The Little Voice

I've been trying to take it easy lately, focusing on relaxing. I used to curl up with a good book, but these days I'm unable comprehend most fiction. You know the little voice that reads to you while you read a book? That character that lifts up from the pages and talks to your mind? I don't have that. I'm able to read non-fiction, factual upfront information, but the fun stuff escapes me.

I'm missing the voice inflection, the hidden meaning, the inferences, and ironies. I do really well in conversations because I can see facial expressions, and hear the tone of voice. If I'm in a conversation I can ask questions and clarify. With a book you don't have that. Most of the fun in reading non-fiction, is the twists and turns, and sadly, I tend to miss all that. It takes the fun right out of reading. That is, unless you have a friend like Jessaca. She, without request, started voice recording chapters from a book from our book club. That's how sweet she is. I have a copy of the book, and I listen to her recording at the same time. It is HILARIOUS. I hear the voice inflection, the tempo, and sometimes she'll even pause and say things like, "What's a ____?....it must be an animal or something" - which makes me laugh out loud ridiculously. Now, I feel like I'm reading just as I had been before, only it's better. It's like reading a book with a friend, or having a conversation. When Jess reads the book to me, I hear her voice on the tape and I often realize that the written word is being said in humor. I take things literally, so when she starts laughing I realize that it's sarcasm, or just plain humor. If I read the same thing aloud, I come to a completely different conclusion than is intended. It's pretty complicated.

I started explaining it to my brother the other day, my inability to understand novels and such. My brother is a football lover to the core. If you flip over his arm you might see laces. It's in his flesh. He adores (my word, not his) it. I explained it to him like this: One day you look at a game on TV and you know it's football. However, you can't understand why they're in different formations, or why there's a yellow flag. You can't figure out how long the game goes, or why they're in huddles on the sideline. You don't understand most of the details, yet, at the same time you know that you USED to know every detail. That analogy works in my daily life in many areas.

It's isolating. I look fine, I converse well, I seem great, but the truth is swimming around in my mind. It's scary. I also explained my struggles to my mom and dad recently. I told them that I feel like someone two and a half times my age, who's experiencing memory loss, and inability to process information like they used to. Almost like I have Alzheimer's or something. The only problem is that I'm only 30 years old.

I never thought I would NOT be capable. I honestly thought I'm not a doctor because I can't stand blood, fluids, or tissue in general. It never occurred to me the fact that I'm not a doctor isn't because I couldn't do it, I just didn't want to. For the record, it would probably take me a lot longer than other doctors to complete the required schooling, kind of like the story of Rudy, the college football player. That could be said for other careers/interests too. I've always felt that hard work and perseverance would take me wherever I needed/wanted to go in life. Now, I'm so confused with big ideas, concepts, and problem solving, that I don't even think to solve them. Somehow, I just don't get things. It's impossible to explain. When I DO try to fix things, I can't figure out the solution. Within several minutes I feel like my head is going to explode, and my whole body tenses. It's frustrating, not being able to take care of the things that you used to easily be able to do.

With all of that being said (I've been veraciously unloading today), I am so grateful for having this outlet. I appreciate all of the support, and kindness of everyone. I'm incredibly fortunate that you read this blog, I'm honored that you take the time. I'm nothing without my friends and family, you guys lift me up and always keep me laughing. Even though I'm struggling with the reality of this tumor, I'm still happy because I have the love and kindness from all of you in my heart. It's an insanely powerful feeling. I'm so lucky. Thank you.

With love, good night.