Between A Hard Place & A Hard Place

Hi Friends. I am sorry that I haven't written in a bit. I've been depressed. I've been trying to get my butt in gear here and there, but for the most part I haven't had the energy to do much. I've been pretty shaken up by Ethan's death, then Kathi Goertzen's death which was technically due to pneumonia but was truly a complication from her brain tumor. A few days after that I heard that Tony Scott the famous director killed himself allegedly because he was diagnosed with inoperable brain cancer. When I heard that he jumped to his death I thought to myself, "Does he know something I don't know? How bad will this get? Will I regret this journey?" The concept of death has been swirling around me. It's in the air in each room slowly suffocating me. Each time it nudges me, I turn my head and try to ignore what it whispers in my ear, but just trying to ignore Death's comments have zapped me of all energy.

The worst part about the whole thing is that I'm incredibly healthy (other than Hermie obviously). I have EVERYTHING going for me. I have a fabulous life with a wonderful man whom I adore. I have a safe home. I have wonderful friends and a great family. I get it. Conceptually, I understand my great fortune. But, sometimes, I get torn between fear of the monster in my brain, about the projected future of my disease and denial. I can't seem to live in just one life (fear) or the other (denial). Instead I oscillate, fighting, fulling knowing that I if I don't accept the truth of my situation (whatever that means) I'll crumble. And that makes me frustrated. Life is too short to fall apart, and I hate that I'm in this predicament - not the tumor part, but the fact that I can't seem to come to peace with it these days. There's no point in being upset that I have brain cancer, I can't wish it away - but I can try and heal myself with healthy eating, exercise, supplements, and perhaps the clinical trial. But when I'm depressed, I don't feel like taking my pills. I don't feel like leaving the house. I don't feel like dealing with anything. I don't want to talk, or write, or socialize. And that's not me. I hate it when I'm not me. But I don't know how to fix it. People have mentioned anti-depressants, and I appreciate the suggestion, but anti-depressants have been linked to gliomas (they're not sure if it's correlation or causation) and that terrifies me. I feel anti-depressants aren't an option.

Ferry ride to FH

Share The Love

Just this afternoon, I found out that a high school friend passed away over the weekend. A week ago, Ethan sent me a message letting me know that he read the blog from time to time and that he felt inspired by what I write, and what I'm going through. I was shocked by the message, and incredibly moved. I have felt so vulnerable, and to get his love and support helped empower me. Please remember that in just a few sentences, a few words, a little message or note, you can completely change someone's future. I'm not saying this for my sake. I'm not asking for people to send me messages. I'm sharing this story with you so that Ethan's love can be spread to others. Please take a moment to remember how quickly life can change. Please decide to say the things that you've been meaning to say. A small kindness, that takes only a few moments, can ultimately change the direction of another person's life. Words are powerful.

Wes & Ethan Edholm

I learned that we lost Ethan this afternoon, and this evening I learned that we lost Kathi Goertzen, the local anchor woman. She had been battling brain tumors for the past 14 years. Today is a crisp reminder to cherish each moment, each friend, each love, each family member, the cool breeze, the scent of summer air, each bumblebee and gorgeous green leaf. Please take a moment to read this, then close your eyes and take a deep a breath - slowly inhaling as much as you can. Savor the smells around you, they might be sweet, of fresh air, or the pungent scent of a stagnant dinner. Either way, you're alive; remember that you're lucky. Don't miss the opportunity to relish each moment, life goes by so quickly. Instead of having regrets, share the love in your heart. You will be glad that you did.