Thursday, November 2, 2017

Triannual MRI

I've been feeling vulnerable for so long. And truly sad.

My heart has been raw.

I haven't been able to write because I couldn't pretend. The whole point of the blog has been to have an outlet. It's where I can be me, but I never expected it to grow like this, and it puts me in a unique position. Sometime this summer the blog surpassed 1,000,000 hits. 

It's flattering, and terrifying. My stomach just cramped with the thought.

With that understanding, how do I write my feelings, my hopes, my dreams, my pain, the details of my life? I mean REALLY be authentic? 

I have so much to tell, the missing links in my life. I would love to get it off my chest, to share my truth, but I can't do it. 

And it suffocates me.

It's been a very challenging year, full of heartache, and family drama. And it hurts daily. 

Maybe just stating that truth will give me some peace.

Fortunately, I've been seeing a therapist weekly for months, and months, and she's helping me navigate this dynamic life full of oddities that involve living with cancer, going through treatments, recovering from the damage from surgery, the emotional toll of facing Death all the time, the complicated family relations. And with all of that, I'm trying to stay present, and happy, while understanding that my life is not what I dreamt it would be (kids, career, driving a car, being able to handwrite, type, trim my own nails, etc.) And I'm losing too many of my cancer friends, like Crush. I mourn that loss everyday. 

Sometimes I overthink, and wonder why I'm even here. 

It's a lot of heavy stuff.

So that's where I've been. And Saturday, I have my brain MRI. I'll let you know how it pans out.

Thank you for listening, and your patience while I have been unable to write or respond. I really appreciate your kindnesss/patience!



  1. Oh Ms Brooks, you are a joy to my heart, you are much loved, you are special, you are a delight, you are my baby girl, you are gifted, you are beautiful, you are witty, you are brave, you are funny, you are sweet, you are full of life, you are smart, you are loving, you are special. And I am truly grateful that you are in my life. I love you always and forever. Mom

  2. Dear Jessica, there are so many hits because we all care about you not even seeing you personally. I check your page 2-3 times a day hoping to see updates. And please share, it does help to vent out most time. I personally tried and it helped. Sending you Russian positive energy. :)

  3. Bless you, Dan & family. Prayers, love & thoughts daily but understand you need to do what is best for you. Yes, we all care & want to hear but if you need to take a break then do not ever ever feel guilty for doing it. We are not walking in your shoes so cannot fully understand. We may have been through similar life events but it's different for each person. Thank you for your message, Jessica. I hope you are able to not feel an obligation to blog if you don't feel like it. Thank you for going to let us know about your MRI. Lord bless dear one

  4. You are the strongest and bravest person we've ever known, Jess. And no one should be saddled with this. Especially you. It's just not right. We love you more than you know and think of you every single day. We've backed off a bit, as we figured it was the case, but boy, are you in our hearts daily. Always here to listen. Just to listen. We love you big, Jess. All our love from NYC. Steph and John

  5. Your blog was recommended by a friend when my husband was diagnosed with GBM. I wanted to be an advocate, shout from the rooftops... but it becomes part of your entire life, and effects and colors your relationships. We have young children, so we decided to live, and answer questions honestly if they come (which is less than you'd think, even with Optune). It's hard sometimes, but other times freeing, especially for my husband. He has given himself permission to do what makes him happy more often than before. I am wishing you the same peace.

  6. Friendship sends you small bits of courage to face what others cannot imagine. Hold tight those who love you. That is the blessing.
    Your friend, Toni

  7. Hey Jessica, I am just happy to know you are still here. I am amazed at your ability to stay positive and always lean towards living. Not being able to write has got to be frustrating. Have you tried just using your iPhone to transcribe what you are saying? Make a nice long note and have Dan edit it for you. Then we can join you in your fight!Keep breathing, keep walking, keep moving. Don't stress over your next MRI, the only thing you can control right now is you so just do what you can.
    Love and Light

  8. Dear Jess, I read the blog and I think I have troubles (I do have some big ones - way big). You inspire people to keep fighting, keep trying, keep smiling. Thank you for that. God bless you, and God has bless us that you share your story with so many people who see a light shining in the darkness.

  9. Jess - It's your honesty, humility, your imperfection, that helps the rest of us feel ok with our mixed up, ever changing, challenging lives. The way you keep picking up the pieces helps us, just to know you're there, imperfect, confused, overwhelmed like the rest of us. It's all ok, your tender heart, your beautiful soul, your precious brain, we can't help it, we just love you so. No matter what kind of mess you perceive yourself or your life to be, to me you are a star, a gift, a treasure, a teacher, on this tremendous, treacherous, wild journey called life. I will always appreciate the way you harvest all the worth, all the lessons, all the growth, all the love you possibly can. You are an imperfect masterpiece, as we all are. I will whisper to the angels to move in close to you, to ease your burdens, to infuse your being with all the peace and healing that they can share with you. So many of us who have walked beside you (through your story, your blog) just love you to the moon and back and that is forever and always, no matter what. love, C.


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