I hate saying this. I hate that this is the situation; that this is how I feel. But, this is a tumor blog and it's where I go to share my journey, so here goes nothing....
Tonight I went to a couples baby shower. It was at an understated, yet trendy bar full of friends. There was laughter, and hugs, and back slapping, and smiles. The celebration was for a specific husband and wife, but half of the women there were pregnant, so by default, it was a celebration for several along side.
I got the chance to catch up with my beautiful friends, which was lovely, and yet painful. I even cried on the drive home, which is incredibly rare.
Throughout the evening, as I got caught up with people's lives, I couldn't help but notice the disparity between who I would be if I hadn't been diagnosed (a career, the ability to drive, financial stability, perhaps children). As I listened to people speak, with a smile on my face, I felt myself mourn for my old self. I mourned the person I could have been, of who I was on track to be.
I love watching my friends deliriously happy, so excited with their life's journey. But it's also confusing. It's uncomfortable that being around friends makes me both happy, filled with joy, and yet regretful, deeply saddened. I hate that I feel that way.
Currently, I am stuck on a hamster wheel of treatments and won't be finished for years. My life is lived in 4 hour increments, and I should be thrilled by that luxury since it implies that I'm doing well. But it is also extremely taxing. I can handle the stress when I live in my bubble, when I bound around the house being silly with Dan, or off jogging with Emma. It's times when I'm social that hurt too much. That make me feel isolated within a crowd. I can't relate. It's as if I'm in the room, but surrounded by a clear glass box. Alone. This girl who used to be incredibly social, even labeled vivacious by some, has morphed into an introvert. A person more comfortable by herself.
I am very grateful to be alive, please don't get me wrong, but I don't know if I will ever get used to living in limbo. I am putting all of my energy into these treatments, all of our money, and energy, and if they don't work then I will have wasted precious time that I could have spent crossing stuff off of my (yet to be written) bucket list.
I hate that I'm so self absorbed that I couldn't even completely enjoy such a special occassion. Lots of "hate" in this post. I hate that too.