Thursday, November 3, 2011

Not A Freak-Er-Out-Er

The past few days I've been collecting medical records. I took a bus yesterday to get copies of all of my MRI scans and all of my radiation reports. Oddly, it shows that there was no tumor growth until between the MRI of July 14th and this current MRI. That means that all of the new growth was in a 3 month period. That's really bad. I didn't freak out when I read it, which is surprising. I guess I'm not much of a freak-er-out-er (I leave that to my mom - sorry mom, but it's kinda true). I have bouts of panic, every couple of months or so, but for the most part I'm oddly calm about this whole thing.

I cried four days after this past MRI, but it wasn't about the request to start radiation. It was after seeing a friend for the first time. Our friend Eric stopped by the house to drop something off, and after he left I finally started crying. I sobbed and told Danny that it's so hard to see the kindness in peoples eyes, and the sadness, and it's because people love me and they care. I hate that my friends and family have to worry and hurt over this. I feel like this brain tumor shouldn't exist. My friends shouldn't have to know about this area of life. It's not like my friends need a lesson in compassion, they're already at their full compassion level. I don't think any of them could be more compassionate in their lives, even before they had this whole tumor thrown in their lives. I just hate this. I hate that people hurt. I hate that people are scared. And it's all because of me. I'm sorry to all of my family and friends that this tumor is effecting you.  


  1. oh honey, please remember that we can't stop ourselves from loving you, you are just too lovable.

    i love you always and forever
    su mamasita
    ps: it's ok to say i am a 'freak-er-out-er', because it's true.

  2. Jess - we wouldn't have it any other way. You are stuck with us. :-) I consider it an honor to be your friend and if I can help to bear even a slight amount of your burden I will do it over and over again. Love you, Sara

  3. Hello everyone, Please check out Matt Wight's Movember for Jess blog at: pass it along to everyone you know!! We love you Jess! AJ and Matt

  4. You are loved and valued, even by people who don't get to spend as much time with you as they would like. Any pain that's caused is because of the tumor, not YOU, so you really shouldn't feel bad about it (although I'm sure it's easier said than done). Besides, it makes people feel better when they can make your day a little brighter or your load a little lighter.

  5. Along with the hurt, sadness and worry you bring, please remember all the good you bring! The strength, the grace, the compassion, the drive, the determination, the courage, I could go on and on. The way in which you live in the good and bad is incredibly inspiring and brings so much good! I agree with Sara, I wish I could take even a slight amount of your burden.

  6. I don't even know what to say. I just want to take it all away and say SOMETHING that would make you feel better in ANY way. If I were you, I would know exactly what to say and make my one little comment give you an amazing boost and new awesome-er perspective on things. But I'm me, who is terrible at conveying even a sliver of what I want to. :) But you ARE YOU. You can't help feeling how you do about your so called "burden" any more than your mom can help that she's a freak-er-out-er. And that's why we all love you so much. You are amazing. You will beat this, Jess. We are all here to support you and to try our hardest to give back a tiny bit of what you give to everyone else. And by all means, would you STOP taking up space at the cafe tables!? RUDE! ;)


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