Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Final Note Before Surgery

I check into UCLA's Ronald Regan hospital at 4:45 am. I am the first brain surgery of the day for Dr Linda Liau. I keep calling it my brain tumor nap :) I'm so grateful that I get to sleep through it. I am nervous, still apprehensive about things, which I believe is completely normal. They are going to shave off a running strip across my head from front to back. It should be about three inches wide (imagine a reverse Mohawk). I have really enjoyed my hair, and I am too attached to shave it this time. Instead, since Dr Liau said that I wouldn't have to shave it all, I decided I will try to work around it. My girl friend Meghan cut her hair today (it's her 30th birthday) and is gifting it to me so that a gentleman in Bellevue can create a wig for me (he can do a full wig or a partial). Seriously, you heard me right, Meghan cut her hair, 10 inches to create a wig for me on HER birthday. Wow. That's Meghan for you, always doing things for other people. THANK YOU MEGHAN!!!!!! More details about that amazing situation to come. Also, my childhood buddy Marina came over for breakfast this morning and she started cluing me in on all the amazing things that fake hair can do. Originally, I was just going to use the hair on the sides and back of my head and put it into a ponytail and wear baseball caps for the next several months. Now, it looks like I will have lots of options :) That makes me really happy!

Anyway, I'm absolutely exhausted. Dan arrived last night, and my brother arrived this afternoon. While my parents were driving to get Kaal, Dan and I went to the beach and swam. There has been an incredible heatwave. The temps are in the 90's - scorching. While we were at the beach we were able to watch the dolphins play in the waves. They were having so much fun! They're so playful and sweet, it was amazing. We watched for about a half hour, then decided to join them. I was hoping to inch my way closer and closer but I think I scared them away. They did a final swim through the wave, you could see them as the wave grew and they were gliding with it, when the wave broke they jumped into the air to avoid the froth. It was mesmerizing.

For this surgery they made me remove my toenail polish. Weird.

I'm rambling because I'm so tired. I haven't packed quite yet (we will be moving locations while I'm in the hospital) and I need to wash and blow dry my hair. My plan is to straighten my hair and then pin it back on either side of the current scar exposing it as clearly as possible. Hopefully, once they see how wide my current scar is, they will decide that they don't need to shave much :) You never know.

As for tomorrow, Dan said he will keep the blog updated. I truly hope that everything goes well. Most of all I hope that I don't die. I don't know what is in store for me, what my purpose is on this Earth, but I'm truly excited to find out. I'm hoping that this isn't the end of my story. I hope that I can continue to learn, evolve, fight to get healthy, hug friends, jog in the misty Seattle air, cuddle my kitty, and maybe, hopefully, someday, share my love with Dan by having children. There are so many things that I'm hopeful for. I am very aware that my life is a gift, that each moment is all that I have until the next. All I can do is hope for more, more time, more opportunity to love, more time to laugh and hug and smile and breathe and appreciate the things in this world.

Thank you for the love, for the support, and for the prayers. It would be impossible for me to be faring this well without all of you - Dan, my family, my friends, the blog readers, the friends of friends, the people who stumbled upon the blog. Thank you. I have so much gratitude and love to all of you. I hope to be writing again soon, but until then, even though I don't even know who all of you are, thank you.

All of my love,


  1. Will be thinking about you all day tomorrow (and really, until then too). Sending so many positive thoughts your way for a smooth and successful surgery!! And bummer about the toenail polish. I had a lovely mani/pedi before mine (that my hot attending doc complimented). :) xoxo

  2. "So Cal" PattiOctober 17, 2012 at 8:21 PM

    Sending my love and prayers for the best possible surgery tomorrow and a flawless recovery! You are loved and supported by so many people! I have known in my heart from the very first day of following your blog that all would be fine and it looks like finally you have reached your goal!!! LOVE YOU JESS!!! "So Cal" Patti

  3. Our thoughts are with you Jess! Stay strong and kick Hermie's ass tomorrow. Lots of love from the neighbors on the river!!!

  4. Kind thoughts and concerns from Friday Harbor, from me and many others that you do and do not know. We are so happy that you got the best scenario that you wanted and you will be in our island thoughts tonight and tomorrow.
    Diana Clark

  5. Good luck tomorrow, Jessica. God be with you and best wishes for a speedy recovery!

    A reader from Yakima, Wa

  6. Good luck Jess!! You are an inspiration to all... Just imagine all the readers that leave comments and well wishes and multiply that by some insanely large number :) I typically read and spread your story but fail to post for lack of the words to fully tell you how amazing you are.

    As I just told my boyfriend a small snippet of your story and your amazing blog I said "she is beautiful and smart and one of those loud girls, but not loud obnoxious just loud hilarious with a constant lightheartedness".

    In response he said "well that is how she is able to beat that shit!" And I agree.... You would not be dealt something that you would not be able to handle. So.... With that said.... GO BEAT THAT SHIT!!

  7. Jessica and team Jess

    We pray for all your medical staff to be on their game. We pray for a quick recovery and being able to read your inspirational words soon.

    After the amazing Rainbow earlier this week followed by your good news...I know you are in good hands and there are many many many rainbows in your future.
    Love and big hugs from Rich and Andre

  8. Jess!!!

    We are rounding up and sending you massive massive amounts of love/energy and prayers for today. We will be thinking of you and your family. We just know you are going to do just beautifully!!!

    BIG BIG Love from NYC,

    John and Steph xoxo

    P.S. Toenail polish or not, your tootsies are super cute! *Obviously, this is Steph writing this email! xx

  9. Wonderful thoughts being sent your way, to the surgery team and to your family!

  10. You will be surrounded with prayers & love of every single soul you have inspired throughout this . You made the ugly thorn of this world into something beautiful & inspiring. My life is forever changed by your strength jess.... and I know you got this girly! :) can't wait to see your smiling face come through my computer again! and Danny... you are SO wonderful to her, she IS lucky in life! You guys own the life you have been given & with such grace, its encouraging to no end! LOVEloveLOVElove for you both & your families!

  11. Best wishes, Jess. On a note about hair, I just got my hair trimmed again today--almost 11 months to the day since my second brain surgery. The little "shorties" as I like to call them are blending in nicely with the rest of my hair. Growing hair from a shaved situation is rough and takes FOREVER! People can't usually tell I have some short hairs in there unless I'm having a bad hair-day or slept on it funny :) I'm glad they will only shave a strip this time. Jessica


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