Thursday, August 5, 2010

Stuffing My Fears

Last night, I was laying in bed, analyzing my eating habits. I think most people have their "skinny" jeans for when you're in better shape, and then there's the "fat" jeans for Thanksgiving. Newsflash: My "fat" jeans don't fit. That is a huge blow to my self esteem, and my reality. Even though life is going great, I feel healthy, I'm recovering quickly, and I have minimal discomfort, still, I think I'm emotionally eating.

I'm not trying to complain about feeling fat (which I do). I'm just trying to figure out why I'm eating more than I need to. It's a slippery slope when it comes to gaining weight, and if I don't nip it in the butt I'm just going to spiral down into a funk which will probably cause me to overeat, and then sink further.

I've gotten back into working out, and I've been increasingly active. I eat very healthy foods, but when it comes down to it I'm eating way more than I'm needing to. I wish I was the kind of woman that lost weight during a crisis, but that has never been my style.

I've been trying to be positive about my situation, and do the best I can in my daily life, but I think my unknown future is silently tearing me up inside. I can't plan beyond October 12th. I can't plan where I'll be for Thanksgiving because I don't know if I'll be receiving treatment. I can't plan for my future and my dreams with Danny. I don't know if I'll be able to have children because I don't know if I'll be healthy enough. Even if I do get a clean bill of health for a period of time, I know the tumor will come back, or possibly progress into cancer. How could I be so selfish to have children, or a family, never knowing if I'm going to be a burden, or possibly not even be around. My life is cut into three month segments, at minimum for two years, and after that I'll have four month segments for Lord only knows how long. I can only imagine that if Danny and I were ever to want children, we would never risk getting pregnant because my health is shaky and uncertain - which would be such a shame since a little Danny would be adorable! I don't know how to reconcile the concept of wanting to dream, and yet being afraid of being disappointed by my reality.

When I was in the ICU I shared the room with several different patients. There were only two to a room, and since I was in there for almost a week I had a revolving door. Lots of different situations, all incredibly sad. One of the patients was a woman who had just lost her baby. The sobbing of that woman was that of a wounded animal. It still haunts me. Another patient was going through cancer treatment, and had taken a turn for the worst. She had been diagnosed with cancer while pregnant and she decided to carry the baby to term, even though the doctors told her and her husband that she needed treatment immediately to survive. The woman chose to hold off on treatment, and kept the baby. She died a couple of weeks after the baby was born. Insanely sad stuff. Now, I know that I'm borrowing trouble (one of my dad's favorite sayings) but these fears are my reality.

I think I'm overeating because I'm suppressing my fears, or at least trying to suppress them. I keep trying to be positive, and healthy, but I think I'm acting out. I don't know how to truly get a grip on what's happening inside me. This is the most challenging time of my life, and I don't see things changing for a very long time. Maybe my life is just going to be exceedingly challenging. Maybe that's what I'm realizing. I guess I just need more tricks up my sleeve to combat this new reality. Stuffing my fears is just causing me to stuff my face.

7 comments:

  1. My dear Jessica. Have you seen the population of our world and how plump we have become? You are not alone in stuffing your fears. We all have those moments when we satisfy ourselves with salt, sugar, alcohol or whatever. For the moment we feel better,then we feel guilty.
    Oh well.......you have identified it and if I know you--you will now deal with it. Don't be too hard on yourself for a few pounds gained. You are superman as far as I am concerned!! You just finished a marathon for god's sake, be easy on yourself. You will figure it out, I have no doubt. However, don't deny yourself that ice cream cone you're craving or that hamburger you want to treat yourself to. That's what elastic waistbands are for :) Keep writing and sharing your feelings, maybe that will help keep you distracted from the food.
    Hang in there kiddo, you are amazing!!!
    Love, Leisa

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  2. Wish you could see you through our eyes. You are a beautiful woman both inside and out. We know you know there is so much more about life than what one weighs--us Americans are obsessed with it. You do a lot of good things for yourself, try to focus on that and next time we'll walk the gravel pit 3 times = 3 miles. Okay? (You might have to carry me, but I know you can do that too). P.S. At 8:59 a.m. today, Aug 6th, you were born! Congrats. xoxoxox Susea & Gene

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  3. "So Cal" Patti, we miss your wonderful energy. A commentor.

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  4. "So Cal" PattiAugust 6, 2010 at 2:37 PM

    Thank you for your kind comment! Even though I am older, I do give out good vibes! HA!
    I am in awe of Jessica's spirit and all that she accomplishes on a daily basis. She has been through obsticles that none of us can imagine but always comes up with a positive, progressive solution! And she and Danny are so cute together! I have come to love this young lady and know without a doubt that she will have a long and happy life!!!

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  5. "So Cal" PattiAugust 6, 2010 at 8:28 PM

    By the way Jessica- I hope that you had a wonderful birthday and wish you many, many more!!!

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  6. Hey Jess,
    Happy belated birthday!!!
    I'm still marveling at you tenacity and perseverance at accomplishing your marathon goal!!! You and Dan’s poor feet ----. Hope they are feeling better.
    I have heard your sadness about your hair, all I can think is Demi Moore is a sad second to the bald/crew cut beauty you are. Not many can pull it off, but you have a beautifully shaped head and gorgeous face. Oh and by the way if you want to lighten it up Clairol is great and not too expensive, done it myself to get back to my best color.
    Weight, give your self a break, you have just been through brain surgery. Your body is in trauma, it has become flaccid and weak because of the shock it has endured. You are making all the right choices by being conscientious about what your eating and increasing your physical activity. Your choices will pay off, but we are not like men who can lose 5#’s in a week (dirty dogs!), give it time. (But as someone earlier said, if you want that ice cream cone, you eat it, it’s a part of the pleasures in life and won’t change who you are.)
    Lisa Z.

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  7. I just have to say, Jess you are amazing and have soooo many amazing people who love you. That is a testament to you and the person you are. Take heart, you are surrounded by what you need and what most people hope to attain---the kind of love and freindship you have now.
    You are blessed
    with love

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