Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Radiation?



Took this while I was in our room waiting for results. Never the sight you want to see. A sober reminder of what we're going through. It's real. It's growing. It has grown a lot (for my type). They had been watching a section of tumor and it has almost doubled in size. They're also watching a different area that is a conglomerate of cancer cells. My radiation oncologist wants to start radiation. Since Danny was at work, I told the doctors that I needed to discuss the options with my husband. They were seriously upset that I'm not on anti-seizure medicine, but we held our ground (thanks mom & dad for helping my case!).

Right now, even though we all knew this was almost inevitable (other than a miracle), I still hoped I was doing enough to slow or stunt or even completely stop the growth. Apparently, I'm not.

Maybe I can't stop it. Maybe this is just my lot. It's scary and disappointing. I want to hunker down in a hole lined in down comforters. I want a thousand pillows surrounding me, and Dan engulfing me in his hug. I want the two of us to disappear and morph into a dreamland full of bunnies and kittens, and warm breezes.

Sorry if I don't answer the phone, or emails. I need to absorb this. Dan should be home from work soon and we'll need space. Thank you for understanding and thank you for all of the love. I appreciate all of the texts and emails, and posts on the blog. I'm floating above myself, blurry with confusion. What do I do next? What is right? Can I win? Can I beat this? I'm not going to give up, but I do need to regroup.

13 comments:

  1. I hope that your fears are answered with more love and a better plan than you could ever imagine! Your focus, perspective and hope inspire me every time I read this! You and your loves are on my mind and in my prayers!

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  2. "So Cal" PattiOctober 25, 2011 at 6:41 PM

    Don't give up Jess! I still believe in miracles and that one will come your way! You are loved and supported by so many of us! As my Step-Mother used to say- When things become too overwhelming, "quit swimming against the tide and just roll over and float"- the answers will come!!!

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  3. Love you Jess. I have been looking forward to our 11.4 Seattle trip because I get to see you and Danny.

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  4. Love you. Warmest thoughts going out to you and your family. ~Sara

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  5. Jess, thank you once again for your honesty. About all of it. No matter what you post here, we will continue to pray. All our love to you and Danny.

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  6. Oh Jess....don't give up and know we are always thinking about you, Danny and your families. Miracles do happen.
    All our love,
    Pete and Erin

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  7. Hi Jessica - I am new to your blog (I think I found you from the amazing piece you did for the WPIG auction). First - THANK YOU for sharing your journey with those that know you and those that don't. Your spirit and grace come through in every one of your posts.
    My brother was also treated at UW for a brain tumor (different kind) and I was blown away by their knowledge, their expertise, and most of all their genuine caring for each patient.
    My prayers and good thoughts are with you, and even though I don't know you, I look forward to being invited to your "I'm totally cancer free party" in the future.
    All my best,
    Ann

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  8. Hi Jess, you are always in my thoughts and prayers. I am so inspired by you...your strength, tenacity, love, honesty...you are awe inspiring. Keep the faith...stay strong...love you...

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  9. Keeping you and your family in our thoughts and prayers, Jess! Stay strong. xoxo

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  10. Jessie-
    Our whole family is praying for you! I wish you the most healing thoughts and am sending you a big hug! love you! Jo

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  11. Jess ~ Thinking of you so much and sending lots of prayers, love and good thoughts your way. You are one amazing lady... you inspire all those around you, even those who you've never met. Through the words in your posts your strength shines through. You can beat this thing, keep powering through. You're in my thoughts. ~ Petra

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  12. Lord Jesus Please help Jessica to bring her weariness to you,Her frustrations,may she lay them at your feet,her unanswered pain give them all to you,Lord Jesus I pray you will be Jessicas Hope and Salvation today.Your great provision is to Comfort her tired weary soul,there is no lonely place you have not visited,oh Jesus for you have been left alone.There is no love that does not have your signature, for love is the very essence of who you are oh Holy Father God, it is the breath of all the whole earth.Father come in close to Jessica in her hour of need,may she see you are her greatest need.In Jesus Precious compassionate Name. amen

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  13. We're thinking about you every day Jess. Sending you so much luv and positive healthful energy. A big huge hug for you and Danny. We love you guys. AJ and Matt

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