I'm Back!

I've been writing and erasing this blog post for two days. I keep trying, but there's just so much that has happened. It's all overwhelming. There's so much to say, and yet I don't even want to think about it. On the other hand, I want to purge, to barf it all out and then maybe I'll feel better.

Thank you so much for being patient with me. The past few weeks have been a blur.

I've had an aura while shopping at Bed, Bath & Beyond and a small seizure the next day at Target while shopping for a new shower curtain and bath mat. Too bad I didn't figure out the connection until it happened twice. After that, I was home bound. I was lightheaded, dizzy, and slept 15-16 hours a day. I didn't leave the house for a week, and I was still incredibly dizzy and nauseous, but I was desperate to get to a counselor to talk about what happened. Instead of trying to get on two buses to get to the therapist, I scheduled a taxi. While I was riding in the taxi, we didn't get more than three blocks from my house, I had an aura. I desperately pleaded to the taxi driver to stop the car. He had been talking, and his accent was similar to my attacker's. I don't know if it was the stress from the moving vehicle, the light from the sunny day, the fact that I was headed to a counselor to talk about the incident, or the accent that put me over the edge. I asked the taxi driver to slowly get me home and I had to cancel the therapy session. I also rescheduled the appointment for the following day with the detective so that Dan could join me. I was afraid that I might have an aura, or a seizure, and I needed the moral and physical support of Danny. Dan knows tricks to stop an aura from turning into a seizure. He keeps ice water near me, puts the pills under my tongue, helps isolate me from bright lights, and sounds. He gently massages my scalp or temples, and gets me breathing regularly.

So, tomorrow morning, my dad and I are going to leave an hour early for a new counseling appointment. He will pull over if I'm dizzy or sick, or if I start to get vertigo (first step of an aura). We will give an hour to get 15 minutes, but I am determined to get mental help. For the first time in years, I really need professional help to get through this.

We've postponed the UCLA tests twice because we were afraid of my health situation, the stress could induce seizures. We were supposed to fly this Sunday and I would have the tests Monday, and Tuesday with a brain surgery on Thursday, but I am in no state for a brain surgery, let alone travel. We spoke via email with my fabulous neurosurgeon, Dr Liau, and told her everything. She agreed that it would be best to put off the trial until I'm back on my feet, when I'm emotionally, physically, and mentally healthy. At this point, we are expecting to continue the testing and brain surgery sometime in the middle of October. We feel that this will give me the time to get back to walking, then running, to leave the house and make it to the grocery store with company then finally on my own. I have not left the house alone since my first aura. I have not made it to a store since the seizure over a week ago. I just walked the lake with Danny for the first time two days ago. I am taking baby steps, and I'm still dealing with an incredible amount of stress due to the ongoing criminal investigation (not to mention our landlords who are friends with the maintenance man...things have been ugly).

I appreciate all of your support, so does Danny - and of course, my whole family. I will get through this, just like all of the other little things that I've conquered in the past. No one will keep me down. I have more health issues than most, but I know how to slowly work back into a normal state. In no time, I will be independent (able to leave the home alone), healthy, and happy again.

After my therapy appointment tomorrow morning, the sexual crimes detective is coming by for my statement. Tomorrow will be a HUGE day. More than once I have wished that I didn't have to report this crime, that I could just fall into a bottle of wine and never discuss what happened ever again. But I know that if I remain silent, this pervert will attack another woman in her home. And maybe next time it'll be worse. I never would have expected this man to hurt me in any way, and that, in my opinion, is the worst kind of offender. They make you feel safe, then once they gain your trust......

I've sobbed a bunch, and have been so confused, but I know that will survive this. This trusting island girl needs to recognize that there are very bad people out there, and sometimes your flags don't turn red. It makes me sad.

After such a serious post, I'd like to share a fun text message that made me laugh...

Big D Turns 34

Dan tuned 34 on Saturday, and above are the remnants from the celebration. It's fun having sweets around the house, they're so pretty! Baked goods are so feminine. They make me infinitely happy. I thought I'd be all over them like a little bunny on carrots, and that I'd have to throw them away, but oddly, after sharing two cupcakes on Saturday, I had my fill. Now, I'm sending Dan to work each day with goodies for the other boys. I used to bake all the time, but stopped when I got the big C. Ever since I learned that sugar literally kills, I've cut back in a big way. It's awesome having the cupcakes and brownies around the house because it makes me feel warm, that our home is cozy and inviting. There's something about baking that just feels right, even when I've read that it's so wrong.

Things are good over here. Like I've mentioned before, we've been more relaxed about my diet which has been a lot less stressful. I'm very curious to find out at the next MRI if the high doses of artemether & sulforaphane cancel out my relaxed diet and still shrink old Hermie. It's all such an ebb and flow, there's never definitive answers until each MRI. We're walking in uncharted territory for the most part. I'm of the mindset that if Hermie grows, it will be because of my lax restrictions of sugar (sweets, wine, carbs, or things of that nature).

We were incredibly hard core from October until January. It was precise, and calculated. I can only function like that for a short while. I have to be bad, and live like a normal human from time to time. Anyway, we'll find out if I've been enjoying myself too much in about six weeks. It used to unnerve me, drive me nuts, always worrying about my choices, but luckily, with this type of brain cancer I have a lot of leeway compared to the further stages. According to the World Health Organization, "Individuals with grade 4 astrocytoma have a median survival time of 17 weeks without treatment." Jeez. Seventeen weeks is just past four months. Death? Yikes. If I was in that situation I wouldn't even play around with cheating on my diet, but since I'm not, I'm living my life allowing some happy foods, not just eating for health, but also happiness. It has taken me a bit to relax, and I might find on April 19th that it was a mistake, but hey, if I don't try it I'll never know.

I feel confident that I can cure my brain cancer, even though it isn't often accomplished. I probably sound crazy to some, maybe even to most, but just because others have heart breakingly failed, at no fault of their own I might add, doesn't mean that I will. And when I do beat this, I will find a way to dedicate my life to help others survive.