Sunday, August 2, 2015

Heaven on Earth

I am embarrassed and relieved to report that my headaches were linked to a hormonal influx. I've never had that happen, I've never had such a horrible response to the female way. I don't know if it's because I'm nearing the end of my fertility (more or less) - or at least the norm of fertility. 

This Thursday I will be 35. 

This Thursday I will have outlived several of my various doctor's expectations on my lifespan. In fack, back in 2011 insurance tried to push me into hospice. According to their calculations I didn't have long to live. 

I've come such a long way, learning how to read and write and walk then run. 

I have enjoyed every single day. It never mattered if I was in a hospital bed, incapacitated in my own bed, or just the daily grind of trying to survive and enjoy life. I feel so grateful to be here. I am overjoyed every day that I wake up. I love life so much that it's hard for me to sleep, I want to soak it up. 

This is not the life that I thought I would live. I never thought I would get diagnosed with cancer at the age of 29, and I never thought - after everything we've gone through - that I would be this capable, and healthy, and happy at 35.  As you guys know, these tumors are aggressive and invasive, and I never know if they'll be back, but good God I cherish this life. Every. Single. Moment. Which is why those debilitating headaches were so terrifying. Everyone has their own views on faith, and God, and afterlife, and truthfully, my views evolve and flux. I have no idea what comes next, but my soul tells me that I'm already living in heaven. That I am living in heaven on Earth. I have Angels surrounding me and loving me, and it's you. It's my friends, and my family, and those who love me. So when I get scared about more surgeries, more treatments, more progression, I will remind myself that I am not alone. 

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Progressive Headaches

Yesterday and today, starting in the early afternoon, I have been getting progressive headaches. By the end of the night it hurts so bad that my eyes start watering - just tears streaming down my face. It's on the left hand side, the tumor side, and it throbs in the back, the tumor spot. It hurts so bad. And by the end of the night, like right now, it's on fire. I have no idea why it would progress like this. I'm scared. Has anyone else had anything like it? Especially tumor folks? I wouldn't be so afraid if not for the location. When I push down on the "soft spot" in the back of my skull where the incision starts, it lessons the pain a little. But that spot has always hurt to the touch so I don't know if adding the pain of a new location is just distracting me. 

Please let this not be a recurrence.

Please let this be a fluke. 

Please make it stop.

Nothing helps. Not water. Not asprin. Not anti-inflammatories. None of my supplements. Not rest. I'm lost.

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Converting the Baltimorites

Over the weekend Dan and I hosted Jess Abu and her husband Dre. Here are some of the highlights...

Clearly we don't take ourselves that seriously, which I think is why we have so much fun! From Susie's Mopeds, with the protective rainwear jumpsuits, to all the ridiculous sunglasses we found for $2.99, to the electric boats on Lake Union, and everything in between. Jess is still here for a few more days - I wonder what other trouble we can get into?!

Every day is a gift. Every laugh, every memory is just icing on the cake.