Tuesday, July 19, 2011

A New Version Of Normal

I feel like I've been pretty good about casting fear aside, maybe it's because I love a good challenge. Sometimes, though, challenges can mount and it becomes difficult to keep your chin up.

Although Danny and I went for a quarter mile walk the other day (I was craving cherries and there's a fruit stand nearby), I have yet to get back to running. I've been very dizzy, and apprehensive about pushing myself too hard. I feel like the seizure has brought on a whole new set of challenges. I don't know exactly what caused my seizure to occur. Most likely it was due to poor sleep habits and stress, maybe even low blood sugar levels, but there is no way to know for sure the exact cause. I don't really know how to avoid it. I feel very vulnerable. I wish a doctor could tell me I was allergic to wheat or something and the reaction was seizures. I would avoid all wheat products and go on my merry way. I feel like I'm trapped in a dark place, my hands are feeling around the walls searching for windows or doors, desperately hoping for any sliver of light to expose the correct decisions, the correct choices that will help me succeed.

I don't know how to methodically get back on my feet. I don't want to become stagnant, but I don't know the difference between a simple challenge and what is pushing too much.

Last night, although I'm not supposed to take baths for fear of a seizure and drowning, I asked my mother to hang out in her bedroom while I took a bubble bath in her tub. I thought it would be soothing and invigorating to overcome that fear. Instead, I was terrified and shaved my legs in record time. I continuously flashback to the tingling, the numbness, the curling of my fingers, wrists, arms, and then the violent shaking and screaming, then the nothingness. I remember feeling helpless, just before losing consciousness. I still feel helpless.

I have yet to cry since the seizure, and it's because I won't allow myself for fear that I may not be able to pull it back together.

I feel like my life has a new version of normal. My playing field has changed. I have new rules to live by. I can't even wrap my head around it.

4 comments:

  1. Jessica....get some help with processing all this...there's a lot going on in several different arenas in your life and talking with someone who is not emotionally involved is sometimes very helpful.....someone who can help you sort stuff out and prioritize. Fear is your greatest enemy right now...it's invisible but present. You can't control the tumor but there are ways to deal with the fear....I love you, Jennifer

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  2. I agree with Jennifer- it might be helpful to talk with someone. I have let fear take over and wreck many of my 62 years. Be gentle on yourself!

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  3. Jess I agree with Jennifer and So Cal Patti. So much has happened to you in so short a time that no one who is emotionally involved knows what to say or try to do to help you. Your family loves you so much they'd do anything, anything in the world to make this just go away, and you know this and then you don't want to burden them and it's a vicious circle. Getting a pro involved to talk to could give you some peace of mind and ways to calm some of the fear. You deserve some peace of mind. Know you are deeply loved and being prayed for. xoxoxoxo

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  4. Next time you get the urge to cry just go for it.... It actually feels bad and good at the same time... letting the built up feelings express themselves.
    Wes

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