Nature's Heartbeat

"Life is occupied with perpetuating itself and surpassing itself; if all it does is maintain itself, then living is only not dying."

That quote is from a random book I read over the weekend while staying at George & Diane Steed's guest house in Friday Harbor (my brother's wife's grandparents). I can't remember the name of the author, but I'm pretty sure the book is titled Voluntary Simplicity, or something similar of that nature. Reading it, as it was published before the mass of home computers and cell phones, was fascinating. In fact, the Steeds are facinating. The guest house had no TV, no radio, not even a clock, and I loved it. You could hear the crashing of waves from time to time, as they're out on the north end of the island just off the water, and it felt like a heartbeat; that I was snuggled safely in Nature's womb. Dan would still fiddle on his phone, but I completely powered down. We played Chinese checkers over decaf coffee in the morning, and listened the birds outside our window before bed. It was glorious. 

I visited mostly with Diane. She is so interesting, very well read, and curious, and happy, and kind. Dan and I noticed, as we were laying down for a nap one of the afternoons, how much of a treat it was to visit with people of the Steed's generation. We don't get to visit and hear stories from octogenarians very often. The stories we get are from books, or movies, or TV shows. They're often fabricated, or embellished, or extreme, or third party accounts. To hear from real people about their experiences, is a special treat. If I lived in Friday Harbor I would want to visit them all the time. Listening to their stories is like being told unique secrets. Secrets that so few get to hear. 

Life happens in the blink of the eye and each moment I get to spend hearing other people's life stories, the things they've seen, the lessons they've learned, the views they have formed - especially those with some experience under their belt - helps mold me into a more compassionate and open minded person. And it helps me grasp the enormity and the subtleties of the human journey. 

While we were there, we had another rainbow sighting, again with no rain. She popped up while we had been watching the 4rth of July parade, and had to sneak off to do venom. Dan's mom drove the venom down from her fridge and as I laid in the back seat of the car, and Dan dropped the drips into my nose, with my head hanging out the door, I looked up and saw my friend the rainbow. If I had not been upside down, I would never have seen her. Sometimes, even when you don't know it's there, you're being protected, watched over. 

And finally a picture of one of my best buddies, my niece Isla. 

If you look to the back, between Isla and my head, you can see Dan in the background. 

Happy 4th!

Orthoexia? What!

Holy. Cow. I have borderline orthorexia. 

It's an actual thing. 

I was watching the news this morning and a story came on about a girl who went vegan and about a year into it she realized that she would stand in front of the fridge for 20 minutes, overanalyzing her food choices, afraid to make a decision. She was obsessed with picking the healthiest choice (the definition of orthorexia). Hearing her story was like looking into the mirror. The girl became malnourished, having an extreme case of the disorder. I would consider myself more borderline, but the truth is, my obsession with food has lead me to become weak, have more seizures, limited my activities, and has isolated me from social settings. It has been too much. My relationship with food has become unhealthy. 

The tricky part, is that in the case of cancer many people say that their extreme food choices (orthorexia) saved their life. That it stopped their tumor growth, or even healed them. Of course, as with everything, there's a fine line, but I'm realizing for me personally, I've crossed it. Analyzing food has been all encompassing. Food has come to signify life or death. It has become my god and my devil. 

This realization, of orthorexia, comes just several days after making the choice to stop being so restrictive. I have stopped checking macronutrients (even though I can mentally size up grams, and ounces, and calories, and fat content and carb amounts of various foods - vegetables, fruits, meats, dairy items, oils, nuts - by memory) I no longer eliminate things from my diet. I made that decision after observing the fact that my seizures have gotten worse the more I restrict, the more I obsess and remove foods from my diet.

I should say, I can't, nor would I want to, unknow what I know about food. I'm now allowing myself to use my vast knowledge (and part of this is me acknowledging that I am educated enough to make great decisions) to eat the way that I need to for energy, for seizure control, and for tumor-fighting. Every body is unique. Each body has specific needs, and now that I've tried everyone else's protocols, I need to just create my own. I finally feel comfortable enough, after trying every tumor diet I could find, to fly on my own. Now I'm truly off in unchartered territory. My own rules. My own way. I feel empowered, but nervous. My training wheels are off. 

I have always put so much weight on food choices, since I was diagnosed, then progressively so as I researched more and more. Now it's up to me to make the best decisions. To compile all of my reading, my knowledge, and live healthy, to fight my tumor, and eliminate seizures, and have enough energy to get out and enjoy life. I hope I'm making the correct decision. I guess we'll find out in October when I have my next MRI. Perhaps, I just need to have faith in myself. And remind myself that no one diet (vegan, raw, restricted ketogenic, paleo, vegetarian, Budwigs, macrobiotic...etc.) cures cancer. But a percentage of people do well on each one. I need to go back to listening to my body, and quit beating my head against the brick wall of food/diet. 

I leave you with a photo of Charlie, my largest, happiest, cucumber plant. Note to self: I should probably stop naming my plants because it makes it harder to eat them. 

1st Cherry Delivery (this year)

Thank you thank you thank you for buying cherries at Kings Market & Market Place!! You guys are so wonderful!! I love it when you comment about buying cherries, and the emails, and the text messages!! It's like you're sending me hugs, and it makes me feel incredibly special. If you take any photos, I'd love to add them to the blog!

We delivered on Saturday, and the whole trip was a blast. Hanging out with Dan is my favorite thing to do. He appreciates my rediculousness. We were stressed about missing the ferry (which we didn't) but spent the entire trip laughing. And a road trip to deliver cherries might be the best thing ever. It was so much fun! The best part was getting to thank everyone at both grocery stores. This is our third year of selling cherries, and it's a wonderful fundraiser. More than that, though, it's really fun to have something to provide, to not just ask for help. Usually my dad does the deliveries, since I can't drive, and it was nice for us to take over and accomplish what he normally does since he's away getting venom. 

I can't thank you guys enough for all of the support. I love doing the cherry sales, and I feel really fortunate that Kings and Market Place partnered with us to make this a reality. 

Thank you thank you thank you thank you!! :))))))....(that's my smiley face with a bunch of extra chins because I'm so happy).