A New Version Of Normal

I feel like I've been pretty good about casting fear aside, maybe it's because I love a good challenge. Sometimes, though, challenges can mount and it becomes difficult to keep your chin up.

Although Danny and I went for a quarter mile walk the other day (I was craving cherries and there's a fruit stand nearby), I have yet to get back to running. I've been very dizzy, and apprehensive about pushing myself too hard. I feel like the seizure has brought on a whole new set of challenges. I don't know exactly what caused my seizure to occur. Most likely it was due to poor sleep habits and stress, maybe even low blood sugar levels, but there is no way to know for sure the exact cause. I don't really know how to avoid it. I feel very vulnerable. I wish a doctor could tell me I was allergic to wheat or something and the reaction was seizures. I would avoid all wheat products and go on my merry way. I feel like I'm trapped in a dark place, my hands are feeling around the walls searching for windows or doors, desperately hoping for any sliver of light to expose the correct decisions, the correct choices that will help me succeed.

I don't know how to methodically get back on my feet. I don't want to become stagnant, but I don't know the difference between a simple challenge and what is pushing too much.

Last night, although I'm not supposed to take baths for fear of a seizure and drowning, I asked my mother to hang out in her bedroom while I took a bubble bath in her tub. I thought it would be soothing and invigorating to overcome that fear. Instead, I was terrified and shaved my legs in record time. I continuously flashback to the tingling, the numbness, the curling of my fingers, wrists, arms, and then the violent shaking and screaming, then the nothingness. I remember feeling helpless, just before losing consciousness. I still feel helpless.

I have yet to cry since the seizure, and it's because I won't allow myself for fear that I may not be able to pull it back together.

I feel like my life has a new version of normal. My playing field has changed. I have new rules to live by. I can't even wrap my head around it.

Fear Of Reoccurance

I keep remembering how the doctors continuously told me that since I hadn't had a seizure yet, I probably wasn't going to have one. Unfortunately, no one can undo what has happened. As time goes on, and I continue to remember the horrible event that was my grand mal seizure, I seriously live in fear of a reoccurance.

Danny, and my parents keep reassuring me that in time, this will all be a bad memory. That the longer I go without another seizure, the better I will feel.

I imagine that my fears are similar to those who've been robbed at gun point, or maybe those who've experienced an earthquake. I feel unsure about what exactly happened, I remember the beginning, but I don't remember coming out of it and I don't know how I drove for 45 minutes afterward. I blacked out most of it.

Danny has helped me piece things together, and little by little, some flashbacks have occurred. The flashbacks are haunting, and scary. For example, I remember when my eyes were rolling back and I was staring at the ceiling of my car, just as I lost all vision, I remember hearing a guttural sound, a deep haunting moaning cry. It was a sound that I've never heard before, and it was coming from deep inside me. I couldn't stop it. It was as if the sound was vomiting out of me.

I don't remember anything after that. I feel like I should remember coming out of the seizure, or getting back on the road and driving. I don't remember Danny calling me while I was in Leavenworth passing through. All I could say was, "The weirdest thing happened to me. I can't explain it. I don't even understand." I guess I sounded far away and slow with my speech. Danny asked me where I had been, that I should have been home by then. He asked me to drive home and call when I got to my house. About thirty minutes later as I was coming into Wenatchee, I called Danny and told him that I thought maybe I had a seizure or something. I started to remember pulling off of the road, and some of the details. Then I told him that my right side was numb, and he told me to call my parents to come pick me up. I pulled over and called my parents and when they arrived I told them that I was so proud that I had called them first, not Danny because Danny wouldn't be able to come get me anyway. I didn't even remember that I had spoken to Danny twice already.

Anyway, when my dad arrived, he pulled me from my car and placed me to into the passenger seat, I was dragging my right foot and leg. I remember once I had my IV in at the ER, I had a splitting headache and I was wildly confused. Both my mom and dad joined me on either side of my gurney. All I wanted to hear was old stories of my brother, Kaal, and me as children. I wanted to hear about our vegetable garden, and our animals. Mostly I wanted to hear about how Kaal would read to me and tell me stories. How Kaal would take me frog hunting and fishing. I don't have memories of my childhood without my brother, they go hand in hand. I guess I needed to find my happy place.

I'm still trying to find that place. I'm still scared about what happened. More and more, my body is manifesting fear about the seizure. It's in flashbacks, irregular heartbeats, and an overall high blood pressure. I'm trying to stay calm and relax, but I'm overwhelmingly traumatized by having that grand mal seizure while alone. I don't trust my body to take care of itself. That my friends, is incredibly frustrating. I don't want to lose my freedom to live alone, but at the same point, I don't know if I trust myself to take care of myself. That is a horrible place to be.

Also, please note, I am obviously grateful to be alive today having the good fortune of having an "aura" that a seizure was coming on, causing me to pull over. Please always remember my story, every single time you drive. You absolutely never know what is happening in the cars around you. Please don't assume that all people are safe and that the cars around you are safe. My dad likes to say that the safest drivers are the ones that assume that every other driver is out to kill them. It terrifies me that I could have hurt or even killed someone. Please, please, please look out. You absolutely never know what's going on in the cars around you.

MRI & Seizure Changes

Here we go, I borrowed danny's fancy phone, and i'm punching keys like a two fingered sloth.
The mri shows some new growth. They're not going to radiate right away though.

Due to the seizure, my license has been revoked. I can not drive for six months. I have to show zero seizures for six months. If i have one, the timeline starts over.

I will be on antiseizure medicine for the rest of my life.

No swimming either. I have to get used to having all kinds of limitations.

I feel bad. This past weekend danny and i signed our marraige certificate just in time for my body to start falling apart. Now i wont even be able to go visit him.

Things can sure change quickly.

Maybe i need a Rascal, you know those little wheelchairs? I don't know how else im going to survive.

First Seizure

I had my first massive seizure yesterday while driving. I'm too tired to share the whole story. I'll write more later. Scary stuff. No more driving for me.