Wednesday, July 25, 2012

I'm Back!

I've been writing and erasing this blog post for two days. I keep trying, but there's just so much that has happened. It's all overwhelming. There's so much to say, and yet I don't even want to think about it. On the other hand, I want to purge, to barf it all out and then maybe I'll feel better.

Thank you so much for being patient with me. The past few weeks have been a blur.

I've had an aura while shopping at Bed, Bath & Beyond and a small seizure the next day at Target while shopping for a new shower curtain and bath mat. Too bad I didn't figure out the connection until it happened twice. After that, I was home bound. I was lightheaded, dizzy, and slept 15-16 hours a day. I didn't leave the house for a week, and I was still incredibly dizzy and nauseous, but I was desperate to get to a counselor to talk about what happened. Instead of trying to get on two buses to get to the therapist, I scheduled a taxi. While I was riding in the taxi, we didn't get more than three blocks from my house, I had an aura. I desperately pleaded to the taxi driver to stop the car. He had been talking, and his accent was similar to my attacker's. I don't know if it was the stress from the moving vehicle, the light from the sunny day, the fact that I was headed to a counselor to talk about the incident, or the accent that put me over the edge. I asked the taxi driver to slowly get me home and I had to cancel the therapy session. I also rescheduled the appointment for the following day with the detective so that Dan could join me. I was afraid that I might have an aura, or a seizure, and I needed the moral and physical support of Danny. Dan knows tricks to stop an aura from turning into a seizure. He keeps ice water near me, puts the pills under my tongue, helps isolate me from bright lights, and sounds. He gently massages my scalp or temples, and gets me breathing regularly.

So, tomorrow morning, my dad and I are going to leave an hour early for a new counseling appointment. He will pull over if I'm dizzy or sick, or if I start to get vertigo (first step of an aura). We will give an hour to get 15 minutes, but I am determined to get mental help. For the first time in years, I really need professional help to get through this.

We've postponed the UCLA tests twice because we were afraid of my health situation, the stress could induce seizures. We were supposed to fly this Sunday and I would have the tests Monday, and Tuesday with a brain surgery on Thursday, but I am in no state for a brain surgery, let alone travel. We spoke via email with my fabulous neurosurgeon, Dr Liau, and told her everything. She agreed that it would be best to put off the trial until I'm back on my feet, when I'm emotionally, physically, and mentally healthy. At this point, we are expecting to continue the testing and brain surgery sometime in the middle of October. We feel that this will give me the time to get back to walking, then running, to leave the house and make it to the grocery store with company then finally on my own. I have not left the house alone since my first aura. I have not made it to a store since the seizure over a week ago. I just walked the lake with Danny for the first time two days ago. I am taking baby steps, and I'm still dealing with an incredible amount of stress due to the ongoing criminal investigation (not to mention our landlords who are friends with the maintenance man...things have been ugly).

I appreciate all of your support, so does Danny - and of course, my whole family. I will get through this, just like all of the other little things that I've conquered in the past. No one will keep me down. I have more health issues than most, but I know how to slowly work back into a normal state. In no time, I will be independent (able to leave the home alone), healthy, and happy again.

After my therapy appointment tomorrow morning, the sexual crimes detective is coming by for my statement. Tomorrow will be a HUGE day. More than once I have wished that I didn't have to report this crime, that I could just fall into a bottle of wine and never discuss what happened ever again. But I know that if I remain silent, this pervert will attack another woman in her home. And maybe next time it'll be worse. I never would have expected this man to hurt me in any way, and that, in my opinion, is the worst kind of offender. They make you feel safe, then once they gain your trust......

I've sobbed a bunch, and have been so confused, but I know that will survive this. This trusting island girl needs to recognize that there are very bad people out there, and sometimes your flags don't turn red. It makes me sad.

After such a serious post, I'd like to share a fun text message that made me laugh...


7 comments:

  1. From Big Sky Country healing thoughts and prayers go out to you. I hope that the support and prayers that so many of us send to you daily speed your recovery on all levels.

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  2. Jess you are so lucky to have such a loving father, mother and husband! They are as amazing as you are. Focus on their love at times of stress!

    Some families do not even speak to each other! You have an army of LOVE behind you!

    My prayers are with you always!

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  3. Jess, I've been so sad since I read your post about the attack. I can't imagine what you've been going through. I'm so sorry that you've had to go through this horrible experience. It's so not fair. Stay strong and keep positive. You will get through this.

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  4. "So Cal" PattiJuly 25, 2012 at 11:42 PM

    Oh Jess- I am SO happy to see you posting again! I really missed you, as I usually read your blog everyday, and have been SO concerned about how you are doing! Keep moving forward with your incredible spirit and the love of your wonderful husband, family and all of us that love you!!!

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  5. Jess - so happy to hear you are healing, however slowly it may be. Forward progress is forward progress. Follow your own timeline. Don't worry about any of us, or the blog, or anything else but your own recovery. Anyone who misses you only misses you because they care. As always, sending lots of love from NYC!!

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  6. Jess--I am so glad that you have such an amazing husband and family to carry you through this. I know there are some things that they, nor anyone else can do to get you through this horrible situation, but please be patient and kind to yourself. Words escape me in the face of all of this, but know that our little family on Orcas Island thinks of you (and your family) daily. Love, Marlis

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  7. Jess, you are the real badass, thanks for the rainbows in our coffee.
    John

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