Monday, April 9, 2012

Reproductively Cancered

Dusk at Alki Beach

Over the weekend Danny and I got the chance to bid our life away at the Bids For Kids auction benefiting uncompensated care at Seattle Children's Hospital. Pair me, a current cancer fighter with some vino, and I was ready to give everything in our possession to help the sick children. The cause truly struck close to home. At one point in the evening, while I listened to a mother tell her story of how Children's helped her young child, Danny was wiping tears from my face. I would give anything to heal all of the children, and in the same moment I would give anything to be healthy and be able to have a child, be it healthy or not. It's an interesting concept, would you rather have a sick child, or no child? I guess it's not fair for me to say that I would rather have a sick child than none at all, because I don't know what it all entails. I have friends with children that have serious medical problems, which makes me realize that there's no way I could ever comprehend the stress and heartache involved, but I also see the happiness that their children bring them, and how fulfilling their lives are.

It's wonderful supporting those in need, in fact it's almost selfish. There's a pure joy that engulfs you when you help others out. I've heard the argument that there's no such thing as altruism, and you know what, I'd have to say I agree. There's some sort of endorphin rush when you help someone, or do something kind. When you give to others, be it financially, physically, emotionally, etc., you definitely get something out if it. So many people help support me, and it's my goal to continue the spirit. When people show me love and support, it makes me want to magnify that love and spread it around. I'm a total cheeseball and love the movie, Pay It Forward. I feel like the best way I can repay everything that I'm given, is to continue the kindness to those I encounter. It's tricky though, it's an ongoing battle, you have to train yourself to look for situations where you can help others. It obviously doesn't have to be with money, it's as simple as a smile to a stranger as your paths cross, or it could be as big as donating an old used car to a person in need (friends of ours recently did that - very cool). 

The auction was a lot of fun, but it was also emotional. It made me realize how badly I want to have a tiny little baby Danny. I'm not in a position to think about having a baby, and may never (I have to be honest with myself) and it scares me to think that I might never get the chance to experience our own little ones. I will be ecstatic if I get to spend the rest of my life with Dan. He is all that I need, and I am incredibly grateful to have him. you seen Danny? Have you ever watched his adorable little mannerisms? A mini Dan would just melt my heart. Of course, it DID occur to me that if I ever do get to birth a little baby Danny, my heart might spontaneously explode. The thought alone puffs my heart to double the size, my blood pressure increases, my face gets hot and I get giddy. It's pretty ridiculous. For now, I need to focus on the here and now. I have everything in the world to be happy about, a wonderful life, and it's always important to remember that we never know what's coming around the corner. 

You can't help but wonder about things in life like finding your true love, of planning a wedding (another thing that Dan and I want to do someday), or starting a family. They're all fun things to think about! There's no harm in dreaming, but you can never let it go too far. The dreams shouldn't become a burden of sadness, I think that's when they have a horrible impact on your life which can be paralyzing. There are things that I can change, and other things that I can not. Some things can change, but it takes time. I believe that someday we will be able to fulfill our dreams. In the meantime, my overactive imagination will recreate visions of a hilariously adorable baby Danny with his big old baby muscles, and we will continue on our journey, filling our life with laughter and love. All in all, it's a magnificent option. 

1 comment:

  1. I have told you this before and I will say it again. You have every right to feel, however you feel, about wanting to become a mom. Your feelings may change weekly if not daily but NEVER deny yourself those feelings Jess. Those feelings are what remind you that you are just a woman who simply wants to be a mother....find comfort in that and know you are never alone.
    You have a great perspective.


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