Removing The Unknown

I'm still bald-ish with the gnarly scar carved across my head. The scab is slowly disappearing, and things are definitely looking up.

Ever since this debacle started, specifically when I shaved my head, I was faced with the option to leave my head exposed or to cover my head with a scarf, hat or the possibility of a wig. When I'm home, or with close friends I leave my head exposed, but for the longest time while I was in public I left my head covered.

I was covering my head, not for myself, but for those around me. I was trying to avoid the stares and the uncomfortable reality about my situation. I also didn't want small children to run in fear (although the only child that's actually seen my head was more concerned about my "owie" and wasn't afraid in the least).

I've noticed that people stare while I'm wearing hats or other covers. They can already tell that I don't have much hair, and eyes just naturally gravitate toward my head. They don't mean to stare, they're just curious. They probably don't even mean to keep staring. It has to be confusing that I still have my eyebrows and eyelashes, so they know that I'm not going through chemo, yet I don't have much hair and there's definitely something going on.

As I've been grappling with this head situation I've been increasingly comfortable exposing my head, and I'm starting to walk around in public without hats, or scarfs. Without a cover on my head, people know that what they see is what they get. They can see that I've had some sort of traumatic surgery on my head and then they move on. In my own (very unscientific) study I believe people are more comfortable with the truth than the unknown. They want to know what's going on under my hat, and by removing the secret I am effectively taking away the unknown.

Little Leprechauns

I was just laying down for a nap, when it occurred to me that the pain around my head is from the fusing of nerve endings. At first, my whole left side of the head was numb (probably from the Oxycontin) and now it's slowly going back to normal. My left temple (where that jaw hinge is located) is tender to the touch and swollen, but the rest of my head is slowly gaining sensation. Hopefully my bite will come back to normal too. They had to sever some tendon on the left side of my jaw during surgery. It doesn't hurt, it's just a little inconvenient when I'm brushing my teeth and I have a harder time cleaning the roof and tongue because I can't get my toothbrush in there as easily. I'm now an open sandwich eater. I also have to act like a lady and cut things into bite sized pieces. No more jumbo burrito contests. Interesting that you'd have to unhinge the jaw, or that they would need to cut anything around my jaw. I wonder why they had to cut that area inside my head. I wish I had a video of my surgery. Huh.

I'm down to only two pills a day (a far cry from 42 pills a day), one at 8:00am and one at 8pm. It's only for preventing seizures. Yay! I'm still prescribed some heavy duty Tylenol but I try to avoid it as much as possible because I'm trying to clean out my system (my poor liver). I always thought wine would be my downfall, who would have thought it was going to be tumor cells. I honestly thought that my first ailment would be self inflicted. I thought I would have broken a bone, or maybe I'd get diagnosed with lung cancer from a couple of years of rebellion when I thought it was cool to smoke. I really never expected a tumor. All in all I've been a very healthy person. I'm a runner. I love vegetables. I take flax seed, fish oil, and spirulina. I was not expecting this. I guess you never do. At least I've done the best I can to always keep evolving. I continue to make healthier and healthier choices. I guess that's the best you can do.

Ugh. I'm exhausted. I was thinking about that fusing of nerve endings. I'll be laying in my bed sometimes and it will feel like pins and needles randomly on my head - not even close to the scar/scab. Sometimes I'll accidentally say out loud, "OUCH" - Danny looks at me like I'm crazy and then we laugh. It's almost like I've got little leprechauns driving the wheel in my head. I hate that saying, "This too shall pass" but I guess it's annoyingly true because that's all I can think about. This too shall pass.

Hair Envy

Pantene shampoo commercials are taunting me. I'm seriously starting to get hair envy. I've had long hair my whole life, and I'm starting to realize that it will take several years to get back to my normal hair. Ouch. It's the little things that ground you back into reality. Oh well. Worse things have happened...literally.

I wonder how my hair will grow out with this massive scar. I'm I going to be able to comb-over my scar like Donald Trump? I basically have a center part due to the scar, but I'm more of a side part kind of girl. I'm not going to lie, I seriously worry about my hair. Foolish, yes, but I am a woman, and us women want to feel attractive.

Seriously. What the heck am I going to do with this scar? The good news is that my makeup covers my braille face. And it's getting a lot better. I guess I need to deal with one crisis at a time. 

Did I mention that my first brain surgery was an awake craniotomy? I keep dreaming about the part of the awake surgery, the conversations, what it looked like, the whole thing. I've got to tell THAT story. Now, for a nap.