Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Am I In Denial?

I'm not sure I'm grasp reality. I tried to do much yesterday, and by the end of the day I didn't make sense. My words stopped properly and legs started clamping. I have tendency to walk around house without cover on my scar because I only look my eyes in the mirror so I kind forget what's going on top my head, and in my life.

I keep thinking that being lazy. I feel like I should be working with my family back warehouse. I'm not quite sure how dial back my energy but then I really get really confuse and exhausted. It's such a challenge step back, and breathe. I want to go for walks, and practice my reading, and writing, and speaking, but just crash. I used to do when I was a kid. My mom would find me sleep passed out on the floor. Always fighting it. I would crash. Bet it was pretty funny to see.

Good thing I've got doctor Danny. He is really patient, and he understands that want to a million things all at once, but at same time he knows just how slow me down. He just makes me laugh and smile and walks me back to bed, tuck me down, and sleep. He sweet to me. I now have a nap 10:00am and 2:00pm nap. I can't believe I sleep so much and I sleep so hard. And he right, because my head hits the pillow like rock. I'm just stubborn. It's nice have him help me take care of me. I don't know what I would be doing right now. It was scare when Danny first lost his job, but now it has been such blessing. Perfect timing. I was worried about money first (probably understatement), working on budget, and cutting back to everything, but after when we got the news about the tumor, we're just grateful that we have time together. It's perfect! Money even matter any more, and I've always been such worrier, but life has amazing way of leveling you out and getting things perspective. I have complete peace about money. For those of you know my worry nature will make them very happy. No stress. Life just going to come it comes, I don't need much, and I have the love my life to make me laugh. We have two great cats and rowdy little dog and we can happy any situation our way. It's freeing life!

This the world making me slow down. I've going, going, going for years, and has been a lot of fun. Now, I trying to exercising restraint. I'm learning much. I love hearing stories about everyone lives. I'm especially excited about Lacen's little baby girl just got a heart transplant, exciting is that! There are so many great victories!

Sorry, this post really jumpy. I have much to think about. I still don't feel I had two brain surgeries. It really wasn't that hard. The hard thing being patient and waking up brain, but that a really easy job. I just have be patient. It's almost like cheating. I don't have to go work. I live in a beautiful bubble where float between nap times try to wake up my thoughts. Everyone should get to go through, it like a vacation! I'm spoiled. I'm even starting feel guilty!


  1. Ohhhh, Jessica! Ohhhh, Danny! I have been reading your Blog, Jessica, and you are such a brave and dynamic young woman. Remember back to 3rd or 4th grade? I think both of you went through FHES at a time when Mr. Smith and Mrs. Simpson were sharing a double room?! ( I can picture the room your brother was in when I had him in my class!) I am so sorry you are faced with such challenges in your young life (and together, lives) and I am so impressed with your writing...before AND after surgery! Keep up the Blog, for many, many are following you and your progress and it's really good to keep up with the lives of people that have been a part of your life...and still are...even on the fringe.

  2. Really glad you are doing so well, And your right life has a way of slowing us down!!! Allison.p

  3. Jessica:
    You are taking things in stride and that is the perfect answer. You are still on the top of my prayer list. You should not worry about the naps. I have had allot less happen to me and crashing was the answer. Cold put me out of commission...just ask Andre`. I had a sore back one time where I slept for 5 days and then the doctor told me I shold be in the hospital for 6 days on traction. That did not work out so good as I layed for 6 weeks on my back! You would have been doing cartwheels in two days I am sure. One trime I crashed right in the middle of a Nitty gritty dirt band concert...wait that might have been the beer. Anyway You are doing Great and thanks so much for the Blog updates!!!!
    Look for the spelling errors. I am sure you will find them long before me:)

  4. Jess,
    Hang in there girl! Slow is good. Keep taking those naps and let your brain heal. Sounds like Danny is doing a perfect job. We are still cheering for ya. Love to you both.
    Mandi Brown

  5. Dear Jess,
    Mary and Smithy passed your blogsite on to me. You've been in my prayers even though we've never met. Nearly 3 years ago I was the patient--yep, a cancerous brain tumor removed and a second surgery less than 6 months later. If you ever need some laughter and/or conversation with someone who had a similar "medical adventure", please call or email anytime.
    Your spirit is wonderful, keep it up. I agree that the healing part is tedious for those of us that are active.
    Hugs and cheer,
    Candy Bowers

  6. Jess,
    Reid and I have been following your blog all along and think that you are an amazingly resilient, intelligent and loving person! Be gentle with yourself and continue to embrace the little things because they are major milestones at this point. Be patient...loving thoughts to you and your parents from us.

  7. Jesse, write-on girl, burn some of that marathon energy you have via laying it on the line like you are. Perhaps remind yourself when you look in your beautiful green eyes to look at the scar and then tell yourself, oh yeah, I can't help but get better better if I slow down and listen to Dr. Dan! xoxox????? u no hoo da di do

  8. Jess, you are simply adjusting to a massive change of plans. ;) I know that we are very similar in a lot of ways (you are always better at any of it), but I am not good with change. I dislike not knowing the general in's and out's of my daily life. You are in such an unfamiliar territory right now, how could you possibly grasp everything at once (uh, you ARE Jessica Oldwyn so I shouldn't put it past you). I would expect myself to be frustrated as well. You are an amazingly intelligent person. Your brain is trying to know and learn everything possible about the situation (like normal), while trying to extensively heal at the same time. Body trying to keep up with the Jess brain? That has got to be exhausting! It's a lot, Jess. You have also been an insomniac as long as I've known you, so it's make up time, girl! I could go on forever with run-on sentences and random subject changes (see, I do that ALL the time, no brain surgery needed) . . . we also share the long-winded gene (makes for my favorite phone conversations that last until the wee hours). See!? I'm doing it again!! I just want you to feel like you are the special, amazing, incredible person that you are. Be patient with yourself and listen to what your body and Danny tell you. Wish I could take on some of this load for you . . . love you. ;)

  9. Hang in there Jess!!! And thank goodness for Danny! Thinking of you.


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