My Inner Coward

My favorite photo of Chicago. Matt and my gummy bear race in his, Miriam and Nate's room. It's fun to laugh with friends that we've known since we were little. Matt & Nate lived next door since the time I was in middle school. I remember, from time to time - when I was lucky - getting rides home from school from the neighbor boys, saving me from the one mile walk along the dirt road. The Wight brothers. They were always down for a little basketball at their place, or mine, you would hear a ball bouncing and it was on. I have so many amazing memories in Friday Harbor. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and relive it all over again. Back to a time when my biggest concern was earning my driver's license.

I'm writing another post because I can't sleep. I feel like I have adrenaline bursting through my veins and nausea, along with dread, fear, and some sadness. I am one of those girls that is walking with the weight of the world on her shoulders. One of my favorite TV shows is called Parenthood. Dan can't stand it because it seems too realistic, but for me that's exactly what draws me in. One of my favorite things in life is watching human dynamics, and relationships, ebb and evolve. I'm in a vulnerable place right now, inching toward the knife, again attending appointment after appointment, MRI after MRI, reality into reality, deeper I go. In my show one of the characters has been diagnosed with breast cancer and the storyline stirs up so many emotions. It makes me confused, and reminds me of so many things. I find myself watching with tears running down my face. It feels cathartic and yet masochistic.

I am terrified of undergoing another brain surgery. I am scared for my head, all my little happily rebellious hair follicles, the scalp, the skin, the scar, the skull, the dura mater, the meninges, my brain tissue, oh wow, my poor body. Last time I went under the knife it was not an option. This time, I worry that I might regret walking into this. It could cure me but it could also kill me. That is a heavy burden and it's mine to bear. There are craniotomies performed all the time, hundreds perhaps thousands, I'm sure, most days of the week all over the country. I love hearing success stories, but unfortunately, I hear mostly those of horror. And with my history of complications, I feel as if I have plenty of reason to be concerned. I feel as if I am in my weakest point, that my warrior spirit is at an all time low. I'm still happy and enjoying my life, I'm laughing a lot, but deep in my soul it's stormy.

I don't need anyone to fluff me up and build my confidence if it isn't genuine, but if you could be strong for me, I would greatly appreciate it. I am unable to bear more than my load, and I'm sorry for that. I wish I could be stronger.

Scalpel, Skin, Saw, Skull

I've been mentally running around like a crazy person trying to plan this trip to UCLA. I have six different appointments already scheduled. I just got off the phone a little bit ago where the gentleman said that they won't schedule my post surgery pathology appointment because they will need to review the results and decide if they're going to recommend further treatment, like chemotherapy or radiation. Once they have their recommendation (hopefully NOTHING), they will decide if I need an appointment with Dr Liau or a specialist. Fingers crossed for just Dr Liau! Of course, I can always opt out of those treatments, but it's still a scary concept to acknowledge that the DNA of my tumor could have morphed into a higher grade. That's a very scary thought, one that only swims around the periphery of my mind, a possibility but not my current reality. It's important for me to not get caught up in the "what ifs." And anyway, I feel great! So there.

Can you believe I'm doing another brain surgery? It's almost exactly 2.5 years after the first one. That seems very quick, and yet, an entire lifetime. They're going to cut through my beautiful, unknowing, innocent little skull. They will use scalpels, a saw, and other tools. They will peal back my skin, pull off a portion of my skull. They will cut small nerves. They will dig around, separating the brain tissue and tumor. They will do all kinds of things, moving and removing things in the most intimate part of my body. They will be working on the area where my most inner thoughts and feelings, my genius and my ignorance are dancing. I speak of a brain surgery the way that most people discuss their grocery list, but here I am, getting quite serious. I guess it's time. After the last brain surgery, I never wanted to have to do another one ever again - and yet here I am CHOOSING do it. Crazy stuff.

I feel better than I have even from before the surgery, before the diagnosis. I hope that I don't have a major regression from the surgery, any type of set back - like death, or blood clot like last time - because I'm feeling fantastic, incredibly healthy, superhuman even :) I'm just so grateful for this opportunity, yet afraid as well. I mean, seriously, they're venturing into my brain. Yes. It's a big deal. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens. Gotta take risks in life in order to have success, and I do believe that this is an educated risk that very well might be the biggest success of my life. Why not believe that I can beat this? Why not believe that we can beat anything?

One of my favorite trees along Green Lake. I'm soaking up all of the beauty around the neighborhood, storing the images in my memory bank to fill me up while I'm gone in LA.

I love the flower memorial that has been continuously updated since they chopped down this sick tree along the lake. However, I'm quite confused because they're killing flowers in the process to recognize the death of the tree, doesn't that seem hilariously ironic?

Craniotomy, Not That Bad

I'm still sitting here playing the waiting game, which has its ups and downs. On the bright side, I get to spend the weekend with family and friends relaxing, and contemplating what a killer life I have (no pun intended). On the down side I just want them to saw open my head and dig this puppy out so that I can start recuperating.

With all the extra time on my hands I decided to start a fun new game...

Craniotomy, Not That Bad

#1. I have a very close friend whose son was born with Congenital Scoliosis. He's now almost four years old. His case is so severe that in the next 6 months to a year he will begin a series of surgeries on his spine that will occur every 6 months until he's around 16 years old. In the initial surgery he will have a rod placed at his spine, and then with every reoccurring surgery they will slightly extend the length of the rod until he's done growing. This poor little blond fella that looks like he fell off the Jerry Maquire movie case has no idea what's in store for him. His process is going to take over a decade just of surgery, let alone all of the other complications. Therefore, Craniotomy, not that bad.

#2. Another friend, Heather, has a daughter (Hayden) who survived a dresser and television falling on her skull. She was taken to the neurosurgery dept at Harborview Medical Center where a team of doctors had to brace her head, and do surgery by braille to locate a pea sized place in the dead center of Hayden's brain to relieve pressure so that she didn't die. Craniotomy, not that bad,

#3. My uncle Michael (not really an uncle, but one of my dad's best friends) shattered his femur in over 50 places back in the 70's in a mid-west snowmobiling accident. To repair his leg they placed him in traction (hooked up to a bunch of pulleys and wires, with screws placed in the bones once the pieces had been reattached) immobilized him in a hospital bed, and had his leg raised for three months while the bones fused. Wanting to be closer to his wife, they placed him in a full body cast and transferred him via hearse for 28 hours to get back to Seattle. Once in Seattle they immobilized him for another full month. Bedridden for four months. Craniotomy, not that bad.

#4. Another of my friends, Kristen, is trying to support her mother as one of her mother's best friends deals with the tragic news of a malignant brain tumor (almost certainly a death sentence, she was told). The woman is beginning to undergo chemotherapy and radiation. They don't know if she'll live. Craniotomy, not that bad.


Thanks to my friends and family for sharing their stories. There are so many situations that are much scarier, more painful, less hopeful, and more physically and emotionally taxing. We're a huge team of people on this Earth and we get through each challenge together.