Brain Drain

Maybe it's the fact that I purged myself a little last night with my tears, or maybe it's the fact that Danny got back late last night but I'm feeling a lot better! My skin is still disgusting but I'm starting to get over it. Maybe it's kind of like physical pain. There was a point at the hospital when they had to pull the drain out of my head and they didn't give me any pain killers or anything. I was grateful to have Danny there while I screamed bloody murder and sobbed. Just so you know a drain is a tube coming out of your brain that collects blood in a circular expandable container. They have to empty it a few times as blood has too much blood in your brain. I had the drain because of the second emergency surgery when my Dura hardened. That was scary. Anyway, the drain has to be removed, and they just start yanking it out of your head, and it hurts like nothing I have ever experienced. There was about 18 inches of tubing that was wrapped throughout the inside of my head. They just keep yanking and yanking and yanking as I screamed and cried. Danny said that it was the most disgusting and painful thing he has ever seen, like something out of sci-movie. At least Danny said that I am officially the strongest woman in the world. I guess I really went on a tangent during this story. I was just talking about the fact that the memory of pain really does lessen over time. Thank goodness. If we remembered everything forever we would probably never want to do anything!

Here's another story about my second surgery. After the first surgery I did well at first but I started deteriorating rapidly in the following hours. It scared my dad, and he started talking to the doctors. He kept telling the doctors that he knows me and things aren't right. He noticed that I didn't want to be touched, and dad knows that I'm a normally really affectionate. Then I started getting to sensitive to light, and then my right hand became paralyzed. When the doctors saw the lack of function of my right hand they immediately jumped on the game. Within seconds I was signing papers to head back into surgery. They were literally running through the hospital and when I and I saw their faces I look, especially the Chief, I realized how serious this was. Looking up at all of their faces was so scary. They were immediately putting the gas over my face and I remembering thinking, "there is nothing I can do, I'm at the mercy of the world." Later I found out that the Chief Dr Silvergeld was at home and rushed back to hospital for my surgery. He rushed back for me, and probably saved my life. I'm so grateful for the doctors, and for my father, that he knows me so well.

I think, looking back on my experience, that I'm starting to digest just how serious these several weeks have been. At first I was just so grateful to be alive, and I still am completely grateful that I'm alive, but now I start to realize all the little details. It actually makes me even more grateful for my life! But when you see me, you will recognize that I am not me. I'm me typing, but not me in real. I can't express myself or say such big words in real life. This is a special place in my brain that is not the same as talking, or writing. I can type even these posts take several hours of trying but it's not how I talk in life. But I will. This will be better.