Triannual MRI

I've been feeling vulnerable for so long. And truly sad.

My heart has been raw.

I haven't been able to write because I couldn't pretend. The whole point of the blog has been to have an outlet. It's where I can be me, but I never expected it to grow like this, and it puts me in a unique position. Sometime this summer the blog surpassed 1,000,000 hits. 

It's flattering, and terrifying. My stomach just cramped with the thought.

With that understanding, how do I write my feelings, my hopes, my dreams, my pain, the details of my life? I mean REALLY be authentic? 

I have so much to tell, the missing links in my life. I would love to get it off my chest, to share my truth, but I can't do it. 

And it suffocates me.

It's been a very challenging year, full of heartache, and family drama. And it hurts daily. 

Maybe just stating that truth will give me some peace.

Fortunately, I've been seeing a therapist weekly for months, and months, and she's helping me navigate this dynamic life full of oddities that involve living with cancer, going through treatments, recovering from the damage from surgery, the emotional toll of facing Death all the time, the complicated family relations. And with all of that, I'm trying to stay present, and happy, while understanding that my life is not what I dreamt it would be (kids, career, driving a car, being able to handwrite, type, trim my own nails, etc.) And I'm losing too many of my cancer friends, like Crush. I mourn that loss everyday. 

Sometimes I overthink, and wonder why I'm even here. 

It's a lot of heavy stuff.

So that's where I've been. And Saturday, I have my brain MRI. I'll let you know how it pans out.

Thank you for listening, and your patience while I have been unable to write or respond. I really appreciate your kindnesss/patience!

xo

Current MRI Results

Last night we got news that my MRI scan (taken a week and a half ago) showed stable results. There's scar tissue, which is to be expected, but because of the fabulous pathology from surgery, and these results, they are not necessarily pushing radiation and chemo at this point. Yay!!!

My next MRI will be in three months, which means I'm safe to heal and continue to recover from surgery, and have some fun!

I've resorted to using my left hand for most things, and my handwriting is atrocious, but I am having so much fun focusing on what I CAN do, rather than what I can't.

When my lymphs started retreating after two weeks of antibiotics, my GP prescribed 4 more for a total of a month and a half. I'm about halfway through and these little nuggets are clearing up! So, maybe this ISN'T some sort of new cancer. Thanks for putting that in my head, Mrs Ear, Neck & Throat Dr.

When I spoke to my neurosurgeon last night about the MRI results, we also discussed the enlarged lymph nodes, and the antibiotics, then she told me about a recent patient who she had to operate on because of a brain abscess. The patient had previously undergone a craniotomy years prior. Point is, the abscess was from a severe long term sinus infection. Wait, what? That can happen!?

It looks like people who have undergone brain surgeries have increased chance of sinus infections. What if I wouldn't have read that report and asked for antibiotics? I was seriously headed for a brain abscess! Frick, that's terrifying!!! I seriously love my brain surgeon, but I DO NOT want to do another brain surgery ever again.

The swelling in the lymphs has not completely resolved, but the fact that they're abating, is huge! As my surgeon, and GP point out, lymphomas do not get smaller with antibiotics. I am so grateful that I dug deeper, that I didn't shutdown when the ENT doc cavalierly threw around the word "cancer". I hope this infection continues to resolve, and that this turns out to be a cautionary tale about personal advocacy and ownership. I wish we didn't have to work this hard to find answers, and heal our bodies, to protect our health, but no one knows your body like you do. And no one has as such a vested interest, that's for sure.

Feet in the sand today, was like coming up for air.