The past few days I've been collecting medical records. I took a bus yesterday to get copies of all of my MRI scans and all of my radiation reports. Oddly, it shows that there was no tumor growth until between the MRI of July 14th and this current MRI. That means that all of the new growth was in a 3 month period. That's really bad. I didn't freak out when I read it, which is surprising. I guess I'm not much of a freak-er-out-er (I leave that to my mom - sorry mom, but it's kinda true). I have bouts of panic, every couple of months or so, but for the most part I'm oddly calm about this whole thing.
I cried four days after this past MRI, but it wasn't about the request to start radiation. It was after seeing a friend for the first time. Our friend Eric stopped by the house to drop something off, and after he left I finally started crying. I sobbed and told Danny that it's so hard to see the kindness in peoples eyes, and the sadness, and it's because people love me and they care. I hate that my friends and family have to worry and hurt over this. I feel like this brain tumor shouldn't exist. My friends shouldn't have to know about this area of life. It's not like my friends need a lesson in compassion, they're already at their full compassion level. I don't think any of them could be more compassionate in their lives, even before they had this whole tumor thrown in their lives. I just hate this. I hate that people hurt. I hate that people are scared. And it's all because of me. I'm sorry to all of my family and friends that this tumor is effecting you.
