Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Go For The Best


 Good Morning World. I'm giddy again :) All I can think about is my wonderful life, I've been spiked with endorphins, I want to dance and celebrate and laugh - it;s so fun! Of coirse, I can't get too crazy or I'll hurt myself, no shaking the brain. I can not believe I did it, another brain surgery. SWEET! I even have some hair! I keep welling  up with hapy tears because I;m alive, it is just so thrilling. It's hard to explain, but when you go in for a brain surgery, you walk into it knowing that you could die, it's a risk you are willing to take. It's not a "you could hit by a car" it's literally step by step, into the hospital, needles, IVs, anasthsia talking, lights out. You don't know what happens after that. Once you make it out you are still in dangerous water, there are a mirad of issues that come up, like my blood clot last time or the hemotoma. As the hours fall away, you start to watch and confidence grows, and when they finally release you from the hospial you get to emotionally jump for joy. You realize that you're coming into the clear. It's thrilling!! That you/'ve done it. Even when I was sobbing from pain i was ecstatic to be alive, i kept telling Dan that I can handke the pain, it means I'm here, I did it, I survived.

It's very hard to explain the way it is. To be nauseously sick, throwinng up in pain but happy is wildly confusing. My heart is just so happy. I am more appreciative after this surgery, even more grateful. I want to hug strangers, give away all of my posessions, help peopkle, thank people, get crazy and share how i feel. I haveto takeit easy though, dont want to cause an overload like a seizure.

I dint mind if i have deficits, i don't mind if im more "simple" i don;t mind if i look like a cavewoman, i dont mind the lack of sensation or physioca.l deficits, i am just HAPPY. this is just such a gift. To be happy. I remember never being happy, never content before the tumor. Never satisfied, always needing to do more, accompk\lish more, i was never happy w9ith myh looks, silently barrading myself, being my own mean girl. What's the point in that? What a B. I am so grateful that I have walked away frim that place, that I assess myself on a deeper level. I have always been vain, always wanting to be prtty and thin, and I still care, but more I carea bout being a good friend. I don;t know why im rampling, iguess its because im just so happy. By me not focusing on my outsdie as mucy, people are loving me deeply, just for who i am. it is the most amazing gift anyone could give and it makes my life so beautufil.

I still dont know what my role is on this Earth, but I am sure as hell having a blast enjoying the ride :) This tumor thing isn;t that bad. I continue to learnso much,  make amazing friends, meet brillant doctors, explore cuttng edge research, and go amazing places, all in the name of survival. Oh shoot, gotta go to NYC to check out a Dr. Dang it, I;ve got to head to LA and meet with a surgeon. Seriously, it'sawesoe. I am so gratefl f9r the fundraising, thatnk you for helping me. thyank you for encouraging me to go for the best care, to just do it, not give up, shelll the money and reward myself with the ultimate healthcare. it can feel gluttonous to consider Germany, but then i think, dom't be foolish little girl, pay the money, get the treatment, the whole point of this journey is to to heal and survive :)

You guys, we are on the right track, and we have everything goijng for us. Life is exciting!!



11 comments:

  1. Only you could have brain surgery and be blogging a week later using words like myriad. You rock Jess! Keep that smile in your heart because all of us who follow your blog are smiling to read about your happiness. Hugs- Liz

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  2. I have been reading your blog and really admire your strength and courage. Please do not ever let anyone or anything take away the joy you have for life. God has a special purpose for your life and is using you to project light, and love, and hope. Let your body and mind drink in all the prayers being said for you. Blessings sweet girl...

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  3. Your posts are AMAZING! Each day you improve greatly. Your strength is such an inspiration. I dont know you personally, other than being a huge fan of yours, but you have given me a deeper appreciation for life... And also remind me to stop, slow down and enjoy life and all it offers. Keep being you... And keep smiling!! Ps. I mailed you a little gift this weekend- i hope you get it today or tomorrow!! My 3 year old daughter asked if she could kiss the package... She said that will make you better!! :) so, please know it was sealed by a kiss from my 3 yr old! Your story even moves her!!
    Take care-
    Michelle

