Goin' for "Stable"

In the picture below, you'll notice more of Larry's fresh garlic. It's delicious, but my breath is ATROCIOUS. Luckily it's just Emma and I today, and bad breath is her favorite.

This morning, I woke up rested. I had the chance to debrief with Meghan over the phone last night. We laughed, and I cried a little bit, told her my fears, and if I heard correctly, I think she might have dropped a tear or two as well.

All in all, I feel like this is going to work; the low doses make me feel so good. Also, this protocol is great - absolutely doable. I enjoy having my last meal at 4:30 pm, then cleansing my body with only water until pill time at 8:30 pm. It takes a serious amount of discipline, but I enjoy the challenge. Oddly, it makes me feel strong. I like routine, things that I can count on. I like knowing that antioxidants are for breakfast and lunch, that every day is the same. There's no guessing, no worries, just the basics, every single day.

I'm scared to see growth, albeit minimal. I worry that somehow I won't beat this. I fear that I will continuously decline, and that this tumor will invade and take over my brain until I am no longer functioning. Those are my fears. And, if I look at the majority of cases, it's exactly what happens. BUT, I have stopped Herman's growth before, so I know that I can do this. I know that it can happen. AND, we did shrink the other areas of tumor. SO, who knows. We just have to stop Herman's growth. I'm happy - not thrilled, like I probably should be - that the other areas are smaller, but as long as Herman is growing, he's a major threat and that rains on my parade.

Herman needs to be taken seriously; he's a formidable adversary. So, here we go again, another three month period to conquer this challenge. Herman feels angry, like I've been trying to keep him down, and he's pissed. I just have to keep the low doses of artemisinin coming each night, tucking little Hermie to bed with my own version of a bedtime story.

It's weird to live like this. To be a functioning young-ish adult living with cancer. My life would not be as easy if I would have followed standard of care and done radiation, so I can be grateful for that. I can't imagine all the effects I would be dealing with. Yuck. At the doctor appointment, my mom asked when they would stop pushing for radiation, and the response was: I need to get two more MRIs with minimal growth to be considered "stable." At that point, hypothetically, I would have an entire year of minimal growth which would put the radiation discussion off the table. They would continue to monitor but not push for radiation. So there you go, that's our next goal. We not only want to stop growth, and have it shrink, we want the doctors to stop pushing radiation.

But, I'm getting ahead of myself. For now, I just need to go run green lake. My goal today is to jog two laps at once (without stopping), that adds up to be approximately 6 miles. I have never accomplished that feat before, but I need to challenge myself. Hermie and I need to have a run and a long talk. It's going to be wet, but I think Herms has pretty good hearing and can decipher my words through the wind and rain drops. He's already getting pouty. He knows he's in trouble.

Eating Away at My Core

My adorable little nephew

Well, I tried the higher doses of artemisinin, and it appears as if my body didn't prefer it. According to research, there's quite an individual variability of effectiveness. So, last night I started back on the low doses of Artemix. I'm back to doing the same protocol from Oct - Jan. I'm back in contact with the lead researcher at the UW who knows all there is to know about the artemisinin derivatives. He's originally from India where he was a medical doctor, but he moved to the states and earned a PhD, and he now researches artemisinin. He is the most kind doctor and researcher, possibly in the world. I emailed him and discussed what happened with this latest protocol and he expanded on the reasons why the low doses work so well. There's a 24 hour cycle where you eat antioxidants in the morning and at lunch, then refrain and stop eating in the early evening. You then take the artemisinin four hours after dinner with a cup of whole milk. Then you start back over in the morning with antioxidants. By utilizing the 24 hour cycle, you keep your body healthy and it cleans up any residual damaged cells, then when you take artemisinin on an empty stomach, the body creates more free radicals which allow the artemisinin to attack the cancer cells. The artemisinin works its' magic while you sleep and when you wake up, it's time to clean up all of the mess. I'm excited to be back on the low doses, it's so much easier.

It's crazy, but I never liked the high doses. It made my innards hurt. I'm disappointed that Herman grew, but I'm not surprised. I had been noticing some mental deficits, nothing too serious, but things were different up there. I didn't want to jump to conclusions because there's just no point in freaking out, but when I saw the further infiltration of Herm on the MRI, it all made sense. The growth is in my speech and language area, and although I feel like I'm progressively better at expressing myself with the written word, the deficits are when I'm speaking aloud, or processing speech. Tricky stuff. I still don't think anyone else would notice, but I notice and that's creepy enough.

The past twenty-four hours have been pretty tough. My family all returned to Friday Harbor and Wenatchee, and that's when the whole thing hit home. Here we go again, another three months of trying to stop the growth of Herman and hopefully, someday, actually see him shrink. Yesterday, as I was laying in bed trying to nap, I wondered if I was going to be able to keep up the fight. This is exhausting. Sometimes I feel like giving up. I know that I won't, but it's so tough. Luckily, my friends Meghan and Nicole invited me to run the lake. If not for that, I probably would have just laid in bed. I just need to keep one foot in front of the other, and do what I can. At least today I get to visit my friends at the retirement home, they always make me feel better and it's a great excuse to get up and out of the house.

