I'm not sleeping well, and it's causing my wires to cross and fizzle. I'm trying to focus on the moment, but I keep worrying about the future. I've always been this way, borrowing trouble. I'm a planner by nature, and now I need to adjust my whole life. I had certain goals and expectations, and unfortunately I need to adjust them.
Prior to this diagnosis I was looking into attaining another degree. I've always enjoyed studying, learning, and challenging myself. Now, I'm just trying to read and comprehend. My goals are smaller, and although I'm really grateful to see improvement, I'm still scared about what this means for the future. Even if I could master my reading comprehension, I don't think I could justify taking on more college loans when I know I am a medical liability. In life, my calendar will be dictated by my MRIs and doctor's appointments and I'm not sure if I'll ever get back to school again. It doesn't look like further education is the best option.
With that, I'm worried about my potential. I don't know if I'm going to be much of an earner - which unfortunately, is exactly what I need to be. I'm in a position where I can never be without medical insurance, and already my premiums are through the roof. I can manage things, but again, I'm having to adjust my expectations.
I keep trying to think of my strengths so that I can capitalize on them, but maybe it's still too soon for me to be this serious. I'm not the best at objectively analyzing. I know I should calm down and focus on the daily goals, but it's hard to have "real life" looming over me. I want to think that things will just work out, and I'm sure to a certain extent that is true, but I also have always felt that in order to reach your goals you have to start with a plan.
When in doubt step forward not backward. Take a class - one class. How will it make you feel? Does it give you pleasure? You know, noone knows what the right steps are. A doctor once told me that I had a choice, to live the illness or disease and allow it to control me or to live my life. I decided to live with the disease - take care of myself but to not let it control me. I know all situations are different and you certainly are facing lots of obsticles. I think the difference is like this, "I am my brain tumor. It is who I am. My brain tumor controls me". Alternately, "I am Jessica and oh, by the way, I have a brain tumor. Do you know what I learned in class today?" Take baby steps. This is a difficult switch and you are in the process. Give yourself a break - lots of them. You deserve it! Lots of people are sending love your way. Love your blog.
ReplyDeleteWOW! That first comment said it all. Amen!
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