Thursday, October 13, 2011

Some Days

There is definitely a system to the sadness: three good days, one bad. I've been trying to jog around Greenlake to make my moods better, and it always works. The hardest step is the first one, out the door. There's a pulse; the path vibrates with heartbeats. I visualize a hum hovering over the runners, the walkers, the strollers, the bikers, a collective sound of conversations and thoughts. It's unintelligible, but that's perfect. Leave everyone with their privacy. 

My next MRI is mocking me, poking me with its' bony, skeletal finger. The last MRI showed some growth. Not enough to do anything, but some growth is too much. Each day, although I know that I have a brain tumor, I wake up and live my life. I walk downstairs, put the tea kettle on the burner, and wait for the whistle. Sometimes I leave the house, and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I take care of emails and important things, but other times I just don't have the energy. Even when I'm exhausted, I still like to think that I'm the same as any other person my age, but the truth is that I'm not. 

I am too tired to work. I'm too tired to take care of lots of things in my life. It is too much to deal with bills and email, and stuff. I'm sad that I can't do all of the everything I used to. I'm sad that I have a new version of normal. My head hurts. I'm scared. Some days I'm carefree, and others, like today, I'm just sad. 

It's hard to win this game. 

2 comments:

  1. Jess, I'm so sorry you're forced to play the game. Wish you could say, "I quit!" and do what is normal for a beautiful 31 year old. The sentence you wrote: "There's a pulse; the path vibrates with heartbeats." is so deeply affecting. It shows how sharp and aware you are of your surroundings and how the sadness you experience on some days sharpens your visuals and senses. No wonder you are such an honest writer. You bring us to our knees and remind us to appreciate all that we have. Love you.

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  2. I hope today is a better day for you. I had a sad day yesterday too. I was sad for Chris and his multiple sclerosis. He is taking himself off of his meds because of the negative reactions he is having to them. He feels this is the right approach. Because of the type of MS that he has, there is very little information to go by. Anyway......we all have those days. I hope today is different for you and that you can continue to see the beauty of your world.
    By the way...I get to meet Wade tomorrow. I am so excited! I can't wait to see Isla either, it has been far too long.
    Happy Friday Jess.
    Love, Leisa

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