Sunday, October 23, 2011

Emotional Eating

Bad foods cannot live in my house. I only have self control when I have no other option. Unfortunately, Danny and I bought Halloween candy on Friday, and I have been devouring it. I can't stop myself. It's horrible!! I think I'm emotionally eating because I'm scared for my MRI. It's not just the results, but also everything that comes with it, the needles, the IV, the contrast dye, the machine, the smells, the other people in the beds next to me (some with obvious recent surgeries, others not so easy to figure out), it's everything.

I am 80% sure that I will not do radiation even if they recommend it. I have heard over and over from all of the doctors, that radiation will not extend my life. They claim that it's supposed to improve the quality of my life, but looking at the seizure medicine and how they said the meds would improve my quality of life (what a joke), I feel like I have to do what feels right to me, not what the doctors say.

I had a nightmare the other night. I dreamt that doctors administered radiation while I wasn't paying attention. They concluded the radiation several months before I realized, and I didn't notice until I reached to feel the back of my head, quickly realizing when I had a massive bald area (it's very common for radiation to kill the follicles around the tumor area - often never growing back). When I woke up, I felt around on my head for any abnormalities, taking care to touch every single millimeter of scalp. I have incredibly vivid dreams, to the point where sometimes I don't know if I've dreamt something or it's a memory, so it was incredibly scary. I woke up sweaty and panicked.

Anyway, even though I'm pretty positive I will opt out of radiation (at any point), it's still scary and it obviously weighs on my subconscious. It's completely counterproductive that I gorged myself on Halloween candy. I wish I wasn't an emotional eater.

4 comments:

  1. I swear our thoughts and actions are identical sometimes. I am the healthiest eater ever . . . Unless I have any kind of temptation. Then all bets are off and the more I resist and mentally scold myself the more I shovel. Grr, it's so frustrating! Stupid delicious Halloween!!!!!! I am sorry you have to worry about it all. You WILL, however, rock your MRI. I am going to sleep tonight and dreaming about that!! :) Love you and miss you so much, friend.

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  2. Annie's right: you WILL rock your MRI!It should be Hallomean not Halloween or even Hallowean with all the candy tempation out there. So, you WILL rock the MRI and the docs with your amazing results Ms. Garlic Watercress Sulforapane! xoxo

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  3. Jess. When is the MRI? I can't remember and I want to make sure I am sending all my love on that day. HUGS. Sara
    P.S. I am an emotional eater too.

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  4. I'm a friend of Meghan's. She posted your blog on her FB page. I would like to join your fan club. :)
    This tumor thing is just SO WRONG!! Thanks for bearing your soul. That takes a lot of courage. Press on!! Lorrie

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