Sunday, April 25, 2010

Spongebob Squareface

I feel like the days are sifting through my fingers like sand. I have fifty hours (but who's counting) until I check in for surgery.

After trying to gracefully sneak out of bed a few minutes ago at 3:00am, and yet thudding into the wall (thankfully, no stirring movement from various bedrooms), I'm sitting at the dinning table wide awake which unfortunately sits in Jessica Protas's new living quarters (my friend who instantly flew from Abu Dhabi to be with me). Luckily, she's restless right now too. After a healthy sob and hug session, which oddly enough is out of character for us at the moment - not too many tears so far in this ordeal - we're back to what we do best, solving the world's problems beginning with the fact that my face looks like Spongebob Squarepants.

The four cycle daily doses of steroids are changing my facial features and really freaking me out. I realize that the look of my face should be the least of my concerns, but when I run my hands across my cheeks and jaw it's an eerie feeling to lack recognition. I guess I should get used to it since I'll be bald within 11.5 hours and that will be a whole new sensory issue.

I feel like I have so much to say. I don't want to let go of THIS Jess. I don't want to lose this Jess. I still can't truly grasp what's happening in my life. Each day there's new twists and turns. There's new emotions, new fears, new tests, new insight. I've always loved reading, and somehow I feel like the story of my life, this story, is just unfolding page by page in front of me. I've always been curious what it must be like for those going through huge obstacles and now I'm seeing first hand what it's like; but somehow, I still can't grasp completely that it's happening to me. I guess I don't even see how anyone could grasp it. It's life, a day by day process until the end. You just grab onto the hands around you, and walk through it.


  1. Profound writing Jessica. Your empathy for all of us your followers is astounding. Your words come straight from your mind and soul and soar into our minds and souls. What a woman you are and will always be. xoxo Susea

  2. Hi Jessica - I cannot say it any better or in any other way than Susea has. You're an amazing woman, thank you for sharing your strength and goodness with us.

  3. Jessie, you are experiencing life at it's rawest and realest is truly the culmination of a billion moments put blink and it's done. To live it in slow motion like you are right now is both a blessing and a burden. I keep thinking about your fear of maybe not being the real Jessie anymore after the surgery and I don't think it's possible........your essence isn't just in your brain but in your heart and soul. I believe that this experience is the beginning of a new chapter but in the same wonderful book of your life and the book was written a long time ago. Rest as best you can and know you have an army of love behind you. Jennifer

  4. Greetings again Jessica. Jennifer is right on with her comments. I too believe that your inner self will remain no matter what happens and that you will come through this ordeal an even stronger and more sensitized person than most. Take comfort in knowing that others have traveled down this path before you and have made complete recoveries. You will soon be a member of this elite "club" and a formidable one I might add. The strength, support and love is growing exponentially around you...take it all in with a deep breathe and then let the doctors do their work. Love to you and your family, Susan and Reid.

  5. Jess...Your blogs are wonderful! Thank you for sharing your utmost feelings will all of us. I truely believe you have touched the hearts of many...Will be thinking and praying for you all day tomorrow. Laura

  6. YOu do have a gift with words it's like you suck us in with you and we are sitting right there with you touching your can do this, you will do this!


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