Zombie

There's a little moth munching in his little garden on our deck

The testing on Friday was no big deal. Instead of doing an entire battery, they pinpointed their biggest concerns and specifically chose several tasks to measure my abilities that have been effected by the tumor. The majority of time spent Friday was actually an interview. The specialists are concerned with the effects after the first brain surgery and how I've been recovering/functioning until this point. Their whole goal is to assess whether or not Dr Linda Liau should perform a partially awake craniotomy or a regular brain surgery. At this point, they are leaning toward another partially awake brain surgery. Damn. Not what I was hoping for. Apparently my tumor is so incredibly near or already integrated into my speech and language processing area that they're afraid if they do a regular surgery too much of my healthy tissue will be removed causing serious defects. They won't make their final decision until they get the results from my regular and functional MRIs on Monday evening. I will find out their decision on Tuesday morning at 8:00 am when I meet with Dr. Liau.

My first partially awake craniotomy back in April of 2010 was exciting. It was crazy to think that they were going to wake me back up after sawing open my skull, that my brain would be exposed and that they would place electrodes around my brain to make sure that they tried to specifically only remove tumor not healthy tissue. It was fascinating. It was the first time I had ever had a surgery. It was my first stay in the hospital. I hadn't even had a cavity before. Everything was new, and exciting, and I saw the surgery as a necessity, not an option.

During the long interview on Friday, after getting the pertinent information of my current "disabilities" I believe was the word the woman used, they were very interested in the attack that happened back in July. I kept telling them that I've come a very long way and that my "disabilities" are, in my opinion, minute, but they're scientists so they like to be precise. They're not so interested in improvement at this point, their whole goal is to make sure that the areas that are in jeopardy will not be compromised. They want my brain preserved in its' best, most healthy, natural state. After that, I explained the deal with the attack and the current resolution, including the details of the criminal investigation, my involvement with the prosecutor's office, my counseling sessions, and then I continued on to explain the panic attacks that have occurred. The panic attacks are a serious concern because people have very odd experiences when they come out of the anesthesia during the surgery. Your brain is exposed, and your body is very confused, you're confused, and it can cause severe panic. Now, although I do not want to do a partially awake craniotomy, if the doctors and specialists believe that it's necessary to be awake again, I will do it. I just hope that I don't freak out during the surgery. The specialists said that if I do end up freaking out when they wake me up from the anesthesia, they will use some code phrases that we come up with together, and if that still doesn't calm me down they will just put me back under and they will cut what they need to cut. Both options sound horrible, but it's definitely in my best interest to remain calm and undergo the partially awake craniotomy to preserve as much healthy tissue as possible.

I'm so stressed about everything, the possible second malignant tumor, the possibility of another awake craniotomy, the possible issue of blood clots or other complications and the vivid memory of the pain that comes hand in hand with a brain surgery, that I can't seem to sleep. In the past three nights I've had a cumulative amount of 18-19 hours of fitful sleep and no naps. I truly can not describe how excited I am to have Danny arrive Tuesday night. We always seem to diffuse any difficult situation by finding the laughter in life. He's the most amazing man in the world. In fact, I told him that if I have to do another partially awake craniotomy, and that if I freak out and they can't calm me down, that they will just put me back under and just remove the tumor, his response - immediately - was, "Ask Dr. Liau and the specialist in Tuesday's appointment if they can scrub me in. I'm always able to put you at ease." My heart literally melted and I asked him if he could handle seeing my exposed brain, and he said gently, "I could do anything if it meant helping you." Wow. I can not believe how lucky I am. He is the strongest man I know, emotionally, physically, spiritually...in every way. I can't imagine going through this without him. I think it's harder on him than it is on me. Of course, he doesn't show it, just another way he protects me. I can't imagine if I was in his shoes. Horrible. He is amazing.