It's so foreign to have a blob growing in my brain. And to feel it, recognizing that it's there and it's eating into who I am, deep in my core, my thoughts and processing, it's absolutely fascinating, and horrible, and terrifying.

More Micronutrients

Thank you so much for the beet advice! I just made a new juice, a different recipe, and peeling the beet fixed the problem! No grit. So far I'm on my second glass and I don't have any of the dirt. What a relief! Woo hoo!! I'm totally getting nuts with the juicing. Yesterday I made three different batches each as a new recipe. Since I was on the high doses of artemisinin three days out of every week and I wasn't supposed to eat antioxidants, these juices and my blended drinks are H.E.A.V.E.N. to my body.

This recipe is amazing. I'm being good and following recipes since I have such a horrible track record. I figure I'll play around and learn all of the suggested pairings, then when I really get the hang of this I will be able to figure out fun variations of my own. Below is the recipe from today.

Beet Detoxifier
1 Peeled Beet (Include greens & stalks)
4 Stalks Celery
4 Carrots
1 Inch Ginger
1 Lime
1 Green Apple

For breakfast I created a new smoothie, and it was delicious!

Breakfast Smoothie
1 Small Head of Napa Cabbage
1 Large Banana
1 Tablespoon of Orange Flavored Fish Oil

Don't confuse the smoothies with juices. The smoothies you end up eating the entire piece of produce, unlike the juice where the pulp and fiber are removed. I like to vary between the two options. It's important for me to get a lot of the cabbage, kale, watercress, etc. But, at the same time, it's really hard to ingest a whole blender of liquid. That's why it's nice to have a micronutrient dense juice too. I've read that the juicing allows your body to absorb all of the enzymes quickly since the fiber is hard for the body to digest. Removing the fiber speeds up the absorption.

This juicing kick is such a great distraction. It's perfect timing in fact. I have less than two weeks before my MRI and I'm nervous as hell. We stopped the growth of Hermie from October to January, but now I've been on a whole new protocol. Instead of doing the trio of sweet wormwood compounds, I've mainly been taking the artemether which is the fella that crosses the blood brain barrier. We have a friend who used this protocol and cleared up her brain tumor (same type as mine), but it's still scary when you try new things. I'm mostly scared because I didn't eat as strictly as I did for the previous MRI period. It's hard not to overanalyze, and that's why I need distractions.

This morning, I woke and met up with my friend Jessaca and her baby girl. We walked over to Green Lake, and wandered to the playground. It was wonderful to see them! I miss my Wenatchee girls. After that I took a nap until 2:30 pm. I sleep a lot, but while I'm up, I need things to do to keep my mind sane. My life consists of sleeping, juicing, blending, laundry, running, showering, etc. Just the basics - but I like it that way. If I do too much I get run down, and then I get sick. I've come to the point where I'm pretty clear where my energy boundaries are, even though sometimes I still push it and wear my body out. It's always worth it though :)

Last night Meghan and I ran Green Lake, then swung into my house so that I could make her my favorite green apple, carrot, and ginger juice. She was pretty impressed, and laughed hysterically, when she saw our fridge. To be honest, it's been a long time since I've seen anyone else's fridge, so I didn't really know what the big deal was. She grabbed my phone though, to take a picture. I wish I could see what other people's fridges look like. There must be some delicious looking food or something? I still like whole real food, like normal meals, but I really enjoy cleansing my body with veggies and fruit. My body feels so much better. Especially the green drinks. Tonight, Danny has class so I'm on my own for dinner. I think I'll tackle a new green juice. I'm excited about it! In the meantime, I still haven't ran the lake yet today so I'd better get to it. I'm not going to lie, it's beautiful out and I wish I was sitting at Duke's on the patio with a large Hefeweizen and a side of their delicious cabbage salad, but oh well. Maybe later in the week.....who knows.

Misery Loves Company

Beautiful blooming tree in front of the Green Lake library

It's gorgeous in Green Lake today. It's sunny and the air is crisp. I just jogged the lake with Emma, stopping by the library to pick up a book that I had on hold.

Things have been great, just chugging right along with the protocol. I've made some changes and decided to allow antioxidants to my Monday-Wednesday routine. Those are the high dose days of artemether, and I'm supposed to limit my antioxidant intake because antioxidants clean up free radicals in your body. The free radicals are what are needed for the artemether to arrive into the cancer cells. Anyway, it's a long story and I don't completely understand it, but what I do understand is that my body needs an apple or a hot tea here or there - and some raw garlic.

I'm hoping that allowing my body to have antioxidants on the high dose artemether days won't hurt the progress. Guess we'll just have to find out in April at the MRI. I just can't live off of bland, boring, nutrient sparse foods. I crave tea more than I crave wine. Is that crazy or what?!? It's true though. Never thought I'd say it.

