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I cought this gorgeose tree turning. Isn't it magic?
All from one tree. Kind of life. Phases.

The toll of caregivers while living with a partner who is living with active disease. For Dan, that's 16 years. The exhaustion. The fear. The sacrifice.

He deserves every goodness, every bit of kindness. I absolutely would not be alive if not for the him. Or he wasn't so selfless, and gentle heart. As he continues to be.

I'm not sure where I'm headed with my health, nor do I know where I'm headed with my life, but what I do know is that I will live a life of living with cancer always. MRIs every month, or every two. Maybe a fifth brain surgery, maybe more radiation again, or chemo. This will always be my life, my daily reality. I will always be managing my seizures, and doctor appoitments. It's my only option, save giving up. And I'm too stubborn to give up. I hope I never change. 

I wish I was a normal woman, able to life an adult, fully but that's not my reality. A wish I was a "normie". Dear god have I tried. But when I've to live like like a normal person, eating whatever I wanted, lived like everyone else, my tumor grows so fast. 

I have to be research to teach myself what to for my brain. For example, did you know that if you get into ketosis and stay in it during brain radiation your survivor is exponotal? So I did that. I try to give myself every advatage to stay here, in this happy little vessel of my body so my soul can stay on earth. I love it here! 

PS my language issues are mostly from the hematoma that happened a week before radiation. I had several Grand Mal seizures, back to back to back, we couldnt stop them so I have had some icu stays peppered both jiust before, then while in treatment.

Anyway, thank god I had already done so much research so I had a plan to make my radiation as effective as possible. I'm definitely scared, sad, and I get lonely, but as my written words improve maybe I will be able to get back to my MSW to do the work I'm meant to do - help other cancer patients as they get diagnosis or recurrence. 

As always, I appreciate that you read this. It's a relief, and healing. And I think the more I try with my language I will improve so much better. So I guess you are my language therapy. Thank you! :)