Tuesday, May 18, 2010

The Last Straw

I could handle the news of the tumor. I could handle the first surgery. I made it through the second emergency surgery. I could handle the awkward stage of my hair that is starting to resemble a Chia Pet. I could handle the massive scar and scab that runs from next to my ear and across the center of my skull all the way to the base of my head/neck. I could handle the steroid rashes and pimples across my chest and back, since I've been hiding them with turtle necks and scarfs. However, I can no longer handle the rashes and white bumps that started showing up yesterday morning across my throat, chin, cheeks and around my mouth. Sorry. I know that this is disgusting, but I have to purge these feelings. This rash all over my face and neck is over the top. It is my final straw. I'm so disgusted by myself. Now that my face looks like a freak, I can't even find something nice to say about myself. It's just too much. I just want to cry. My throat keeps tightening up, and I know it's just a matter of time before I completely lose it. Everything in my body is fighting me. Usually I would go for a run, but I'm not even allowed to attempt such a thing. I'm at a complete loss. I just want to curl up in my bed and cry. My skin looks like braille. I just want to hide under a rock.

I did make it to my speech therapist today (I was supposed to meet for an appointment on Monday but there was a schedule conflict). She seems like a sweetheart, very encouraging, supportive and has a great smile and a great laugh - very important! I did surprisingly well during the basic tests - at least I'm happy with how I did. We will meet together on Thursday for another test and from there she will start giving me homework. I am scheduled for speech therapy, with two sessions a week. We're on our way! I'm so glad we found a great fit! Now, if only I didn't have to be in public. Or if I could just find a stylish paper bag for my head.

Danny went to Seattle yesterday to try and sell his truck. Maybe I can just scrub off the first few layers of skin before get back.


  1. OK, Jess. I get to comment on this post. I SO understand rashes. I have had one on much of my body (at times) since sometime in late Sept. It took forever for diagnosis. (Who would believe or suspect a food sensitivity to garlic???) So after my last big outbreak, wherein I discovered that garlic was the issue, it has been again a slow recovery. It is still not gone fully, but I see little bits of progress every day, and that has to be enough to sustain me. There is a reason we are called "patients". That we must be in order to heal well. For the rash, you might try drinking diluted apple cider vinegar (organic, with the "mother"). It really has been my mainstay, and I only learned of it in March. Get at least 6 tablespoons a day, between meals, if possible.

    Now. I am SO pleased you got a good therapist. Yes, sometimes we need to be lied to, if necessary, and this is a great time for it. You are incredibly wise (as in taking it slowly), and your body is healing - that is what it instinctively wants to do. My neighbor and friend had a brain injury that she is coming back from. Sometimes she sees her progress best by looking back a ways and recalling what she was capable of at a prior time. Rejoice in your accomplishments!

    Thank you for so generously sharing your great blogs. You make me laugh out loud, while not shortchanging the height of the mountain you get to climb. I feel you are knitting all of us who love you together in a supportive quilt of varied comments. I'm honored to be a part of your process.

    Love, Dee Dee

  2. Jess,
    Hold your head up high, because you deserve to be seen. You are an amazing and beautiful woman, inside and out. As you wrote, just try to take it slow and know that you will get there. It was so nice to hang out Sunday, and I have to say that you rock the shaved head and scarf look you have going on. I have to tell you that although you are frustrated with your progress, I was thouroughly (spelling??) impressed with you! You are still the incrediblly articulate person you were a month ago, and I know in a very short time you will be using all the bug words you can think of. Really, I'm in awe of you!
    I'm so happy that you think your speech therapist is a good fit and you can continue your recovery at home with your family and friends! Hugs and love to you my friend!
    Love, Sarah

  3. Big words. THat's what I was trying to write, Jess. Big words :)
    Love, Sarah

  4. Jess! Hang in there love! So good to see you again Saturday(Doctor Danny, as you put it, too) maybe you are allergic to licorice?? wouldn't that be something? People would be unpleasantly surprised to find out what they're allergic to I think. Anyway, hold your head up, things will be ok. We re rooting for you and your beautiful head and keep you in daily thoughts and prayers. If you need anything, even if simple, let me know :)

    Jessie #2

  5. Jess, call your doctor it sounds like your having an allergic reaction to one of your medications, possibly the steroid. Which is not all that uncommon. Tightening of the the throat is a good reason to give the doctor a call!!

  6. Ditto to the "call the doctor" comment - sorry I missed the significance of the throat tightening in my post last night! Allergic reactions can become increasingly severe over time. If it is a drug you are on that is causing it, that must be corrected. Sorry, but it could be red licorice too! The last thing I wanted to cut out of my diet was garlic and onions, as I used them every day in our cooking. And things we consume every day are the primary suspects for allergies or food sensitivities.

    Best of luck getting this one sorted out. Oh, yes. You do rock with or without hair!

    XOXO, Dee Dee


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