Other changes in my life include the removal of my copper IUD. I had no idea that copper causes angiogenisis (the development of new blood vessels), which is "a fundamental step in the transition of tumors from a dormant state to a malignant one," according to Wikipedia. Ooops. Thank you to my brain tumor friend Jessica for pointing that one out. Jeez. Seriously, I am so glad that I post so much personal information on this blog because ya'll keep helping me get healthier and healthier.

There are so many things out there to know, and things that can combat (or encourage) cancer. It's impossible to have all of the information, and that's why I love you all so much. I appreciate all of the help!

In about an hour my girlfriend Jess, who is currently living in Abu Dhabi with her husband Andre (awesome guy), will be arriving for a week. For those who don't know her, she's the friend who flew across the world to be with me when I was diagnosed and shaved her head in solidarity. I'm so excited to see her!! I also can't wait for Thursday when I take my chemo drink. She's one of those girls that will totally try it - I can't wait to see her gag and then laugh hysterically. Friends like her are priceless. I don't know why, exactly, I'm so excited to disgust her with my chemo drink. It's probably because misery loves company? Or, maybe it's that I'm a sucker for a good laugh. Regardless, I'm excited.

Meal Planning

Success. There's a billion birds at my feeder!!! Whoo hoo!! They are so cute, and so little. It's fantastic! Bingie was drooling and talking up a storm, we were both very excited.

Thanks for the encouraging words on the last post. I appreciate the support. Dan and I realize that this is very difficult. We're trying to navigate this journey with tenacity, but sometimes it's important to allow mistakes. The whole thing is tough though. I'm not really in a position to eat a normal diet. If I want to live, I need to eat better than anyone else. I need to fuel my body with cancer fighting foods and supplements, along with avoiding cancer feeding foods. It's impossible to be good all of the time, and it's hard not to hate yourself for your mistakes. The mistakes taste so good, too. That makes it even harder.

Dan and I are trying a new technique this week. We'll see how it goes. It's a combination of suggestions from friends. We're doing meal plans Monday-Wednesday. Thursday will be a bit more difficult because of the sulforaphane drink (which I'm thinking about doing on Fridays as well). On sulforaphane days I tend to not be that hungry. Saturdays are normal days when we can eat a more relaxed diet. Sundays are back to high antioxidant foods. So, it will look something like this:

Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday (limited antioxidants): 

Breakfast
Oatmeal or toast with almond butter

Lunch
Tuna (with or without bread) or almond butter sandwich

Dinner
Salmon or other fish or shellfish
broccoli or asparagus or brussels sprouts
quinoa or brown rice

Thursday/Friday: Whatever fruits or vegetables I want....YUM!!! Salads, slaws, whole grains, nuts, seeds, seafood...curcumin, raw garlic, onions, cayanne pepper, broccoli tea, green tea, oh the pleasures of the simple things. On Monday-Wednesday I find myself craving tea and blueberries. It's so funny that blueberries, apples and green tea fill my thoughts constantly when I can't have them.

Saturday: Same as Thursday/Friday but I can add diary, or wine, or whatever else to my meals

Saturday: Same as Thursday/Friday

I'm going to try this schedule out and see if it helps me mentally prepare for each phase. I might get more in depth with my planning, we'll see. I've never been that good with meal planning.

Her Charm

Another beautiful walk along Green Lake...

Documenting my love affair with moss

Sleeping Lovers

Last night, I was a bad girl. I can't be good all the time. It's in my DNA, just ask my grandma. Trust me, she'll know what I'm talking about. She's a little naughtier than me, and boy is it her charm. There is no one like her! Sometimes I need to turn on some soothing music, uncork a bottle of pino, pour a glass, take a deep breath, close my eyes and tell myself that everything will be okay. Last night I listened to Lana Del Ray. If you've never heard her sing, she's mesmerizing.

I keep chugging along, but I have little blurps of exhaustion. I'm in a blurp. I think it's related to the fact that I can't run. One more day. Ugh. One more day, except I stretched in my sleep, which quickly woke me up in a rip of pain. A little tear of the stitches which were healing so well. Damn. Tomorrow I'll gauge whether or not I should run. I don't want to get the incision infected. That would be disgusting!

If I can't run, I start to fall apart. I get lethargic, my appetite grows erratic, my mood dives, and I start to feel sad for no reason. It's embarrassing.

Today I started my high doses again. I'm doing a 4-6, four days of high doses twice a day and then six days off. On the dosing days, I can only eat between 11:00 am-ish to 4:00 pm-ish. No smoothies, the antioxidants clean out the free radicals that need to carry the artemisinin into the cancer cells. My fare during dosing days is quite simple. That's why I need to run, I need to feel energized. Green smoothies and running are what keep my blood flowing and happy.

Oh well. This will not last forever. I am lucky to have this opportunity to conquer my brain cancer. Most who have come before me have not been so fortunate. That's what I have to keep remembering. I'm a lucky one.