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I cought this gorgeose tree turning. Isn't it magic?
All from one tree. Kind of life. Phases.

The toll of caregivers while living with a partner who is living with active disease. For Dan, that's 16 years. The exhaustion. The fear. The sacrifice.

He deserves every goodness, every bit of kindness. I absolutely would not be alive if not for the him. Or he wasn't so selfless, and gentle heart. As he continues to be.

I'm not sure where I'm headed with my health, nor do I know where I'm headed with my life, but what I do know is that I will live a life of living with cancer always. MRIs every month, or every two. Maybe a fifth brain surgery, maybe more radiation again, or chemo. This will always be my life, my daily reality. I will always be managing my seizures, and doctor appoitments. It's my only option, save giving up. And I'm too stubborn to give up. I hope I never change. 

I wish I was a normal woman, able to life an adult, fully but that's not my reality. A wish I was a "normie". Dear god have I tried. But when I've to live like like a normal person, eating whatever I wanted, lived like everyone else, my tumor grows so fast. 

I have to be research to teach myself what to for my brain. For example, did you know that if you get into ketosis and stay in it during brain radiation your survivor is exponotal? So I did that. I try to give myself every advatage to stay here, in this happy little vessel of my body so my soul can stay on earth. I love it here! 

PS my language issues are mostly from the hematoma that happened a week before radiation. I had several Grand Mal seizures, back to back to back, we couldnt stop them so I have had some icu stays peppered both jiust before, then while in treatment.

Anyway, thank god I had already done so much research so I had a plan to make my radiation as effective as possible. I'm definitely scared, sad, and I get lonely, but as my written words improve maybe I will be able to get back to my MSW to do the work I'm meant to do - help other cancer patients as they get diagnosis or recurrence. 

As always, I appreciate that you read this. It's a relief, and healing. And I think the more I try with my language I will improve so much better. So I guess you are my language therapy. Thank you! :)

Our Modern Life

 

This afternoon, Dan and I took a walk because it was so beautiful.

When Danny and I separated, I remember saying to him, there are now rules in how we create this. And that's true for everyone. We have agency in how we will treat another, speak to each other, what we want this to look and how it feels. 

I was diagnosed 16 years ago, and over that time there have been many chapters of my cancer, but there's been a lot of Dan's chapters too. As we came as two island kids who loved being friends, we created a beautiful life, and now we are two island kids back to have mutual respect and love. 

I'm not good at creating explaing this with the connecting of thoughts, and getting my brain connected in the way I wish I could, the proton radiation was extra strong in the helps of killing those tumors.

I imagine I will be writing much more on the blog. It's really important for me to express how I'm feeling during this, as the evolves, my health, what will happen. And it's great to challenge my brain to get back to where I once was.

Thank you for being patient with me, and for loving both Dan and me, it gives me great peace to know that we are supported.

Separation

Still here healing, step by step, word by word. Please forgive bad grammar and any miss spelling, I'm too exhahsted to fix it all.

I think people are starting to hear that Dan and I are been separated. In actuality been a couple of yrs. It's really heartbreaking, and I feel comfortable that Dan feels the same. Over time we both found our life goals are and how we spend our time daily, weekly, our goals, our hopes and dreams became diametric oppose. 

I still consider him one of my best friends, even though our connection is a different role.

Also, I apologist but I didn't get a lot of sleep (2.5 hours) last night so my language is poor and I'm too tired, let alone the proton treatment in my language area.

We still live in the same home which I am so grateful about. Unfortunately, I can't plan, or make longterm changes as we don't know if this treatment worked, or what steps are coming as I try to figure out how to mange the chess game of cancer. I am between 1 to 2 months MRIs based by what they see each time. It's really scary, but I don't have a lot of control other that try to soak in as much joy and beauty. I have bad days too, but I try not to stay there. 

I know I have left so much out that I would love to share but I can't even think. 

Thank you to everyone for loving both Dan and me. I never thought this is where we would be, I don't thought Dan did either, but life is has no map.

Love to everyone from both Dan and me. 

Sneaky Hidden Treatment

Hi everyone! I'm still here, still alive. Last June (yep, a year ago) we started watching another brain tumor area. 

I tried so many things to stop the growth, but eventually it became obvious I would need to take a medical leave from my masters program.

My health became significant and scary in January, and I started a treatment in February, completing in April.

Also my written language is exhausing please forgive me. I keep reading and trying to fix this but I'm going to have to hope that you can understand what I'm trying to make sense.

I believe my brain and my language will improve and I will get back to more that normal as I always do. 

I still probably won't respond but the comments on the blog make me feel less alone. That's my favorate place I can go back to and feel I have people that love me and they're cheering be on.

If you text, or call, or email I probably won't respond. It's too hard with the langulge struggles. It's just too exhausting.

I could have worked on this for a few hours or used AI to respond and create this blog post but that's never been how I do this. This is authenticly me and were I'm at.

Thank you for all of the love and support, and I'm sorry that I don't have any social media,  it just stresses me out.

I love everyone! :)

I'll send more updates here as I share what has happened over the past year, but it it's also exhashting so it will a slow burn probably. But this will be so good for my brain too!!

Thank you for being patient and loved. :)