Is he the cutest thing in the whole world?!?! Well. He was. Sadly, I found him dead in my garden when I got home from the speech therapist yesterday. We believe the neighbor's dog attacked him. Mini Stewie then ran through the fence and into my garden, where he died.
The worst part is that I was so excited when we got home that I was looking for Mini Stewie and I found his dead body. I loved him. It's amazing how much you can love something instantly and become attached in less than 24 hours. I was so devastated yesterday that I couldn't even bring myself to get on the computer.
Yesterday, while I was mourning for Mini Stewie it occurred to me that just because you love something, like the bunny, doesn't mean that it will live. I hoped that the bunny would be safe around the neighborhood, and grow old to have Micro Mini Stewies. Just as I was hoping to enjoy Mini Stewie for a long time, I'm realizing that my whole life is going to exist on hope. I hope in two months I'll have a clean MRI (and then the next MRI after that, and that after that). I hope that I won't need radiation and chemo therapy. I hope that the rest of my existing tumor won't grow fast. I hope that I will beat the odds for the seven year average. I hope that I never have to spend another week in the ICU. I hope. I hope. I hope. I guess that this is my life.
I realize that wasting time worrying about the "what if's" in my life is just what it is, wasting valuable time, but at the same time I'm human. Of course there will be times when I'm going to worry. Maybe I'm just looking at the word "hope" with the wrong connotation. Maybe I'm starting to associate hope with fear. I don't know. I just feel so vulnerable.
Oh Jessica.... I am sorry about mini Stewie. That stinks. Poor little guy. Hopefully you will find more little minis soon. Thinking of you-
ReplyDeleteJenny
Jess,
ReplyDeleteI fell in love with mimi Stewie in the first couple of pictures, and my heart fell when I read the rest of your post. I'm sorry he is gone.:(
You are only human to worry, but you are also incredible to recognize that you don't want to waste time doing it. I think that is an important lesson for everyone to think about, but most people don't. We should all try to live life to it's fullest every day and be the best we can be. You already have that mentality, and you have for as long as I've known you. You have always been up for anything, a new adventure to tackle. Even this tumor you have taken on with an incredible conquering attitude! You are amazing. Keep on smiling, and we will keep on praying, and loving you!
Love, Sarah
Jess,
ReplyDeleteRemember "some lucky dog has to win" and you ARE going to be that lucky puppy. Forget the "hope" word and go with the "will" word, as in "I WILL have a clean MRI." "I WILL beat the odds." "I WILL think good thoughts."
We all hope all the time, sometimes for ridiculous things like a cherry-Garcia ice cream bar, so it's natural. But it seems like a big learning lesson is to try to not dwell on the "imagined future," and to "be here now."
Of course all of this is easier said than done, but I know you can do it. xoxoxoxoox
Dear Jess,
ReplyDeleteSo sorry about Mini Stewie.
You are amazing! Thank you for sharing yourself with your blogs. You are so inspiring. Miss you at the warehouse!
Sun Puppy Kristin
I would add to the lovely comments by XOXO... that it can be very powerful to put "will" into present tense: I AM doing well, I AM thinking good thoughts, etc.
ReplyDeleteI feel so for you, losing Mini Stewie. What a cutie - he would take anyone's heart in an instant.
And, yes, vulnerability. We all are vulnerable, most all of the time, but we just don't usually come in contact with it. It is a scary, "hanging out there" sensation, but part of the deal of life. Look for its good side - the openness it creates, the enhanced ability to give and take love. And you do love, so generously, dear Jessica.
Jota - There is hope for a better day and then there is fear of a worse day. Both are normal, but I'm so glad you chose "hope" for this blog. I like to picture "hope" as a tiny sliver of sunshine making its way through the dark tunnels life leads you through. There may be a giant hole at the end of the tunnel leading you into something great (which is of course what we are all planning on) or the sliver of light may be all you get. The point is to enjoy the sliver for what it could be (the giant hole to greatness) instead (as you said) wasting time fearing something that may not happen. Afterall, when you come out of this 100% better, it would be awesome to look back and say I'm glad I enjoyed myself along the way.
ReplyDeleteLove you much, Lauren (Mellie)
Oh Jess, I'm sorry about Mini Stewie. He really was a cutie. I'm sad for him passing too, and I only got to see his pictures! You are so kind hearted, I can see how losing him could color your outlook for your future a little, but I love that you always hope for the best. Hope is a beautiful thing, a bud, a joy, a gift just like you! Positive thinking, love,and hope are wonderful medicine for the body and soul... that and laughter :) So I wish you all those things and seven times seven times seven years of clean MRI's, family, friends, and love. You are amazing girlie! Sending you boatloads of hugs, love, and prayers,
ReplyDeleteNicole & Ron