Monday, August 23, 2010

Giving It Purpose

The other day, I was having a conversation with someone about my tumor and recovery. She asked how I was doing, and I came up with a pretty good analogy (not to toot my own horn or anything).

It's like when you're sick. You can't get out of bed, and your throat hurts so badly that you can't swallow. The pain in your body is unbelievable. Then, one morning, you feel less badly, and then, after another nap things start looking bright. All of a sudden, you're so excited to get out of bed and start moving that you don't even notice that your throat still hurts and you still have a low grade temperature. You're just so grateful to be out and about, able to do the things that you love to do.

The memory of everything (the surgery & recovery) is finally taking on a different roll in my life. I'm transitioning away from fear and working toward acceptance. I think that everything has happened so quickly, and it feels like emotions have come in stages, just like my physical recovery. Now, I'm moving forward, and working toward eliminating (as much as possible) my fears. I've had a few step backs, where I've come into new information about the tumor and it has petrified me, but I like the fact that I've been able to bounce back.

My life is completely different than I would ever have expected, and yet, I still wouldn't change a thing (other than the pain this has caused Danny, family, and friends). It goes back to the statistics, people are going to get brain tumors, and I'd rather it be me than anyone I know. I realize it sounds crazy, but I have the perfect support group, and I'm aware that not everyone has such a wonderful safety net. Knowing that, I have to figure out a way to turn this tumor into a gift, giving it purpose. I'm incredibly grateful that I'm able to share this experience "out loud" in this blog. With that, I refuse to let this blog be my only contribution to the tumor world. I also refuse to live in fear (even though I might still get fearful at times). Now it's time to buck it up and start brainstorming!

4 comments:

  1. Jesse your resiliency is amazing and it is with such loving kindness that you say you rather the tumor be with you than any of us. I have no idea what I would feel or think if my life took the turn yours has. But I do know you'd be there for me or anyone you love. It's a joy to read that you plan to "buck it up and start brainstorming."

    xoxoxo

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  2. "So Cal" PattiAugust 23, 2010 at 2:30 PM

    What a GREAT post Jessica! So happy to see that you have positively taken control of the situation and are moving forward with purpose! Your blog is wonderful- I read it everyday- and your writing is so eloquent and honest. You do have a great support system in that so many of us, near and far, are cheering you on! When you get a down or scary moment just look at that cute little sprout face on the munchie mix and know that we are all smiling with you and encouraging you daily!

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  3. Jess, I'll do my part in helping whenever/wherever I am able once you cone up with a master plan!! :) I would be grateful to contribute!

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  4. Jess you amaze me, truly! You are a brilliant writer and you express yourself with such insightfulness and eloquence (sp?). You are a blessing to more people than I'm sure you even realize. Keep up the positive attitude. YOU WILL BEAT THIS, YOU ARE HEALING!! Keep telling yourself that. It's good medicine, the best.

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