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  5. To see each day as a gift is precious Jess,and how many of us take life for granted? We magnify our circumstances so much that we don't see the good in our day,Our afflictions and sufferings are the valley we walk through,growing us and maturing us hopefully,for that next trial we may go through, realizing that there are just some things out of our control,The LORD is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy.
    I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.
    I Love how grateful and thankful you are Jess, it was the "precision of the Lords hand" {over Dr Linda's hands} that guided her to perform the delicate surgery in your brain!
    Oh Jess our prayer for you is that you would find "all" of "your Hope,assurance,Joy,strength, and salvation" in the "Lord" {who has given you life},It is A "Holy God" who gives you another day to "acknowledge" that {He is who is sustaining you} We do not have the power to give ourselves breath,or life- but we do have the power and choice to praise and acknowledge the one who holds our very life in His hands. The "soul" was not made of the earth, as the body,
    Oh Jess The Lord is who watches over you day and night,He knows when you sit and when you stand,God has perfect knowledge of us, and all our thoughts and actions are open before him. Nothing is Hidden from Him,He knows what rule we walk by, what end we walk toward.
    There is no one like Him, Precious Jess, we come before a Holy Perfect Lord,we seek Him and He will be found,His word says...Happy are those who take the Lord for their God, and make full proof of it by trusting themselves wholly to his wise counsel. John 3:16 expresses God's love for you,and O Jess how He will go to great lengths to get your attention,everything about your life matters to the Lord...."your role on this earth" is what the Living God has purposed your life in Him to be......the Lord wants to be your all in all,for it is by the Living God's grace He saves us, having faith and believing,there is nothing that we can do or have done to take credit for what the Lord did for us,He gave Himself as a gift in the person of Jesus Christ,the Living God Himself,{beyond our finite comprehension}, that's where faith comes in,The grace that saves is the free, undeserved goodness and favor of the living God; and he saves, not by the works of the law, but through faith in Christ Jesus. Grace in the soul is a new life in the soul!Jesus is Grace, Blessed are those who delight in the Lord and fear him because of the "awe and reverence" they have for Almighty Holy living God of Abraham,Isaac,and Jacob,-----He is not Anonymous-----The Lord is--- personal,---relational,---Loving,---kind--- generous,---patient,---compassionate,--- faithful,---Perfect,---everlasting---eternal---Holy,Father Who is intrinsic!
    Jess God already knows your today's and your tomorrows,
    My husband and I pray you will seek the Lord today,He's waiting for you to call upon him,"Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved." But how can they call on him to save them unless they believe in him? And how can they believe in him if they have never heard about him? And how can they hear about him unless someone tells them?And how will anyone go and tell them without being sent? That is why the Scriptures say, "How beautiful are the feet of messengers who bring good news!"Jesus is the Good news.... We love you Jess we cover you daily in prayer, In Jesus Name

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  6. Amen Jota !! I couldn't agree more :)

    <3,

    Kelly :)

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  7. Jess, you are doing so great. Everyone is thinking of you constantly and so proud of you. I couldn't be more grateful that you are alive and doing so well. We are all here rooting for your speedy recovery and ultimately a permanent healing. I also want to note how grateful I am for your wonderful Husband and parents. They are all such angels, doing such a great job. How lucky you are to have the people in your life that care as much as they do. You seriously have the best of the best and it shines through in your posts. Good job visualizing fat kittens and fluffy puppies and whatever else. Remember the feeling of the sweet ocean breeze on your face and the warmth of the sun. It is all with you, always, whenever you need it.

    So much love it surrounding you, every moment of every day.

    We all love you dearly, Jess.


    Great job!

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  8. You are God's precious child, He wants the best for you. He also wants you to come to Him fully and completely. He has a plan for your life, and wastes nothing in it. Others are being blessed by you with every post! Please accept His gracious gift of love, and let Him in to your heart, mind, and soul. Praying for you ...

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  9. Hello Jess, it's wonderful to see you blogging again! Your spirit is stronger and more radiant than ever. It will burn through everything else, like the Sun burning through a misty cold morning and turning it into a warm, bright, summer afternoon, bursting with color and new life. Your description of your physical condition reminded me of a situation I was in many years ago after a freeway car wreck. I was overwhelmed with pain and could barely move. The life I had lived before seemed a thousand miles away. But I had survived. I knew that now all I needed was patience. You WILL get better. The Pain WILL fade, day by day. The flesh WILL heal. Your nerves WILL rewire themselves back to full functioning. That day WILL come. And your Spirit, more radiant than ever, buoyed by the love of your family and friends WILL carry you all the way through. Thank you for the inspiration! See you on the other side!! Love, Prayers and best wishes, Don and Maxine

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  10. I love reading your positivity and joy, it almost brings tears to my eyes. I am thinking about you a lot and hoping you continue to improve. My mom told me about the amazing dream you had. I was so excited and it has made me think a lot about a new spiritual direction I'm going in. I don't think it's a coincidence that I prayed for you at the western wall as I was beginning this journey, and your dream came on a day that I was feeling more spiritually-connected than ever. It was so weird and amazing! I'm almost crying now! I can't wait to meet you in person!!! Stay strong.

    PS I saw you were looking at cute photos--read this! Unless you are trying to rest your brain because this will definitely overload the cute cortex!
    http://www.buzzfeed.com/expresident/can-you-get-through-this-post-without-squealing

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