Gotta Get That Bus App!

After writing that last post, instead of holing up with a ten pound bag of peanut M&Ms in bed (it helps to keep zero candy in the house) - which is what I wanted to do, I figured it was the perfect time to grab Emma and run the lake. When I'm cranky, or cold for that matter, Green Lake is the perfect mood enhancer.

It's crazy, but when I'm down and frustrated, exercising is literally the last thing I'm interested in, but I know it's the best thing for me. I have never finished a run with a bad attitude. Somewhere between lacing up my tennies, and the final strides slowing to a walk, I am transformed into a happier soul.

Just getting out of the house affords me the luxury of witnessing so many happy things. Yesterday, it was a man combing his two foot beard. Talk about awesome! There was the usual variety of dogs, and of course the lovers walking hand-in-hand. My favorite was the mommy group, spanning the entire path with their strollers like the front line of an army. They were gabbing like crazy and it made me smile. It was gorgeous yesterday, full of sunshine and crisp air.

When I got home, I started calling around to different doctors and finally made an appointment for that afternoon. I hopped in the shower, and wrote down directions. I walked to the bus stop and waited (I always get there early, just in case). When the bus pulled up I was playing on my phone, and quickly jumped up and hopped the steps paying the $2.25 toll. I walked to the back of the bus and got back on my phone. Danny recently gifted me his phone credit at Verizon so that I could get an IPhone. Apparently IPhone has an amazing bus app, which will help me get places. Unfortunately, I haven't downloaded it yet, because ten minutes into my ride I realized that I had gotten on the WRONG BUS!

I hopped off the bus, and knew where I was, but it was definitely waaaaaay off my path. So, I started walking, and called my mother. This is what always happens when I take the bus, I end up having to call someone who's at a computer to help me navigate my journey. I walked about thirty city blocks before my mom and I decided I needed to snag a taxi to make it to my doctor's appointment in time.

What I learned: Pay attention to the bus you're getting on. It will save you a lot of time, and money.

Luckily my doctor was running a little late and I had time to relax before the nurse took my blood pressure. She laughed hysterically when I gave her the full story and insisted that everyone has taken the wrong bus at least once in their early bus riding career. Aaaaah, just another day in the life of a new city girl.

Second moral of the story: Don't give up! I was able to make a doctor's appointment the same day, within my network of providers. I have a second appointment on Monday where I'll deal with the pooh issues. These two doctors are linked to UW so they can see all of my medical history and that's helpful too. During my annual exam (I figured I might as well start with that in my introductory appointment), the doctor asked how I was doing with the cancer. That was weird, but nice. She was supportive, and smiled. I told her that I'm trying to be as healthy as I can, and that I opted out of radiation at this point. She said with a smile, "I saw that." I wonder what the notes in my file say! Yikes! "Uncooperative little cuss" maybe? Anyway, my new doctor seemed to be on board, and thought that I have a healthy, happy attitude. Nice compliment!

I told her that I'm going to bring my body back to great health, rid myself of cancer, and that she'll see me someday when I ask her to remove my copper IUD. That someday, she will watch Danny and I start a family. Since the surgeries, Danny and I have cried several times over the thought of not being able to have a family together. I don't like to discuss it much with friends, or family, or on the blog. It's just such a deep and emotional issue, and along with that there are fears. I haven't always believed that I would get better. I wanted it, but I didn't truly believe. Now I do. I think that I just need to find the correct concoction of treatments.

I am sad to say that it used to be too painful to be close with my friends who were pregnant, or with new babies, but I'm happy to say that now I'm just ecstatic over the miracle of life. I love watching my friends start their families! I've come to peace, and my ugly jealousy and pain have disappeared. That's a very important and powerful change!

Radiation?

Took this while I was in our room waiting for results. Never the sight you want to see. A sober reminder of what we're going through. It's real. It's growing. It has grown a lot (for my type). They had been watching a section of tumor and it has almost doubled in size. They're also watching a different area that is a conglomerate of cancer cells. My radiation oncologist wants to start radiation. Since Danny was at work, I told the doctors that I needed to discuss the options with my husband. They were seriously upset that I'm not on anti-seizure medicine, but we held our ground (thanks mom & dad for helping my case!).

Right now, even though we all knew this was almost inevitable (other than a miracle), I still hoped I was doing enough to slow or stunt or even completely stop the growth. Apparently, I'm not.

Maybe I can't stop it. Maybe this is just my lot. It's scary and disappointing. I want to hunker down in a hole lined in down comforters. I want a thousand pillows surrounding me, and Dan engulfing me in his hug. I want the two of us to disappear and morph into a dreamland full of bunnies and kittens, and warm breezes.

Sorry if I don't answer the phone, or emails. I need to absorb this. Dan should be home from work soon and we'll need space. Thank you for understanding and thank you for all of the love. I appreciate all of the texts and emails, and posts on the blog. I'm floating above myself, blurry with confusion. What do I do next? What is right? Can I win? Can I beat this? I'm not going to give up, but I do need to regroup.