Moan & Gripe With Me

Last night, while I was in the shower, I started thinking about how goofy I am. Instead of being excited about the jog halfway around the lake, and concurrent walk the rest of the way home, I was disappointed in myself. What the hell? How backward is that. Instantly, I started laughing to myself and changed my thinking. Exercise is exercise. I flashed back to the days I was in the ICU. I remembered the paralysis on my right side. I remember not being able to walk more than a few steps without being winded and exhausted. I remember months of slowly training to start jogging again, and eventually, my first 10k. I have everything to be grateful about. I might get tired, and yes, that's disappointing, but I'm still here. I'm still nourishing my body with nutrients, sleep, exercise, meditation, and cognitive challenges like reading. My mind and body may be tired from time to time, but they are also the most healthy they've ever been. Sometimes, more doesn't mean better. I don't have to run five miles to get the same results. I just need to do quality exercise, breathe deeply, use it to rejuvenate my mind, and be grateful for the opportunity to work my body. There was a time when nurses told me I might never jog again. I have happily proved them wrong. When I'm down or frustrated, I have to remind myself that, if there's a down side, there's always an up side. I already feel better. Still tired, but much happier! And that's what it's all about :)

Last night Danny got a kick out of my study session. I've been reading the book, Cancer: 50 Essential Things To Do, by Greg Anderson and taking notes. I'm researching the way to navigate through this diagnosis, and learn from survivors. I figure, those who have fought the cancer fight, have learned things about attitude, nutrition, spiritual well being, and much more. The only way to be successful is to learn from others and use a whole body and mind approach. Anyway, I didn't realize he was taking a picture - he thought I looked "pretty cute" all wrapped up in furry blankets. Danny calls me a pillow monster. I somehow manage a way to turn our bed into a mass of pillows, and fluffy blankets. I like my nooks to be cozy and safe.

Just before bed, after I turned out my lamp, I stretched out, closed my eyes, and pictured my body hovering above. I just wanted to picture my body and see what it looks like in my mind's eye. The moment the image appeared in my mind, I noticed there was a light blue, and medium turquoise blue color surrounding my body. It morphed and phased into white light, then pale blue, white, pale blue, finally resting on white as it surrounded my body. The colors oscillated around the peripheral of my body - with no particular section of interest. It was really interesting. It felt good. It felt positive.

I believe that I can make myself healthy, with help from western medicine, alternative treatments, nutrition, spiritual well being, stress regulation, exercise, attitude, and enough sleep. I'm realizing that there's a lot of dedication needed, but it's all for a great purpose, and it helps me excel in all areas of life. Sure, I would love to be sipping on a mammoth goblet of red wine, nibbling on truffle-infused sheep cheese, but seriously, who cares (and someday on a special occasion.....). We can't do everything we want, eat whatever we want, and have whatever we want. That's life. The most important thing to remember is that I have the opportunity to earn my health, and each time I earn something, each time I meet a goal, I'm fulfilled and proud of myself. I just have to give this more time so that I end up looking at this as a lifestyle and not a diet or temporary thing. There will be times when I can take it easy, but I need to earn it. This whole body approach is proven to improve overall health, and that's my goal. I have to stay focused and enjoy the positive effects of the changes in my life since my last MRI. My skin is clear, my weight is down to 140. I'm more calm, and my headaches are minimal. Of the 43 days since making these changes, I've only had 3 or 4 days of headaches. That's amazing.

This diet is not what most people choose to do with their lives. It's quite extreme. But, unfortunately, it's how we should all be eating. I wish it wasn't the case. I wish we could eat sourdough, homemade pizza, jelly, cookies, and all the yummy, white carb, white sugar foods that taste so delicious. The sad truth that no one wants to acknowledge (because it sucks) is that sugar (other than in whole foods) is very bad for you. White flour is very bad for you, white potatoes are bad for you, and table salt is bad for you. If there are ingredients in your foods, you should try not to eat them. Foods should be coming from the source. The problem is that people are busy, or tired, or it's expensive, or whatever. Usually, it takes someone getting sick to change their ways. Sometimes, even then, people don't change. I'm not saying that I can cure this brain cancer just with food choices. I wish that were true - and who knows, maybe I could, but the point is that we need to give our bodies a fighting chance. A platform to succeed. Even if you can't seem to give up all of the bad stuff, just try to cut back. You don't have to be as extreme as I am. Start small. Choose oatmeal over cereal. Choose a spinach salad over iceburg lettuce. Choose a quinoa salad over a potato. Choose brown rice over pasta. Choose steamed broccoli over honey carrots. Choose vegetable soup over clam chowder. Avoid the bread basket. You always have a choice. You DO have the will power if it's important to you. Make your health your priority. If I can do it (even though I moan and gripe), you can do it too. Moan and gripe with me!

Empowering Books

I feel like a chicken with its' head cut off. I think it's pretty normal to go a bit crazy after a bad sickness, and I'm no exception. After 10 days of laying in bed, I went nuts yesterday and conquered too much. It was just so nice to be able to get up and goof around. I've not only started back up on my artemisinin pills, I also laced up and jogged the lake too. While I was jogging, I swung by the Green Lake Library to get a long over due library card (pun intended). While there I randomly picked up two amazing books.

About two weeks ago I realized that people survive cancer all the time, beating the odds and surprising doctors. It's something that I knew, peripherally, but somehow it hadn't completely sunk in, the concept just wasn't quite tangible. I started to think about it though, the other day. I wondered how people are doing it, how are they outsmarting their cancer? Ever since this diagnosis, I've been trying to find my way, slowly figuring out the way to win. Apparently, I'm not the only one who has looked to survivors for guidance. The first book I picked up at the library is called, Cancer: 50 Essential Things To Do, by Greg Anderson. This book, although I'm only a few pages deep, has completely changed my life. The author was diagnosed with a nasty metastasized lung cancer and given only 30 days to live. Crazy, huh. Anyway, Greg was pretty upset for a few days, but then he realized that people beat cancer all the time, and it became his mission to listen to other survivors, trying to figure out the common threads of action. I recommend it to anyone fighting cancer, and also for anyone in the inner circle of support. It's so well written, so real, and truly, it's an inspiration, a motivation, and I just can't say enough about it.

The other book I found is called, Brain Surgeon, A Doctor's Inspiring Encounters with Mortality and Miracles, by Keith Black, MD. It's a neurosurgeon, his life story, his surgeries and his perspective on things. A sentence in his book, in one instant, helped me realize that my brain is elegant (a word that I never would have used to describe my brain, yet fits perfectly). He is completely fascinated by the brain, and as he speaks about tumors and the brain, he helps me fall in love with the big grey squiggles upstairs. 


Both books are empowering and positive. I'm so grateful that I can read again. I still can't conquer books the way I used to, but hey, reading is reading no matter how slow. The recovery from the brain tumor is recent enough that I can imagine life without being able to read. I remember the frustration of not understanding the concepts written on paper. I remember the lack of understanding with dialog and accents. I'm SO HAPPY to be able to read and understand written word. I will never take that for granted again. It's amazing how much reading energizes my soul and catapults me to a whole new mental state. Once you read something, you're a changed person. You've evolved. I love evolving.