilarious!

Finishing that race was one of the most challenging and surprising things I've ever accomplished. It showed me that I'm capable if I put my mind to it. It was not easy, that's for sure. Some days I didn't want to run, but I didn't want to give up. By the finish of the race, after all the months of training, I was down to around 150 lbs. I was healthier, and I promised myself that I would never give up on myself like that again.

Crazy memory, huh. It nice to have ups and downs in life. The downs are truly what makes you strive to improve and appreciate things.