Last night I was trying to explain to Danny how odd I feel. It almost like I'm trapped with two different personalities in one body. Half the time I'm laughing, and enjoying myself, and the other half of the time I'm afraid, and anxious. The weirdest part is that I might look like I'm smiling and enjoying myself, but often times, behind the facade, I'm in a dark place, full of fear and pain.
I just received a letter for my next MRI appointment and doctor's visit. Now, instead of meeting at the surgical pavilion on the third floor, I'll go in for the MRI and then meet with the team of oncologists on the first floor (in a radiation oncology exam room - how intimidating is that!!). It's a little change, but it strikes my heart with fear. Probably 100 times a day I get scared, I remember the pain, and I try to dig myself out of those dark places. I'm starting to get really exhausted, just trying to be positive. I'm going to need some more tricks.
One of the tricks is going to have to be leaning further on Danny. I started reading about my type of integrated tumor and it was a big mistake. I need to get back into the habit of just enjoying my life, as best as I can. There is nothing more that I can do, other than make healthy decisions and be happy. A surprisingly hard thing to do when all I want to do is hide under a rock and pretend this isn't happening.
When I looked at the top of your new blog setup and realized that you are 29 years old, it really hit me as my son will be 29 at the end of this month! Not one of us who writes here can ever understand all of the feelings that you are going through, but I hope you realize that all of us, even though many of us like myself have never met you, are there for you with loving thoughts and prayers! You are a strong, beautiful person- inside and out- and your beauty radiates to others just by being yourself! Stay strong, yet be gentle with yourself!
ReplyDeleteJess, Hang in there and keep on smiling, even if it's not exactly what you feel on the inside. Because yo are right, although you want to pretend that this is not happening, you still want to live your life to the fullest. And you should. I know it is so much easier said than done. You are, as you have always been, an amazing, intelligent, beautiful person who I am privlidged enough to call my friend. I'd be happy to help distract you in any way I can, or whatever! Love you, Sarah B
ReplyDelete"They" say that affirmations give out goodly vibrations and are calming. Perhaps when the fear strikes you you can jump on top of it with some sort of mantra like, "Every day in every way I am feeling better and better." As you have been feeling better and better it sounds like. Perhaps something like that mantra will help cage the fear and release you for awhile. It can't hurt. xoxoxoxoxo
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