Monday, July 18, 2011

Fear Of Reoccurance

I keep remembering how the doctors continuously told me that since I hadn't had a seizure yet, I probably wasn't going to have one. Unfortunately, no one can undo what has happened. As time goes on, and I continue to remember the horrible event that was my grand mal seizure, I seriously live in fear of a reoccurance.

Danny, and my parents keep reassuring me that in time, this will all be a bad memory. That the longer I go without another seizure, the better I will feel.

I imagine that my fears are similar to those who've been robbed at gun point, or maybe those who've experienced an earthquake. I feel unsure about what exactly happened, I remember the beginning, but I don't remember coming out of it and I don't know how I drove for 45 minutes afterward. I blacked out most of it.

Danny has helped me piece things together, and little by little, some flashbacks have occurred. The flashbacks are haunting, and scary. For example, I remember when my eyes were rolling back and I was staring at the ceiling of my car, just as I lost all vision, I remember hearing a guttural sound, a deep haunting moaning cry. It was a sound that I've never heard before, and it was coming from deep inside me. I couldn't stop it. It was as if the sound was vomiting out of me.

I don't remember anything after that. I feel like I should remember coming out of the seizure, or getting back on the road and driving. I don't remember Danny calling me while I was in Leavenworth passing through. All I could say was, "The weirdest thing happened to me. I can't explain it. I don't even understand." I guess I sounded far away and slow with my speech. Danny asked me where I had been, that I should have been home by then. He asked me to drive home and call when I got to my house. About thirty minutes later as I was coming into Wenatchee, I called Danny and told him that I thought maybe I had a seizure or something. I started to remember pulling off of the road, and some of the details. Then I told him that my right side was numb, and he told me to call my parents to come pick me up. I pulled over and called my parents and when they arrived I told them that I was so proud that I had called them first, not Danny because Danny wouldn't be able to come get me anyway. I didn't even remember that I had spoken to Danny twice already.

Anyway, when my dad arrived, he pulled me from my car and placed me to into the passenger seat, I was dragging my right foot and leg. I remember once I had my IV in at the ER, I had a splitting headache and I was wildly confused. Both my mom and dad joined me on either side of my gurney. All I wanted to hear was old stories of my brother, Kaal, and me as children. I wanted to hear about our vegetable garden, and our animals. Mostly I wanted to hear about how Kaal would read to me and tell me stories. How Kaal would take me frog hunting and fishing. I don't have memories of my childhood without my brother, they go hand in hand. I guess I needed to find my happy place.

I'm still trying to find that place. I'm still scared about what happened. More and more, my body is manifesting fear about the seizure. It's in flashbacks, irregular heartbeats, and an overall high blood pressure. I'm trying to stay calm and relax, but I'm overwhelmingly traumatized by having that grand mal seizure while alone. I don't trust my body to take care of itself. That my friends, is incredibly frustrating. I don't want to lose my freedom to live alone, but at the same point, I don't know if I trust myself to take care of myself. That is a horrible place to be.

Also, please note, I am obviously grateful to be alive today having the good fortune of having an "aura" that a seizure was coming on, causing me to pull over. Please always remember my story, every single time you drive. You absolutely never know what is happening in the cars around you. Please don't assume that all people are safe and that the cars around you are safe. My dad likes to say that the safest drivers are the ones that assume that every other driver is out to kill them. It terrifies me that I could have hurt or even killed someone. Please, please, please look out. You absolutely never know what's going on in the cars around you.

1 comment:

  1. Jess - wrapping you with love and positive thoughts. You are a brave and amazing woman.


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