I'm so frustrated. I'm exhausted. I sleep 13 to 15 hours a night. My thoughts don't come as easily, and I feel like I used to be able to think more deeply. These days all my head hears is frustration and complaints. I don't want to irritate my family and friends so I don't want to complain too much. I only share about 20 percent of my negative thoughts. I'm trying to force through things but it's hard. If I hear someone say, "Ugh, my hair looks awful!" I think, "Shut up, you idiot." I realize it's a pretty bitchy thing, but I just don't want to hear it. At least they have hair. I think the same thing about my hair, but I feel like I've got reason to hate my hair, or lack thereof. I realize I'm pretty self absorbed at the moment.
At least I've worked out three days in a row, it helps me keep a better mindset. Heaven help me if I wasn't working out. Today Danny and I did the treadmill and I walked quickly while Danny jogged. Of course, in my mind I was saying, "Jerk." I want to run so badly that I turned up my treadmill just to try it and in three steps I thought my head would explode. Danny gave me a look and shook his head and I went back to walking. No jogging yet.
I'm stuck between wanting to get back to my regular life, back to debating, and dinner parties, or wine dates with the girls but I don't feel back. I'm still hovering between my constant headaches, pressure in my skull, intermittent confusion, irritability at multiple distractions, all the while these issues in my mind are silent. Most people don't see these issues. They don't know what I'm thinking, or dealing with. I thought the beginning would be the hardest part of recovery. Now, I feel like I'm battling in silence. And I want so badly to get back to normal.
I cannot believe that people say bad things about your hair and you are right- alot of people may not understand the issues that you are facing! However alot of us,including myself who has never had the pleasure of meeting you, care about you and lend our prayers and support. Years ago I was told that I had a pancreas tumor and the night before the final testing I visualized it and sent it away in a dream and the next morning it wasn't there! On June 7th here in So Cal my cousin and I walked on the beach here and I thought of you. I picked up a mound of sand about the size that you said your tumor was and threw it in the ocean and said- OK Jessica's tumor is gone!!! I may be older but have always been pretty intuitive about things and I believe that your situation is about to get even better than you ever imagined that it could!!!
ReplyDeleteJessica you have this blog to share your journey with us. Use it to tell your story--postitive and negative. Please don't battle in silence, you have so many people that love you and want the best for you. I cannot pretend to know what you are feeling or what you are going through unless I read your words. Don't stay silent....we are all here for you. We may not know what to say and sometimes stupid things come out of people's mouths but I think it's because we haven't walked in your shoes. I never knew anyone that had brain surgery before. Now I know three. All three women and all three very different stories, all within 6 months.
ReplyDeleteLet it out Jessica, write about it. You are inspiring, strong, brave, funny, a talented writer and a very loved person. I think you may be creating a new "normal" for you. (see, I hope that wasn't a dumb thing to say).
When I read your words it helps me to understand what you are feeling and it lets me know we all need to be better listeners. We all want to know what you are going through and we all want you to know that we are here for you through your journey. Keep writing and we will keep reading.
We all have so much to be grateful for and it is very difficult to hear people complain about the little things in life. I can't imagine how it would be for you to hear these things. It must be hard to hold back your words and feelings, so let it out here on your blog.
Much love and admiration,
Leisa Redelsperger
Jess, in a sense you've been reborn and must take the baby steps to get up the hill. Will you make it to the top? YES I hear you say. Do all of your followers think you'll make it to the top? Did you hear that? No? Okay, followers louder. Will Jesse make it to the top? YES, by God YES! You WILL win. xoxooxo
ReplyDeleteJess, for some reason, I have messed up the posting of my message 3 times now! oh well, I was just rtying to say how amazing you are for handling this tremendous obstacle with the humor and grace that is just YOU!I think it is completely understandable for you to have periods of negativity and "bitchy" thoughts in your head, so don't beat yourself up too much. I know I am guilyt of the same at times, and I don't even have a good excuse. ( I hope that wasn't an awful and ignorant thing to say...) So try to celebrate your accomplishments, and when you need to, curse your frustrations. Just know that you have so many people who love and support you every step of the way. Love you lots and LOTS!! Sarah
ReplyDeleteJessica - Just wanted to let you know that it was wonderful to see you and visit with you the other day. You truly seem to have such good command of your speech, your winning ways and the Jessica that I've been around before. It probably seems like those of us who haven't seen your "between" stages don't realize all you have gone through....but through your honesty on your blog we know that the journey has been so very difficult. May you always be aware of your support - good days, bad days - you have a ton of people who are so proud of your determination and happy to see your successes. You have earned the right for some complaining, anger and bitching.... we will still be around to continue to cheer you on. Vic and Karen
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